It's Snarkurday!

Dean McDermott could be in serious trouble; and I don’t mean just because he married Hot Mess Tori “I can’t pay my bills” Spelling.

McDermott narrowly avoided going to jail last March when his ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, agreed to allow him to pay overdue child support and alimony in small monthly installments.

Sounds civilized, right? Well, it would have been except for the fact that McDermott is very much his current wife’s husband in that he doesn’t pay his bills either. McDermott has missed multiple payments on their $1,500-a-month agreement and now Mary Jo is pissed off and taking him back to court where he might actually go to jail for being a deadbeat dad who can’t support the child he had with Eustace but keeps making babies—I think they’re up to five now—with Poor Little Rich Girl Spelling. And then, after skipping the payments, Spelling and McDermott took their kids on a luxurious vacation to the Four Seasons in Punta Mita, Mexico so no wonder Mary Jo is enraged.

An insider—and it’s probably Candy Spelling from inside her gift wrapping room in her penthouse mansion—says:

“It’s crazy that all this is over $1,500. He could get a job at the Gap and pay that off every month.”

Tori and Dean Work at The Gap ... coming soon to Bravo?

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Also pissed off ... ALLEGEDLY ... are the bigwigs at ABC when Michael Strahan, a Houston native and “Good Morning America” anchor, refused to cut his vacation short to return and cover the Hurricane Harvey disaster.

Apparently ABC News asked Strahan to come home from his vacation because he’s from Houston, but he refused and is ... ALLEGEDLY ... cruising the Mediterranean on a yacht.

However, Michael Corn, GMA senior executive producer says:

“I spoke with [Strahan] every day. Michael was very clear he wanted to be part of the coverage, and we decided the best plan was for him to lead the charge covering the recovery.”

But that started earlier this week and still no Strahan. Huh? What?

It makes matters worse when you realize Strahan’s colleague, and GMA veteran, Robin Roberts returned early from her vacation to cover the tragedy; and she did so voluntarily. But then Michael Strahan, for all his years as a professional football player, may not be a team player like Roberts.

Still, Strahan put down a mojito long enough to Tweet:

“To my hometown of Houston and everyone there ... I Love You and am praying for your safety. ­H-TOWN LOVE!”

That counts for ... oh yeah, nothing. It’s like a _____ million dollar donation ... meaningless.

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It looks like Madonna’s newest younger lover has something she really really wants and she’s moving to Portugal to make sure she keeps gettin’ it.

Her latest boy-toy Portuguese model  Kevin Sampaio—he’s 31 to her 59, and that’s okay—must be packing something because Madge up and moved herself and the kids to Lisbon. Now, she’s saying that when she ended her last tour there she fell in love with the place but clearly she fell in love with what Sampaio has to offer, though she says:

“The energy of Portugal is so inspiring. I feel very creative and alive here and I look forward to working on my film LOVED and making New Music!!! This will be the next Chapter in My Book! It’s time to conquer the world from a different vantage point!!”

Conquer the world, or conquer Kevin’s pants? I know what I’d do ...

PS The hands don’t lie about age.

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I loathe Taylor swift for her inability to sing live and in tune, and for her songwriting skills of dogging frenemies and ex-lovers.

But what I loathe most is how she gets her fans to create all sorts of Swifty-inspired goodies, but then also tries to trademark her songs and lyrics so that if you use those, she can sue you.

Case in point: TayTay has recently filed to trademark lyrics and catchphrases from her upcoming album Reputation to use on shirts, guitar picks, and other crap she’ll sell at her concerts for gobs of cash. She hopes to trademark phrases like “The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now” and “Look What You Made Me Do.” 

This is nothing new, though, because Swifty tried to trademark an actual year—1989—when her 1989 album came out, and since she’s just released a new song called “Ready For It” then y’all better be ready for her lawyers to come a’sniffing after you if you use that line. And, if you’re some pre-teen fangirl of Swifty and you wanna make a macaroni picture of her, don’t dare use any song lyrics because she’ll come after you faster than you can say auto-tone.

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In more Taylor news, the girl knows how to market herself because, in the past, she’s tied her albums and concerts in with Diet Coke, CoverGirl, Elizabeth Arden, Apple, Keds and, now, UPS. UPS? I guess in case people realize what a hack she is and try to return the music they just bought and then she’ll get a cut?

On top of that Swifty has a new commercial for AT&T where she’s all cool and fun and promoting the idea of you buying into her Taylor Swift NOW video catalog on ... AT&T.

Ick; especially when you hear her say, in the ad, that this is her ‘gift’ to the fans for being so supportive ... if, you know, the fans have a credit card or cash to buy their gift from TayTay.

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Mel B is probably tired of the fact that we all know her business now that she and her husband have each filed for divorce, and the stories of their marriage become more lurid.

