I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, the big Kardastrophe is today, and while I have some tidbits I won’t have full-snark until next week … since my invite to My Big Fat-Assed Ego Wedding got lost in the mail. So, let’s dish ….

• Kim’s half-brother Brody Jenner will not be attending the craptastic festivities because Kim and Kanye didn’t want him to bring his girlfriend of three years. Personally, I think Brody will go to Kim’s next wedding … the one she’ll have sometime in 2016.
• Kim is said to have wanted the wedding to surpass that of William and Kate and is rumored to have asked English designer Sarah Burton, creative director of the luxury fashion house Alexander McQueen, who designed Kate’s gown to design hers. Buxton, rather smartly, said No, but that she will be available to design Kim’s next wedding dress when she marries for the fourth time in 2016.
• The guests were given a private tour of Versailles yesterday where they allegedly wore French royalty attire because Kanye’s a big old queen. The future exes had wanted to hold their wedding there but the venue declined, though they did offer Kim the chance to have her next wedding there in 2016.
• After the tour, guests are assumed to be whisked away to some Italian castle-slash-prison where the actual Deal with the Devil takes place. Hopefully, Kim, who is as dumb as a box of rocks, won't have her next marriage there ... in 2016.
• Speaking of which, Kim is said to be royally pissed — the closest she’ll ever get to royalty — because the weather in France is rainy and damp. She prayed to God, er, That Woman, that her next wedding won't be in such a sopping wet locale ... in 2016.
• Perhaps Jay Z and Beyoncé will show, and perhaps they won’t because Kim also invited designer Rachel Roy, with whom Jay was ALLEGEDLY flirting the night of the Met Ball and because of whom Solange went all ghetto on his ass. I so hope Solange is coming because a Kardastrophe wedding is nothing without a bitch-fight. Sadly, though, I think Solange has only been invited to Kim’s next wedding in 2016.
• Guests at the craptastic wedding of Big Ass and Big Ego will each be given personal security and cell phone upon arrival in Paris so as not to have any leaked photos because, you know, That Woman will be trying to pimp out every snapshot she can next week. But, when Kim marries for the fourth time, to … I’m seeing a white rapping basketball player … guests will be allowed to take as many pictures as they want because we’ll be over this mess by 2016.
• Fashion journalist Andre Leon Talley has asked Valentino to host a brunch for the soon-to-be ex-couple at his elegant Château de Wideville. Talley will cover the event for Vogue.com because Anna usually only laughs in May and the timing of this sure-to-be hot mess is perfect and now Anna won't have to laugh again until Kim marries for the fourth time in 2016.
• Another rumor is that Kim has asked Lana Del Rey to sing at wedding. See, apparently Kanye wanted Del Rey to sing when he popped the question in front of TV cameras last year, but she said No, so he just played her song on a boom-box or something. Lana is also set to sing at Kim’s next wedding in 2016.

That’s all for now … stay tuned to this spot next week for all the gory, whore-y, details.

Meanwhile, back at the Jay Z-Solange Knowles catfight, the most persistent rumor as to why Solange went after Jay Z in that elevator, is because Jay Z might be getting just a little too close to designer Rachel Roy and Solange was only carrying out beat-down orders from her master, Beyoncé.

A source — and you know it’s Bey, calling herself Sasha Gossip — says, “Rachel is a little too close to Jay Z. Solange doesn’t like it, and Beyoncé doesn’t like it.”

So the rumor mill churned that Solange told Roy that “anyone who gets close to Jay has to be warned and deal with her as a sister.”

The brawl started when Jay Z said he wanted to go to Rihanna’s after-party — though Beyoncé and Solange were headed home to braid each other’s hair — and that Roy would also be going, and that’s what sent Solange to Beat-Down Town.

And that’s also why, when Beyoncé got off that elevator, she was smiling that smile because her plan worked and her Flying Monkey did just as she asked.

In case you think the Cannes Film Festival isn’t the crackiest place on the planet, rest assured it is because … Lindsay’s there, y’all!

Lohan has been in Cannes for days where, in between partying on yachts and being passed around like a cheap hooker at a bachelor party, she has ALLEGEDLY been “taking meetings” to “finance” her newest film.

So how does Lohan afford all this luxurious travel? No, silly, not just by being a high-class, okay, low-rent, call girl, but because she just settled her lawsuit over her failed leggings line and was awarded 150K. And that will buy enough cheap dresses, booze and crack to keep her rocking Cannes for a week or more.

