I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

There was a huge exposé in the New York Times Magazine about what it was like [hell] to work with Lindsay Lohan on the soft-core porn movie, The Canyons. I even managed to talk about it. Really? Me? You can read it HERE.

But, as Lindsay does, she wants to tell her side of the story and, well, here goes…

Lindsay Lohan admits she was a pain in the ass on the set of The Canyons, but she did not ::::foot stomp head snap:::: drink and drive.

Lohan is telling friends that most of the stories in the article are true; she was late quite a few times; she was nervous about getting naked—though she has no problem flashing her Firecrotch in public; and she did fight with the producers, the director and her co-stars.

But, Lindsay says, that stuff happens all the time so it’s no big deal. And she says the allegations that she boozed it up on set—one report was that she was so wobbly, they shot her with handheld cameras because she couldn’t hit her mark—and then got behind the wheel of her car afterward are total lies.

Lindsay? Drive drunk? She claims she’s not that stupid and irresponsible.

There, I ended it with a laugh.

In Touch is talking about Tom Cruise’s new “relationship” with Scientology escort, or not, 26-year-old restaurant employee Cynthia Jorge. She says dating Tom “feels like a fairy tale”—remember when Katie said that—and that “they have a lot in common and are seeing where things go”—that basically means that Scientology is checking her out to make sure there are no skeletons in her closet, or that her father isn’t a lawyer who will manage her escape in a few years.

But the long-term relationship that is most telling is the relationship between Tommy and Scientology Master, David Miscavige. Their relationship is detailed in a new book by Lawrence Wright, Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief. It’s basically a rehash of the same-old Tommy and Davey love stories, including that old chestnut about how Miscavige instructed Isabella and Connor Cruise that their mother, Nicole Kidman, was not to be trusted.

But let’s dish Tommy and Davey:

According to the book, Tommy and Davey thought Tommy could have, should have, will have, a shot at politics. “Bush may be an idiot,” Miscavige observed, “but I wouldn’t mind his being our Constantine,” referring to the first Roman Emperor to convert to Christianity. Cruise agreed. “If f–ing Arnold can be governor, I could be president.”

Miscavige responded, “Well, absolutely, Tom.”

Um, my thought is that no one told Tom the only thing he could be president of is Munchkin City, and they don’t have a president, just a mayor.

Tommy and Davey believe they will have a future rendezvous with L. Ron Hubbard: “[Miscavige would] say that Tom Cruise was the only person in Scientology, other than himself, that he would trust to run the Church,” one former Sea Org member recalled.

“Miscavige convinced Cruise that he and Tom were two of only a handful of truly ‘big beings’ on the planet. He instructed Cruise that LRH was relying upon them to unite with the few others of their ilk on earth to make it onto ‘Target Two’—some unspecified galactic locale where they would meet up with Hubbard in the afterlife.”

First off, calling Tom Cruise a “big being” is the height—see what I did there?—of insult to a man who wears lifts to be taller than his six-year-old daughter. Secondly, would the idea of Tommy and Davey blasting off in a spaceship to meet up with Hubbard really such a bad thing?

Just sayin’.

Oh Kim Kardashian. Setting quite the example. I mean, she waited until she was married to get pregnant, except that, well, the guy that knocked her up isn’t her husband, but some random dude she picked up when she decided her five-minute marriage was over.

Some are saying that Kanye is fine with his Baby Mama being married to someone else but that he is still a traditional guy—who f**ks married women and knocks ‘em up—and would like to have some kind of “commitment ceremony” with Kim before the baby is born.

A source—and you know it’s Kris Jenner selling the story and then hiding the money from Bruce in case they decide to dissolve their same-sex marriage—says, “Kanye is very traditional. He’d have liked to marry Kim now they are having a baby. But with Kim still married to someone else, there is not much he can do. It won’t be official like a wedding because Kanye wants that to be extra special when the time comes.”

How traditional. She marries a guy to make money, and then dumps him in a hot minute for TV ratings, and then hooks up with a rapper and becomes pregnant before she’s even divorced.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Kanye wasn’t banging her right before she walked down the aisle to Kris Humphries. He’s traditional, you know.

Good news on the Demi Moore front.

She’s now dating an older man.

Older for her, of course, means still young enough to be her son, but at least she’s now dating a guy in his 30s.

The good news? The guy has a job. 
He’s 31 year-old fast food chain entrepreneur, Harry Morton, who’s been around the block with other famous women on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 
The bad news? This is the same Harry Morton who dated Lindsay Lohan a few years back.

Yes. Demi Moore is now dating Lindsay’s sloppy seconds.

Speaking of LOLhan, she has ALLEGEDLY fired her lawyer, Shawn Holley, the woman who has kept Lindsay out of jail, and on the streets to beat up psychics, wreck cars and make bad TV movies for the last two years.

