Tuesday, May 06, 2014

The Met Ball: Fashion Round-Up

Each year Vogue's editor-in-chief Anna Wintour, who gets a pass for that hideous outfit because she might put a hit out on me, organizes and hosts the $15,000-a-ticket Costume Institute Gala, AKA the Met Ball, and each year the Ball has a theme.
Last year was Punk, and this year was White Tie and Decorations, in tribute to Charles James, an American designer often described as the first US couturier. Men should wear white-tie-and-tails, while ladies were encouraged to wear ball gowns and, of course, gloves.
Let's see how they fared ....
Sarah Jessica Parker always gets it right; well, almost right. This gown could have done without Oscar's signature on the hem.

Suki Waterhouse, my boyfriend Bradley Cooper's, er, girlfriend, brought the fabulous to the carpet. Hands down.

Liu Wen, a model who knows how to dress. This gown was spectacular in it's structure and freshness.

Karolina Kurkova, another model, rocked some Origami Realness at the Met Ball. Brava!

Blake Lively. Okay, it's not technically  a ball gown, but this really screams Hollywood glamour.

Rihanna. I like this from the back because it's sexy and demure; from the front you get a glimpse of RiRi's tummy tats, which aren't really ball gown appropriate.

Karen Elson, a British model and songwriter, looks every inch a high class society dame on her way to a fancy dress ball.

Dita Von Teese. it might not be the dress for everyone, because it reminds me of the dress Lucy wore to the Country Club and couldn't sit down in, but Dita knows how to make a splash.

Rita Ora looks like The Bride of Spartacus, but since this is a fashion event, she brought the fashion.

After last year's miss with the matchy-matchy Versace mess, Beyonce bounced back with some old school glamour.

Emma Stone. Too cute, too pretty. Not a ball gown, so points off, but still lovely.

Amy Adams looks a little Try Too Hard, but it's a good dress, not a great one.

Diane Kruger also missed the memo about ball gowns but she brought some Ice Princess Realness out last night.
Anne Hathaway seems to be giving up on fashion because this looks exactly like the dress she wore when she won her Oscar, only in red. Points for recycling, I guess.

The Olsen Twins. Would it hurt them to act like they're having fun; and if it does, would someone just take them back to the Doll Shop and put 'em back on that high shelf?

Elizabeth Olsen, sister to The Twins, completely disregarding Wintour's orders. i doubt we'll ever see her again ... anywhere.

Hayden Panettiere is a grown-ass woman, but a tiny, tiny one at that. So when she goes ballgown, she looks like a little girl playing dress up. No, honey, no.

Jessica Alba looks like she's wearing the nightgown my grandmother wore on her honeymoon .... in 1926.

Lea Michele tries too hard. She isn't JLo; she'll never be JLo. Stop it.

Michelle Williams apparently just came from a tea that ran long.

Naomi Watts looks like she trudged through an oil slick in what once was a white dress; and Naomi? Punk was so last year.

Reese Witherspoon. At least she's not drunk, though this is the epitome of a Meh look; plus, girl, have someone take the edge off that chin.

Solange Knowles, Beyonce-lite. She gets points for the Dorthy Dandridge face and hair, but the dress looks like she was expecting a pregnancy scare.

Taylor Swift. Yawn. Pretty little virginal princess look from the last girl on earth anyone would think of as a pretty little virginal princess.
Donatella Versace always looks like a Disney villain. All that's missing is the broom.

Diana Agron, formerly of Glee, whose face looks a little too jacked up lately, in an Ann-Margaret cast-off from the days of her Vegas act.

Amanda Peet apparently just came from a mortuary, where she grabbed the large lace doily off the back of the couch. Again, ladies, Punk was so last year.

Claire Danes; it's bad because it's boring and because it's wrinkled beyond belief.

Emmy Rossum will get points for wearing a ball gown, but did it have to resemble draperies? Florals are nice, on a couch, but overwhelming on a small girl.
Florence Welch looks like she's just come from an Irish wake ... for that outfit.

Janelle Monae looks like she raided Pope Frankie's closet for a jacket and shoes; and I bet the Pope ain't happy about having his drag shown on the red carpet.