New legal documents have been recently filed by Mel B, which include portions of a deposition given by Loraine Gilles, AKA the Nanny named in Mel and her husband’s threesome adventures. And not only do the new papers confirm some of the more sordid detail but they also reveal new accusations of the sham of a marriage that Lorraine and Stephen Belafonte ALLEGEDLY concocted in order to fleece Mel B’s bank account.

Mel is accusing Stephen and Lorraine of plotting a phony marriage for Lorraine to one Michael Bleau so that she wouldn’t be deported; Lorraine is from Germany. See, if Lorraine was married to an American, she could stay here and keep on banging her boss’s husband, Stephen, behind Mel B’s back.

And poor schlemiel Michael is now being outed in the court papers as an epic sleazeball who was once arrested for a sex crime and convicted of felony false imprisonment. Mel B’s evidence that the marriage was a sham is that Bleau bought Lorraine’s ring on Ebay for $30 and that the “couple” never posted any engagement pictures to their social media.  Wait, so he’s cheap and isn’t on Facebook so the marriage is a sham? Stand in line when the rest of the fakers then.

Also in her deposition, Lorraine admitted to having sex with Belafonte—without Mel B—about “10 to 15 times.” This was during the time she says she got pregnant by a one-night stand and had Mel B pay for her abortion; Mel is now claiming the bay was Stephen’s, hence the need for the abortion. Lorraine also admitted to using cocaine, which could get her deported, and claims that Mel was her supplier.

Gosh, threesomes, drug dealers, abortions, sham marriages. If it doesn’t make y’all want to get a Silkwood Scrubdown, it may make you wanna write a book and sell it to Hollywood because this kind of story puts butts in seats in theaters nationwide.

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So there are two magazines, Harper’s Magazine and Harper’s Bazaar. They are not the same magazine, but someone still needs to tell that to Tiffany _____.

With New York Fashion Week starting, fashionistas from everywhere will be in La Grande Apple and Harper’s Bazaar is doing a big “Bazaar Icons” party in the middle of it all. And so Tiffany _____’s publicist emailed a party invitation request … to Harper’s Magazine, who were all, “What? Fashion? Who? What?”

Proving she’s not the sharpest tool in the _____ shed, but still brighter than Dim Bulb Eric, Tiffany’s publicists emailed Harper’s Magazine—which calls itself “the oldest general-interest monthly in America, exploring the issues that drive our national conversation, through long-form narrative journalism”—instead of Harper’s Bazaar—the one that defines itself as “America’s first fashion magazine.”

Even funnier is that the publicist’s email read like this:

“Hi, I wanted to email on behalf of the First Daughter Tiffany Trump. She is in town for NYFW and attending a few events. She would love to possibly attend the Bazaar Icons party. Please let me know if this could be accommodated.”

First Daughter? Oh, hell no, dear ... she's scarcely second daughter. And the magazine you contacted would love to invite you to their big New York Fashion Week event when and if they ever have one.

Now, sit down, you’re almost done here.

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Cuba Gooding Jr. has hit New York Fashion Week with full force—and did not see Tiffany anywhere because she went to New York City, Indiana by mistake—and he crashed makeup guru Pat McGrath’s Mothership Ball with a plus-one who scored him drinks and women.

Spies—not Tiffany because she was stuck in one of the square states looking for someone named "Ann Winter"—say Gooding was at the party introducing himself as “Dick McWilly” and rocking a man bun to boot.

Gooding stood on a chair in a corner to see all the action while his friend, described as a “perky young man,” kept an eye out for eligible ladies. The party aide also made sure Cuba was generously lubricated with alcohol while he pulled girls in to meet the, ahem, star. A spy says the young man “was bringing girls over to meet Cuba” who would bend down to speak while still standing on his chair but then signal that it was a “pass.”

Lucky for the girls, I’d say, because it was just last week that Gooding joined five bikini-clad beauties in a hot tub at a Nolita spa.

A hot tub of STDs? Um, no.

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I love Cher on Twitter simply because she’s Cher, bitches.

Case in point: Cher recently took to Twitter to vent about _____’s decision to end DACA, AKA the Dreamer program. And so Cher, who doesn’t feel it’s fair to deport 800,000 people who were brought to this country as children, who have lived and worked here most of their lives, began tweeting about DACA a lot this week. This was one tweet she sent out:

And while it may not come to the idea of hiding Dreamers from a vicious racist government, one tweeter named Brenda Webb—whose account has since gone private—and whose online profile reads “Single Mom, Believer in Jesus, Positive person, Politics annoy me-Just can’t help it!!” decided to come for Cher with this Tweet:

“Sure you will Cher.. I’ll believe it when I see it!” 

This is what Cher tweeted back:

And that’s why I love Cher ... bitches.

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