Apparently, Lindsay is now being represented in all her lawsuits in both California—where she’s accused of lying to the police about a car accident—and New York—where she’s being accused of assaulting a psychic—by one Mark Heller.

Not a smart move, I’d say, because, in case you, or Lindsay, Holley was the one who kept Sticky Fingers out of prison for her jewel heist, too.

Heller—who according to the New York Times has been called a “menace to the public” by some lawyers….funny, they say that about Lindsay, too—sent a letter to Holley saying he was now representing Lohan on all of her criminal matters.

The timing couldn’t have been worse, as Holley received the letter as she was headed to court to negotiate yet another sweet settlement for Lindsay in the lying-to-cops case. [UPDATE: Lindsay dodged a bullet because Shawn was able to plead 'Not Guilty' for her while this whole fired-not-fired mess gets ironed out.]

Good move Lindsay. Fire the lawyer who kept you out of prison for the past four years and replace her with a soap opera lawyer.

I object!

One of my favorite jokes at the Golden Globes was Tina Fey’s admonishment to Taylor Swift to keep her hands off Michael J. Fox’s son, Sam, who was, ahem, Mr. Golden Globes this year.
It was funny, cuz it’s true.

Swifty is one of those serial daters. Date ‘em, dump ‘em, write a bad song about ‘em.
She’s “dated” Joe Jonas, Lucas Till, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Cory Monteith, Jake Gyllenhall, Zac Efron, Eddie Redmayne, Conor Kennedy and, just recently, Harry Styles.
All since 2008. But, Swifty wasn’t interested in 23-year-old Sam Fox Sunday night. She usually likes her men to be boys, but apparently she set her sights on one Bradley Cooper.

I know.
Swifty wants The Coop, and is trying to enlist the aid of newfound friend, and Cooper’s co-star in Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence, to make him the next man in her web. But, when JLaw sounded Coop out on the idea of a Swifty date, he said, No.
Oh, yeah, Bradley Cooper is 38 and Swifty is 23.
“Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor,” a source—and you know it’s Taylor latest frenemy Miley Cyrus—says. First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor. He thinks she’s far too young for him and wants to date someone his own age, not 16-years younger.”
And crazy.

More on that Lawrence Wright book, Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & the Prison of Belief. Part of the book, as I mentioned earlier, is about Tom Cruise, who thinks he could be president.

Now it’s John Travolta’s turn. While The Groper may well be back in the bosom of Scientology, that wasn’t always the case. In fact, Wright’s book claims that at one point—sometime in the early 1980s—Travolta was sooooo over Scientology’s intolerance of his gay lifestyle that he threatened to bolt and “marry” his male lover.

Well, they weren’t having that!

Back then, in pre-Cruise days, Travolta was the most prominent member of Scientology, and had ALLEGEDLY confessed his homosexuality during church-run “auditing,” or counseling sessions. Wright says the church was terrified their top member would be exposed as gay—long considered to be an “illness” by Scientologists—and Wright believes they were prepared to destroy the actor’s rising career by outing him if he tried to defect.

Former Scientology official Jesse Prince told Wright that he was the church’s second highest-ranking official when he left it after 16 years in 1992. “Because of my position, I knew specifically what was said in certain auditing sessions, and I can confirm that John Travolta once threatened that he was going to marry his boyfriend. There’s no question [Scientology] had a lot on John’s gay activities and used it to keep him from leaving — and to keep him in line.”

In the end, says another source, the church convinced Travolta that following through on his threat would NOT be in the best interest….of his career, so Travolta stayed in, and eventually did marry his boyfriend, Kelly Preston.

Hard to say if the story is true because, it doesn’t make a lot of sense that Travolta would threaten to leave the “church” and marry his boyfriend, but the “church” kept him in line by threatening to out him.

Um, a man marrying a man is already kind of an outing, you know.

So, LOLhan and her peeps—the ones on her payroll—thought that the new soft-core porn movie, The Canyons, might be her redemption as far as her acting goes, after the d-i-sastrously craptastic Liz Loves Some Dick.

But, well, maybe that ain’t so.

It seems that the Sundance Film Festival has decided to pass on showing The Canyons during their run, and most folks are saying it’s Lohan’s fault.

The producers of the campy indie flick are said to be flat out stunned that their movie has been rejected by the annual Park City, Utah film festival and they believe Lohan’s to blame, Sources—and you know it’s Dina, drumming up press for her meal ticket—say that her appearance in the movie has been deemed a major “turn off” by Sundance folks.

Who knew that casting an unreliable, unprofessional, drunk driving, jewelry stealing, kidnapping, rehabbing wacktress would not be good for business?

Just sayin’.