Saturday, May 17, 2014

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Good news! Lindsay Lohan has left America for London recently, so the streets are safe from Lohan, the nightclubs are safe from Lohan; your TV is safe from Lohan. And the better news? She may stay there!

A friend — Hey Dina! — says Lindsay prefers the way people in London treat her like a … forgive me a slight giggle break … big star as opposed to trashy party girl. And Lindsay knows that for some reason, while she is basically unemployable as an actress, there are clubs and events in England that will hire her to show up and stumble about.

All I can say is, London, she’s your problem now.
I missed this somehow, but batshit crazy, religious wingnut, semi-literate Sherri Shepherd and her husband of not quite three years, Lamar Sally, are divorcing.

And it’s gonna get u-g-l-y.

Sally filed for the separation first and then he filed a new petition asking the court for custody of the child he and Shepherd conceived via surrogate … a child that isn’t even born yet!

According to Lamar’s legal papers, he wants full legal and physical custody of the unborn child, and asks that Shepherd be granted only visitation rights. He also wants spousal support and stated that their signed prenup should be invalidated because of fraud—though he failed to clarify what kind of fraud.

Sherri, for her part, wasn’t talking, seemingly taking the high road until ... probably Barbara's last day on The View.
I never knew my boyfriend Bradley Cooper was ever married, but apparently he was, from December 2006 to May 2007, a lifetime commitment in Hollywood.

His ex-wife was a kind of JLo-lite, Jennifer Esposito who watched their marriage end as Bradley’s star rose to Oscar nominee and she fell from being a serial guest-star on police procedurals to a semi-regular on CBS’ Blue Bloods until, she was let go from that show.

So what’s Esposito to do now? Well, trash her ex-husband whom she probably hasn’t seen in seven or eight years, that’s what.

Jennifer’s putting out her memoirs because she needs the coins and will be dishing on Coop, though she won’t mention him by name in the book, choosing to refer to him as a “funny, smart and cocky … master manipulator” who only cared about himself and dropped her ass out of nowhere.

And to prove she’s just delusional she actually says she didn’t “necessarily find him that attractive” though they quickly became a couple and married.  Esposito claims the relationship was an unhealthy one, focused primarily on his needs and nothing else and that she was “a nonissue.”

Yeah? So? I mean, ask the folks at Blue Bloods about your being a nonissue.

And then sit down.
I get a case of the itches just reading, and writing, this one.

Courtney Love, who is taking her Hole on tour again — these things practically write themselves — is saying that fellow literal dirt-bad Russell Brand once tried to get into her crusty granny pants but she turned him down flat because he smelled “too musky.”

Imagine the smells coming off that coupling and then go outside and garb a lung-full of clean air.
Well, after a hearing last week Chris Brown was ordered to 131 more days in jail, which sounds good until you learn he got the Lindsay Lohan Sentence, and may be out by the time you read this due to prison over-crowding … or having a high-powered attorney.

He was back in court for a probation violation hearing after he punched a guy in DC  who got too close, which is a violation of the probation he’s still on for punching Rihanna because she got too close.

The judge sentenced him to a year in jail but that will be whittled down to just a few days because Chrissy will get credit for the 59 days he’s been in jail and the 116 days in rehab. And for every day he’s served in jail, he gets credit for two days, so, yeah, he’s probably already out and looking for someone to punch.

If we could just get him to London and in a room with Lohan we might be able to arrest two criminals with one punch.
Last March Gwyneth Paltrow came down from her high horse to give an interview in which she said that 9-to-5 working moms have it so much easier than her, because they get to go home to their kids at night while she has to be on-set making millions and millions.

She actually said she has it harder being a mom than any other moms on the planet. Now, though, Goop is saying that her words were taken out of context and, well, let’s let her dig her own grave:

“A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule.

This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon?”

And stop. A dig at Chris Martin because she brought home some, or more, of the bacon? Now it's clear why she decided to talk about this after eight weeks, she got to diss her soon-to-be consciously uncoupled hubby.

Seriously, she needs to take a seat alongside Esposito and just stop.
Meanwhile, back at Lohan.

Remember how Lindsay dropped the miscarriage bombshell in the last episode of her reality show docu-series to explain why she’s a flake who can’t show up on time, if at all?

Well, Lindsay doesn’t like that you, or me, or anyone for that matter, thinks she’s an unrepentant liar and so she swore to the miscarriage under oath while testifying for a lawsuit over her clothing line 6126. The suit was delayed because last time she was sued she was in rehab.

But she better be telling the truth, or she could land in jail. Again.

Maybe not, though because now, although she said the word “miscarriage” in her deposition, and said the word “miscarriage” on TV, she doesn’t want to mention it again, especially in court because she wants her privacy respected.

