I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Kim Kardashian is three months pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

A fat-assed, big-ego, media-whoring child, you know.

I'm waiting to see where Kim will sell the video of the birth, and when the video of the conception makes its debut on Pay Per View.

It's not the child's fault it has those two for parents.

Oh Lindsay Lohan! The holiday parties never end for alcoholics and drug addicts, eh?

It seems Lohan took a page from Amanda Bynes playbook last week while dining at The Lion in NYC during Christmas because she kept getting up from her table and wandering around the dining room....possibly looking to score. Or, maybe she'd already scored, because staffers at the restaurant helped her back to her table. Twice.

Which is kinda funny, because Lindsay then tweets pictures of a "meal"--read: box of wine--she made with Dina, and says she's going back to being a homebody for New Year's Eve.

Um, I think she meant homeless body because, with the IRS seizing chunks of change from the deep folds of Lindsay chins, she may not have an actual home much longer.
Oops, she doesn't. Lohan was just evicted from her $8000-a-month Beverly Hills home for non-payment of rent.

Well, I imagine someone is so giddy about this news that he doesn’t need his lifts to feel high.

Tommy's ex, Katie Holmes Broadway play Dead Accounts is dead in the water. The show—by “Smash” creator Theresa Rebeck—opened just last month and will close next week, nearly two months ahead of schedule. The play opened November 29 to mixed reviews, and reports say the show’s closure is due to poor ticket sales. But, maybe The Post’s theater critic Elisabeth Vincentelli, know the real reason. She wrote, of Katie Holmes' performance: “She’s got one note--shrill, impatient--and yells it at top volume, making a vein bulge on her slender neck.”

Ouch.

Like I said, Tom is probably feeling Five Feet Tall about now.

Lindsay Lohan is in London. Very expensive city.

And she’s staying at the Dorchester. Very expensive hotel.

And she’s eating at Cipriani and shopping at Harrod’s.

So, how is she paying for all this? Or, perhaps a better question is, who is paying for all this?

Perhaps a TV station, though Lindsay is adamantly denying that she has been tapped to be a body on the UK Celebrity Big Brother. But, if it isn’t a hack TV show, then, well, maybe she’s back to being an international call girl.

Again.

Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s ex, won a big payday in her lawsuit against The Canyons rehab facility in Malibu. On one of her—and this is no lie—nineteen attempts at rehab, Brooke had been treated at the facility, but took legal action against them for ALLEGEDLY leaking her private admissions documents to the press.

Brooke entered The Canyons in February of 2010 in the midst of her domestic abuse case with Charlie, and just days after she arrived, her admission documents showed up on multiple tabloid sources and headlines quickly revealed that she was seeking treatment for substance abuse.
Needless to say, Brooke left the facility shortly after she got word of the breach but waited until October 2011, nearly two years later, to file suit. Now, she and The Canyons have reached a settlement, and Brooke—who has been, in addition to a nineteen time failure at rehab, arrested for DUI and cocaine possession—has been awarded around $250,000. Think she’ll use the money to get clean, or use the money for more Adderall?

A story or so ago, I said that Lindsay tweeted that she wasn’t going to party on New Year’s Eve. Yeah, not so much.

Now we have pictures of LOLhan, and her drunken mother Dina, leaving a nightclub all drunk and skunky on Monday night.

And, so naturally, Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan, decided to sell that story to the press like this: “Can you believe this? Is this a case of the blind leading the blind or what?”

Michael then suggested that “maybe instead of checking into hotels and night clubs in London, Mommy Dearest and daughter should have checked into rehab together — but then again, neither of them have alcohol or drug problems!”

Maybe they could hook up with Brooke Mueller and get a group rate. I hear Brooke’s got extra cash lying about.

Sofia Vergara is one of the most in-demand actresses and commercial models in Hollywood right now, yet for some reason she’s currently engaged to some douche called Nick Loeb.

Apparently, over the holidays, while in Miami, Sofia posed for a picture with a fan and Nick got his coke spoon in a twist and was thrown out of a nightclub.

Witnesses said Loeb and Vergara began arguing in the VIP section of Miami Beach club Story because, as one eyewitness—and Lohan was in London so I’ll give her a pass on this one—says, “Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee.”

All because she posed for a photo?

Sofia? I love you, but you gotta ditch this bum; I’ve got one word for you: Rihanna.

Wasn’t it just a second ago that I said Lindsay Lohan, Trainwreck of the Stars, would be having a mellow New Years Eve?

Wrong. It seems Lindsay’s London trip was bought and paid for by a “rich” gentleman who was paying her to attend a, ahem, “private” party. I’m sensing she was paid with two dollar bills slipped inside her crusty firecrotch covering g-string.

Lindsay collected some $100,000 to celebrate 2013 with Brunei’s Haji Abdul Azim, aka Prince Azim, who throws some of the wildest, most lavish bashes ever, topped off with gift bags stuffed with expensive party favors like iPads and diamonds.

Lohan, who claimed to be planning a dinner at home on Monday night, had the party on her schedule for a while, says an inside named Dina, who added, “I whored out my child to keep me in Chardonnay and Xanax. See, Prince Azim not only flew her out; he put her up in a beautiful suite in the Dorchester for the weekend and following the party.”

Of course, Lindsay’s pimp, aka Drunken Dina, was also in London while her other children, you know, the ones she cannot make a profit from, stayed home alone in Long Island.

But, did the money Lindsay made go to her tax bill?

To her back rent on her Beverly Hills manse?

Or up her nose and to her pimp mama?

New Year, same pathetic LOLhans.