I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

By the time you read this Kanye West might already be married to his Baby Mama and future ex-wife, Kim Kardastrophe.

See, it seems the fame-whores want not one, not two, but three weddings, one for each month this marriage will last, I guess.

Their representatives are saying that the Kardastrophe-West’s will be married once in California, and twice in France — the California marriage is just so there will be no question about the legality of the French marriages, which will be filmed for TV because when you got your start on film with your legs in the air and an Open For Business sign above your vagina, everything else must be filmed, too.

Still, in the space of a month, Kanye West will have been married three times, and Kim Kardastrophe will be on her sixth wedding.

Yeah, this’ll last.

You just know Mariah Carey is jealous of Beyoncé because, well, she’s Beyoncé and not Mariah Carey. But I never knew her jealousy would lead to outright mimicry; or as Carey might call it, Mimi-cry.

Remember when Beyoncé stunned the world — or at least those folks in the world who care about Beyoncé, yours truly not included — by releasing a new album in the middle of the night with no advance word and no advance publicity?

Well, Mariah Carey wanted to do that, too, to show the world that she is Beyoncé’s equal, except that Mariah decided to tell people she was gonna release her album in secret, in the middle of the night with no advance publicity … except for telling us.

Mariah Carey is no Beyoncé; she’s Beyoncé-Lite, or Beyoncé-dumb.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell, his decade’s younger wife — he’s 72, she’s 48 — were arrested over the weekend for some kind of domestic violence business.

It seems police were called to Paul Simon and Edie Brickell’s manse in New Canaan, Connecticut over the weekend after the two got into some sort of fight. Police investigated and cuffed the duo and both were charged with disorderly conduct. Chief of Police Leon Krolikowski said it was a family dispute that reached the level that required police to make an arrest.

I have a suggestion for Edie; the next time she and Paul are about to get into, just pick him up and put him on a High Shelf Time Out.

Or, for Paul. He could just take away Edie’s tambourine. For the love of God, take away her tambourine.

This has got all kinds of Icky on it.

Rumor once had it that diminutive singer — singer, I kid — Justin Bieber once cheated on his girlfriend Selena Gomez with model Miranda Kerr, best known as wife of, and baby mama for, Orlando Bloom.

Icky. Followed by Double icky … because now it seems that Orlando, though he’s divorced from Kerr, and Gomez, who, this week, is off-again with Justin, are doing the nasty.

Talk about a Daisy Chain Math Problem of STDs: Miranda + Orlando + Justin = Justin + Selena + Orlando. Solve for icky.

And speaking of Selena Gomez, she once was friend with Kardashian-adjacent Kylie and Kendall Jenner, until one of the Jenner girls also banged Justin. Then Selena dubbed them both toxic and cut them out of her life.

Good, only now those Jenner girls, who learned from the master — That Woman — how to keep your name in the press no matter what, are saying Selena is the toxic one and, well, my previous post has the math to prove it.

Selena Gomez recently cut ties with Kendall and Kylie by not only unfollowing them on Instagram — oh, that is so so painful — and also deleting the pictures she’d taken with them at Coachella. But now the Jenner girls are getting the last gossip snap by reminding folks that Selena has been to rehab and is a “drama-obsessed party girl.”

Here’s what happened: Selena schtupped Justin who schtupped Kylie or Kendall, or maybe both, and the girls, fools that they are, took their anger out on one another rather than going after the Tiny Pop Star.

Perhaps they could find a spot for Justin on that high shelf with Paul Simon?

A while back, we talked about the feud on the Glee set between divas Lea Michele and Naya Rivera, which caused one or both of them to walk off the set in a huff.

Rumor had it Naya was tired of Lea being a demanding diva, or that she had found out that her now ex-fiancé Big Sean had dipped his Little Sean in Lea’s ladybits.

Either way, it seems that Lea has the last laugh because rumor has it Naya has been fired, let go, written out, or not asked back to Glee.

In fact, rumor has it that the studio asked Naya for her parking pass, and then cleaned out her on-set trailer the minute the word came down.

Naya’s reps are calling bull shiz on the whole story, but the fact is that Naya was written out of the season finale and there’s no word on whether or not she’ll be back next season.

For me, though, that’s good news, because if you knew the Titanic was going to sink, and you had a shot at a lifeboat, wouldn’t you take it?

Ready for more icky?

James Franco, media-whore, and sore loser — he blasted a Broadway critic for not raving about his performance in Of Mice and Men, though no word on what Franco did when the Tony nominations came out and his name was absent — is kissing, and only kissing, and telling about Lindsay Lohan.

It all started with The List that someone on Team Lindsay — Hey Dina! — leaked and Franco saw his name as one of Lohan’s f**k-buddies. Now, Franco says he never schtupped Lohan — again, icky — though he admits there was some mouth-to-mouth germ swapping going on:

 “I will swear on anything you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan. All right, we maybe kissed. It was lame. I can’t believe she put me on that private list, she’s so delusional! … When we made out it was so long ago. I was like a nice guy. Okay [I said], the kiss is enough.’ It was also like, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She was young.”

Like that ever stopped him before —remember it was just last month when he tried to pick up a high school girl online — but then Franco claims that he woke up one night to find Lohan in his room ... or, maybe he had just passed out under a bar and woke up to find she had passed out next to him?

I’m a little over Jennifer Lawrence; she used to be cute and spunky and kind of America’s Edgy Sweetheart. When she stumbled and fell up the stairs to accept her Oscar in 2013, it was precious, but when she stumbled and fell on the Oscar red carpet in 2014 reeked of publicity stunt.

Well, it turns out that Lawrence was drunk at the Oscars this year, which may account for the stumble, and definitely accounts for the fact that she blew chunks while walking into Madonna’s post-Oscar bash right in front of Miley Cyrus, who ALLEGEDLY said, in her own Marlboro-gin-soaked voice, “Get it together, girl.”

You just know that if Mylie Cyrus is the one who thinks you’re out of control, you are out of control.

Remember Josh Hartnett?

Me neither, but apparently back in the early 2000s he was the next It Boy, and then he disappeared into a series of really bad films and “indie” projects for about a decade, until resurfacing this month on Showtime’s Penny Dreadful.

And now, when asked where he’d been, he didn’t talk about bad film choices, and low-budget straight to DVD messes, he says, with an apparently straight face, that he disappeared because he was so red hot in Hollywood that everyone wanted to work with him; in fact, he says he was offered every single superhero role that has come down the pike since 2001:

“Spider-Man was something we talked about. Batman was another one. But I somehow knew those roles had potential to define me, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be labeled as Superman for the rest of my career. I was maybe 22, but I saw the danger.”

Where’s Mylie Cyrus when you need her to say, again, “Get it together, girl!”?