Kate Mara is something that sags on the top, has way to much fabric, and looks like the color of something you'd find in a newborns diaper.

Kate Upton appears to be wearing the corset that goes with a Wild West ensemble, though i have no explanation for the dead crow on her head.

Katie Holmes. Does she own a brush? And she needs someone to remind her to wear a bib when she's eatin' bar-be-cue, because she's got rib sauce splattered all over her.

Kirsten Dunst apparently thought the theme was Wear A Ball On Your Gown, because why else would she wear a Star Wars theme looking mess. Oh, maybe she needs a job and thinks she's right for Jabba the Hutt's wife.

Kristen Stewart. This wouldn't be so bad if she smiled ... as she had the whole look burned. Lace and feathers and gold lame and see-thru. Dear god, let this be the Twilight of her years on a red carpet.

Lena Dunham in Garanimals for Adults.

Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like she rifled through the wardrobe room on Three's Company for one of Mrs. Roper's caftans.

Naomi Campbell channeling Diana Ross from the Studio 54 days, though Diana did it better.

Nicole Richie in Kelly Osbourne's hair and Cruella De Vil's dress.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely dressed like a Punk Gladiator. She obviously looked at last year's invite.

Shailene Woodley is the new It Girl but this is more like the new Sh*t Girl because it's three, three, three looks in one; and not one of them works.
Rashida Jones. I don't know which is more lifeless, her hair or that dress. Plus, why is she wearing what looks like a hospital gown beneath it all?

Tabitha Simmons. I do not know who you are, but if you don't get Mary Todd Lincoln's inauguration dress back to the Smithsonian, heads will roll!
Blake Lively wearing a dreamy-looking Ryan Reynolds.

Claire Danes carrying Hugh Dancy on her arm.

Victoria Beckham with hot underwear model, and her Baby Daddy, David Beckham.
Bradley Cooper has added 40-pounds of muscle to his frame for an upcoming film. I'm kinda liking a beefier Bradley.

Tom Ford and Benedict Cumberbatch. I'd love to be the meat in that manwich.
Lupita Nyong'o gets a pass for the Cher Half-Breed-Dark-Lady concoction because she's been rocking the carpets all season.

Sean Penn and Charlize Theron, AKA Mismatch. And Charlize? Lose the coat, it looks like a mistake.

These two losers are ALLEGEDLY married and yet they already look like the most miserable couple on the planet. Go figure. 

Amber Heard is bisexual, so this is either Amber and kd lang, or Amber and a Charlie Chaplin look-alike or ... Johnny Depp? When did he become a lesbian?


the dogs' mother said...

Space Station dress. oh, my!

SEAN (The Jeep Guy) said...

If you had seen the pic I did of Charlize w/o the jacket and Penn you would have put her on your best list.

SEAN (The Jeep Guy) said...

Oh...I love the Death Star dress. GEEK!

anne marie in philly said...

anna wintour looks like a dried-up prune.

what's with SJP's hair? and yeah, the designer signature does NOTHING for the dress.

suki waterhouse has no tits.

rita ora - trash.

beyonce et al needs to keep the boobs covered up; we all KNOW you got 'em. (yawn)

the olsen twins - still on the nose candy. and the sister looks she joins in too.

reese still banking on that "legally blond" schtick. over it already!

the rest of the pix are garbage, EXCEPT for my homie bradley cooper! :)

mistress maddie said...

Over all, I thought a nice gala and some gorgeous fashion. You'll be happy to know I sent Anna a email and she has no hit out on you yet!!!! I just got tickets to go see the Charles James exhibit, I can't wait to see it, as I love his designs. Dita looked sooooo Mistress!!! Blake Lively, Claire Danes, Suki Waterhouse were just drop dead. When a talk fashion, that's what I'm talking about!!!!

And you know who was her usual fat ass shelf.

Raybeard said...

What a show! From jaw-droppingly horrific to jaw-droppingly splendiferous - with all shades in between - and with a witty and very funny commentary to go with it. What better entertainment could one wish for?

Helen Lashbrook said...

And the worst was Anna Wintour; the witch queen as ugly as ever

Blobby said...

I'm still laughing at the Mary Todd Lincoln comment. And you know, not only does Katie Holmes own a brush, she PAID someone to make her look like that.