Now, Jay-Z/Solange/Beyoncé.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the video of Solange going bat-shit on Jay-Z in the elevator while it appeared Beyoncé stood off to the side doing her nails, so let’s dissect …

It’s clear, now, that Beyoncé did try to act as a buffer between the Dueling Divas, though she also didn’t seem to be looking at either of them; and it’s clear that every chance Solange got she tried to scratch, claw, kick, bite and shriek at her sister’s husband. It’s also clear that, after the bodyguard stopped the elevator for a Solange time-out, once the trio reached the main floor, Jay-Z looked whipped, Solange looked pissed, and Beyoncé wore a sly smile.

No one commented, though Beyoncé posted a prayer on her Instagram account asking for God to help her family, while Solange went through her Instagram files and deleted every single picture of Beyoncé. That’s saying something, y’all.

Then, at a Brooklyn Nets playoff game later in the week, Beyoncé and Jay appeared courtside for the cameras acting all lovey-dovey and smiling while Solange probably was kept waiting in the car … trunk.

Now, for speculation:

Solange was just on a tear that night, ALLEGEDLY shrieking at her designer friend Rachel Roy and others earlier in the evening. Beyoncé was said to have broken up that fight, however.

Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who arrived on the red carpet at the Met Ball together — where Jay-Z made a great show on dropping to one knee and putting a ring Bey had dropped back on her finger — hardly spent any time together at the party; Beyoncé and Solange partied together, alone.

Solange ALLEGEDLY attacked her brother-in-law because after the Met Gala he wanted to go to Rihanna’s after-party alone and maybe Solange doesn’t like Jay-Z and RiRi together.

Jay-Z had reprimanded Solange earlier in the night after some of her non-famous friends used his name to get into the Met Gala.

Lots of speculation, but I keep going to back to that after-elevator picture and Beyoncé’s smile; that smile says, Eff with me again and my sister will come at you harder!

But then Jay and Bey and Sol released a joint statement about the incident days after it was caught on film which says everything and nothing:

 “As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it.

“Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.”

“The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false,” the statement continued. “At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”

Uh huh. Jay and Solange are at fault because while they were cursing and kicking and fighting, Beyoncé was checking the net for pictures of herself and looking at the full–length mirror in the elevator.

It’s just family, y’all, cat-fighting in evening gowns and tuxedos in an elevator. And it's all bettah now because Bey and Sol are posting pictures of themselves on Instagram again.

Uh huh. The universe has righted itself.
After being called an idiot by Jon Hamm and a piece of sh*t by Seth Rogen, Justin Bieber also took to the basketball courts to make a statement.

Only Little Justin didn’t get a Bey/Jay response.

He took his mommy Patti Mallette to an LA Angeles Clippers game on Mother’s Day, putting on the Good Son Show for photographers who had open access to the little tyke when …

A cameraman put Justin and his mom on the jumbotron and everyone inside the Staples Center booed.

It must have reminded Little Jussy about last month’s Juno Awards, where just the mention of the name Bieber sent the audience into booing spasms.

I’m thinking he should just get ready for more boos and more boos, and then jail time because you just know he’s gonna be arrested again.

He’s Junior League Lohan.
And speaking of Lohan …

Rumor has it that the big star — at least in London — is fast becoming the hard partying girl in London, too.

A source close to Lohan — Hey Dina! When did you cross the pond? — says Lohan is still using the drugs Ecstasy and Molly despite her sixth or seventh most recent stay in rehab.

“Lindsay is of course still partying. She never won’t use drugs and drink,” the source, who set down her chardonnay long enough to speak in anonymity. “Right now she is doing a lot of Ecstasy and Molly because with the psych meds she is on, if she is tested it will only show up as amphetamine, which is prescribed to her so it’s ‘safe.’”

Lohan is ALLEGEDLY taking the prescription medications Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall — funny, though, on her reality-show docu-series she said she was off Addy — Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium to treat psychiatric problems.

And given Lohan’s history with drugs and lying, it’s not out of the realm that she’s still using.

But this time she won’t get another Oprah A Ha moment.


anne marie in philly said...

ay carumba! what a mess!

and next weekend's the BIG WEDDING - the big ass and the big ego.

mistress maddie said...

"I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children." Like who? I was not wondering why. One film a year is too much if you ask me.

It's a shame Lindsay doesn't get paid for drinking and partying since the beginning of all this. She'd be a billionaire by now.

I too have wondered about the wedding next week and if it will happen. I hear they are still trying to figure out how to get her huge ass through the plane doors.

Bob, will I Ain't One to Gossip be a special edition next week with wedding gossip?

Ty said...

i didnt realise that you hated the pommies so much that you would be happy to lump Lohan on the poor buggers Bob
personally i would haves said..."sorry london i would have locked her up if i could to save you the pain of putting up with the drughead but the courts are a joke over here"

Bob Slatten said...

Please lock her up. We've tried and tried over here but it never seems to stick!

the dogs' mother said...

There's a Royal Wedding coming up??

Debbie said...

Seriously ... Lindsay Lohan is going to be the next celebrity to OD. Either that or a horrible car accident ... unbelievably out of control.

Can't wait for your take on Kim and Kanye's wedding (EYES ROLLING)... great post Bob!