Ryan Reynolds was also at Cannes with wife Blake Lively, and apparently the best part of his trip were the red carpet appearances with Lively. Because his film that debuted there, The Captive, was slammed; in fact, rumor has it that audiences actually booed the film.

Ow. He’s too hot to be booed, no?

So Johnny Weir and Victor Voronov. On-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-on-again and now, you guessed it, off again.

It seems that last weekend Weir ALLEGEDLY attacked Victor; again!

Johnny apparently saw some pictures Victor posted of himself working out at the gym and Johnny didn’t like that The Mens were telling Vic he looked hot, so Johnny went upstairs and put on his extra sharp talons and came back downstairs and began to scratching.

Victor went to the police the next day to report that mess and showed them pictures of the scratches. He only wanted to report the attack and not have Johnny arrested or forced to leave the couple’s love-hate nest but he did go straight to TV to talk about his frightening ordeal:

“I was terrified. He was red. I said, if you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. He would not leave me alone. So I had my phone; I was trying to call the police. So he attacked me to get the phone out of my hand.”

Man, if these two crazy kids can’t make it, again and again and again, then how the hell can anyone else expect to be happily married?

Jennifer Lopez wrote a book, y’all! Who knew she could even read?

But the best part of the book is the title, True Love. A book by a woman who dated someone named David Cruz in the early 90s, then married and divorced Ojani Noa in the late 90s, then dated Sean Puff Daddy P Diddy Puffy Combs for a hot year or two, then married and divorced Cris Judd, before moving on to Ben Affleck, who she promised to marry but didn’t because she was busy having an affair, then marrying and divorcing Marc Anthony before settling down with decades younger dancer Casper Smart.

True Love? How in the hell would she know?

Justin Bieber has ALLEGEDLY given up the Sizzurp — that codeine syrup drink that f**ks you up — because now he’s doing steroids to make his tiny frame into a massive piece of sh*t.

That’s all.

Speaking of Justin, he and Paris Hilton were in Cannes this week and the duo whom I’d prefer to call STD and Steroid Toddler were spotted out partying together during Busta Rhymes' birthday party. STD even took a squat on Steroid Toddler’s lap before heading back to his hotel for a party.

Still, rumors of a Hilton-Bieber hook-up — made me throw up a little in my mouth typing that — were shot down when the couple refused to be photographed together and because Paris left the party after a half hour since Justin only played his music.

That would most definitely empty a room.

Before heading to France and Italy, or not, for the Wedding of the Minute, Kourtney and Khloe Kardastrophe filed a battery report against the tattooed street performer because he showered them in confetti in Los Angeles in April.

I guess Kim wasn’t frontin’ the airline tickets and these two dim-bulbs needed some extra Euros for the trip.

So, earlier this month, a photo surfaced of thirteen-year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless 20-year-old actor Moises Arias.

Lotsa folks wondered if underage Willow was being left unsupervised with young men and her mom Jada called all those folks perverts when she arrived home after being gone for several days.

Then came the photos of fifteen-year-old Jaden Smith in bed with his presumed girlfriend, media whore-lite, Kylie Jenner, and, though they have said nothing, Will and Jada would most certainly call us all perverts for thinking anything bad about that coupling.

When they get back home to their children that is.

But, some folks who might not be pervs, AKA the California Department of Child and Family Services have opened an investigation into the Smith family. It’s supposedly a thorough one too.

Maybe now Will and Jada will parent their children, though I doubt it because they’re probably out of this house again by now.

To promote her latest book, some mindless garbage with the word ‘Tori’ figured into the title, Tori Spelling promised to tell the truth about just how impoverished she really is, living in squalor and all, you know.

But Mama Candy has a different take, and appeared on The Talk to dish Tori. When Julie Chen asked about Tori’s lack’o’cash, Spelling said the "rumors" are not true:

 "I'd never leave my kids in the lurch. I can't imagine any parent doing that – and I'm always there to support her. I even bought them a house in Malibu."

I guess being poor in Tori’s world means Mama has to buy your beach house.

Okay, since we started with Kim’s third, not last, wedding, let’s end with Kanye’s Ego.

If you remember, he released some Nike Air Yeezy sneakers called “Red Octobers” which sold out in a couple of minutes when they were released earlier this year. And this week, in Paris for his first, not last, wedding, he met up with a bunch of fans wanting autographs; one young man even asked Kanye to sign his Yeezy’s, which Kanye did, but not before telling him in front of everyone that his shoes were fake.

Yeah, that’s Kanye. Dissing a fan because he had on a fake pair of Kanye’s idiotically named, over priced shoes.

Get married already so I can start talking about the divorce.