Saturday, May 16, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

Last time we talked Lindsay Lohan, we learned that her legal team — well, Shawn Holley — had gone back to court to explain why Lohan has completed just 9 of the 125 community service hours she was ordered to redo after she tried to convince a judge that “Meeting Fans” counted as community service. Holley also needed to explain how Lohan would be able to complete all those hours by the May 28th deadline because that means Lohan would have to work about 40 hours a week to get it done and the only time Lindsay works 40 hours a week is when she’s at the club or looking for a score.


But the greatest thing is Lindsay’s excuse as to why she cannot do her community service: the community service center has changed locations and now it takes two hours to get there and it’s just such a schlep.

Uh huh. Seriously; does anyone buy the “it’s too far” excuse? I mean, think of it like this: if there was a party on the other side of the world, or a BOGO on 8 Balls, Lindsay would traverse the globe, but a two-hour car ride is too much?

In addition, the judge questioned the 9 hours she did complete because they included posting pictures on the Facebook page of the community service organization; work Lindsay was allowed to do at home which means her assistant, or the homeless guy who pees against her building, probably did the work.

Now it appears that if Lohan doesn’t finish up her long-overdue hours she may go back to jail … yeah, that’ll happen.

How many times I gotta tell people that you don’t f**k with Anna ‘Nuclear’ Wintour?

Well, right before this year’s Met Gala, Anna warned everyone that selfies were banned from the event because she was having a documentary made about the party and she didn’t want pictures of the shindig leaked by fame-whoring pseudo-celebs, AKA Kim Kardastrophe and her klan.

Plus, Anna hates selfies.

But that didn’t stop the bait from continuing, with everyone from fame-seeking Madge, to fame-whoring Katy Perry, to fame-splooging Lady Gaga, from taking and posting their own images to the interwebz.

Now, how will they pay? Well, if they don’t remove the offending selfies from social media — and Anna has given Kendall Jenner, Cara Delevingne, Madonna, Kerry Washington, and Lily Collins twenty-four hours to comply — they might find themselves banned from next year’s party.

And on The Vogue Hit List.

Just after it was announced that Jennifer Lopez was out of a job — American Idol has finally been cancelled — it was announced that she will be starring in a TV drama.

Oh.God. Seriously? JLo is set to play, get this, a single mother and New York cop who is forced to work with the FBI and must betray her own on-the-job brothers.”

Oh.God. JLo is a cop? Train-followedquicklyby-wreck.

Plus, just to make sure her name trended more than Idol, JLo also revealed that she and Casper Smart are still dating making that whole breakup nonsense just a big old JLie. She even posted a picture of Smart — what an oxymoron — to Instagram calling him, ugh, her “bear.”

I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

Quick Bite:

George Clooney says that Amal Clooney doesn’t have a stylist.

Um, George, we already knew that when she showed up at the Golden Globes in those homemade opera gloves.

Johnny Depp hasn’t had a hit movie in a long time but he still apparently thinks he’s the hottest thing ever, even though it may cost him his two beloved dogs.

It seems that Australian quarantine authorities have ordered Depp to fly his dogs, Pistol and Boo, out of the country by Saturday or they will be put down because they ALLEGE Depp smuggled them in on a private jet to avoid the country’s mandatory ten day quarantine order.

The Agriculture Department has given Depp and his years-younger wife Amber Heard three days to send their pooches back to America or, gulp, else.

Australia has strict quarantine regulations to prevent diseases such as rabies spreading to its shores, but became aware that Depp had “snuck” his dogs into the country when a handler took the terriers in a handbag to a dog groomer on Saturday.

Too bad the handler didn’t take Depp to the groomer; I mean, have you seen him lately?

UPDATE: the dogs are headed home. Sadly, Depp is still menacing Australia with another episode in that film series, following one good film and several craptastic sequels.

Show of hands! Who didn’t see this coming?

Just one week into her Las Vegas residency Mariah Carey has already canceled a show due to … ALLEGEDLY … bronchitis.

Carey shared the news via Instagram:

“Hey guys… I’ve been fighting bronchitis for the past few days… almost better but on mandatory vocal rest per doctor’s orders. I’m so sorry to cancel tonight’s show but I promise to make it up to you!!! Love you always, MC.”

But … a sign outside the showroom where the show didn’t go on, makes it clear that the cancelled performance will not be rescheduled.

Mimi. It’s all about her.

Former child star and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, Kim Richards might have thought she was going to get out of facing charges after her drunken, cop-kicking rampage at the Polo Lounge last month, but it ain’t’ happening.

The L.A. County D.A. doesn’t seem to care that Kim took her tales of woe to Dr. Phil and then checked herself into rehab, because he’s charging her with public intoxication, resisting arrest and battery on a cop.

She could be sentenced to 2 1/2 years in jail.

She could be kicked off’a that Bravo show.

But, let’s face it, she’s an out-of-control former child star, so she’ll get Lohan’d and then she do it again and again and again.

There were a lot of rumors swirling about the sudden exit — AKA The TV Death — of Patrick ‘McDreamy’ Dempsey from Grey’s Anatomy.

Patrick thought the show was taking up too much of his time.

Jillian Finke, Patrick’s wife, , thought she wanted out of their marriage.

Shonda Rhimes, Grey’s creator, thought Patrick was a diva.

Ellen Pompeo, Patrick’s co-star and TV wife, thought he was schtupping an intern.


Yup, Pompeo ALLEGEDLY learned that Dempsey was screwing the help and ran to Rhimes with the story and since neither woman has time for a man cheating on his wife, McDreamy was sent to Heaven in a car crash and Dempsey was sent to the Unemployed Actor’s lounge.

Lesson to learn? Don’t Clinton the Interns.

We stared with Lohan, let’s end with her:

Two things: we know that Lindsay decided to return to the US to complete her community service, but we also know she’s an habitual liar.

See, Lohan Tweeted on Monday how happy she was to be back home with her family in New York, except that … she didn’t leave England until Tuesday. She wants y'all to believe she arrived in the US before she left the UK?

And then she arrived at her first scheduled community service at the Brooklyn’s Duf­field Children’s Center stretch two hours late.

Lohan has a thing about time … she can’t tell it and doesn't care about it.

Sidenote: parents of children at the center were sent a letter before Lohan started assuring them that the cracktress would not be left alone with their kids.



mistress maddie said...

Is it any wonder I love Anna Wintour so much? I should just apply to be her assistant. I share the same view and attitude some days. You mean to say J Lo is going to star in just drama right? Still can't believe I didn't know that show was still on. I still don't understand why no one has the big balls to just lock Lohan up? Its not like she as the best lawyers.anyone else would be locked up.

anne marie in philly said...

LL should be locked up to complete her "community service"; this one act would do the world a huge favor!

JLo's trick is no "bear"; a "twink" at best.

mimi is now and always will be a has-been with nothing to show but her big tits/ass.

the dogs' mother said...

good grief, LL's original offense was in the last century right?

Helen Lashbrook said...

Were the parents asked if they wanted a criminal working with their children? Lohan is hardly a role model, unless of course it's do as I say not as I do