I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Okay, so you've arrested for drunk-or-drug driving, for kidnapping, for jewel theft, for car accident after car accident after .... you've been in rehab so often there's a revolving door and private elevator to the suite that bears your name at Promises .... your "film" career is in the toilet and you're left with a three-minute cameo on Glee and a sure-to-be-craptastic Lifetime movie .... what to do, what to do?

Talk to Grandma Barbara Walters, of course, for a big prime-time interview to promote your latest comeback. Except, even Barbara Walters won't let you get off easy. There will be tough questions about drugs and burglary and calling your Mama a coke-whore. Now what do you do?

Cancel.

While even today, most celebs wouldn't pull out of  Barbara Walters interviews, Lindsay Lohan's new PR team--her old team up-and-quit last week--Rogers & Cowan confirmed tonight that the actress will not be appearing on ABC’s 20/20, apparently because they were dissatisfied with the direction ABC wanted to take the interview. 

You know, by asking about her arrests and her drama and her mama.

So ....what to do, what to do?

Since, as Lindsay's peeps told Grandma Walters that "Lindsay wasn't up to [the interview]" imagine how fast the dentures flew from Walters yap when she heard that Lindsay is gonna sit down for a Liz & Dick talk with .... wait for it .... Jay Leno!

That makes perfect sense, because Leno won't ask the tough questions, like, Where do you score your drugs? and When you hit-and-run, how high are you? and So, your mother is a coke mule?

Smart move Lindsay, talk to a bad comic, because, well, your career and life are the biggest jokes out there.

I always kinda liked Kirstie Alley.

She used to be a big old coke whore until Scientology brainwashed cleaned her up, and nowadays she spends the same amount of money on flowers that she used to spend on coke, and, well, you can just walk into a shop and order flowers and don’t have to meet the florist in an alley somewhere.

So that's good.

But Alley's also kinda nuts.

She says John "MasseurGroping" Travolta was the "love of her life" and so definitely not gay, even though they never really dated and never even had sex.

She also says Patrick Swayze fell in love with her while they filmed a TV movie back in the day even though they never dated and never had sex. 

In fact, Swayze rejected her and nothing says love affair like Get out of my dressing room before I call security.

In Kirstie’s new book, The Art of Men, the 61-year-old wacktress claims that after a night of dirty dancing and partying, she finally made her move on Patrick, but was ceremoniously rejected.

“I want to make love with you. I just don’t care anymore, let’s just do it,” she remembers telling her hunky co-star in the heat of the moment.

Ever the gentleman, Patrick denied her proposition. “No. Come on, you’re drunk,” he said. “Kirstie, you don’t really want to do it. You’re not that kind of girl.”

While the star would later speak at Patrick’s funeral in 2009, Kirstie reveals she still isn’t sure his wife of 34 years, Lisa Niemi, ever caught wind of their on-set attraction.

“I have no idea if Lisa knows anything about Patrick and I… I was probably the least of Lisa’s problems with Patrick.”

Wow, she comes on to a drunk guy who says Thanks but no and that's a love affair.

I think instead of writing a book, Alley ought to read one; it's called the dictionary and look up the word "affair".

It's like an episode of Friends.

Janeane Garofalo was married for 20 years and didn’t even know it, until she needed to get divorced.

At the New York Comedy Festival reunion for The Ben Stiller Show Garofalo said that she married a writer on the series—Rob Cohen, who now produces The Big Bang Theory—in Las Vegas as a joke in the 1990s, and didn’t realize the nuptials had stuck.

“Rob and I got married, for real, which we had to have a notary dissolve not 30 minutes before we got here tonight,” Garofalo said. “We were married for 20 years until this evening....We got married drunk in Vegas....We dated for a year, and we got married at a drive-through chapel in a cab. [We thought] you have to go down to the courthouse and sign papers and stuff, so who knew? We were married, and apparently now that [Rob] is getting married for real, his lawyer dug up something.”

Maybe they have the same lawyer as Ross and Rachel?

I mean, I can understand getting drunk in Vegas, and I can even, kind of, understand getting drunk married in Vegas, but I cannot understand not knowing that getting drunk married in Vegas is .... getting married!

Unless you've been drunk for twenty years.

Shia LaBeouf loves his hats, so, you know, don't touch it.

He was at the neighborhood pub, Hobgoblin, in London, and spent several hours drinking--and maybe getting drunk married ... or just drunk--and happily posed for photos with fans. But the mood turned sour when a prankster grabbed Shia's baseball cap off'a his head.

A scuffle broke out and pub patrons separated the pair before Shia left in a taxi. Police were not called.

One witness said: “No one could believe that a well-known Hollywood star had rocked up at a bar in dingy SE14. Everyone was getting their photos taken with him. [But[ the scrap all started when this guy took his hat. I think he was just joking, but Shia didn’t like it. The guy just took it off him and wouldn’t give it back. He tried to get it back and they ended up tussling. It was handbags really. But it shows that even Hollywood stars can’t avoid grief down this way.”

Wait.

Was it a cap or a handbag, and if it was a handbag, is beefy Shia a team player?

Oh, handbags is kinda Brit-speak for ... well, something other than Shia LaBeouf is gay.

My bad. I best be quiet unless Shia wants to scuffle with me.

Or, better yet, leave his hat alone.

I’m guessing she’s out of chardonnay and cocaine, and needed a score, so Dina Lohan sat down for another interview to discuss her daughter-slash-bank account, Lindsay.

And right out of the gate she called Lohan a liar.

“Absolutely lied. We were having an argument, it escalated,” explains Dina of their October altercation in the limo. “She just wanted to hurt me at that moment. You know, mothers [and] daughters, we fight.”

My sister used to fight with my mom like that and I remember when she said my mom was “on cocaine” and … oh wait, mothers and daughters don’t fight like that, Lohans fight like that.

As for accusations that she uses cocaine, Dina replies, “I hate cocaine. I don’t do cocaine.”

She refused to answer questions about meth and boxed wine, however.

After Lindsay proclaimed that she was not being truthful about her coke-whore mother, Dina says, “I’m so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I mean, I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was, and she came clean and told the truth that she lied. I’m very proud of her for that, which is very difficult to have to do.”

You cried for weeks? Um, Dina, you delusional, drug-addled alcoholic, Lindsay changed her story the next day. If you cried for weeks it’s probably because your dealer wanted to wait a couple of weeks until the heat died down before he brought coke into your house again.

But, what killed me about this is when, whilst discussing the sure-to-be craptastic Lifetime movie Liz Loves Her Some Dick, Dina mentioned all of the similarities between Lindsay Lohan and Elizabeth Taylor.

With a straight, albeit Botoxed and coke hardened, face.

She said, “It’s uncanny, the similarities between Lindsay and Elizabeth…”

Both child stars. Check.

Both went to rehab. Well, one went many many times, and many many times more.

Both robbed a jewelry store.

Both drink and drive and hit and run and walk out on hotel bills and make crap Lifetime movies and porn films.

Oops. Not so similar.

Maybe Lindsay should do a Lifetime movie on Linda Lovelace and then we’ll have more similarities to discuss.

And the crazy continues ….

It seems as if Katie Holmes has a new name for her daughter Suri.

A source close to Kati—and I think it’s one of those Church of Scientology stalkers-- explains that she’s been calling Suri “Sara” in public “so as not to attract attention.”

The 6-year-old with the unique—and internationally recognizable—name is trying to avoid “privacy issues,” the source further tells In Touch. “Everyone in the world knows Suri Cruise, so if Katie or a babysitter says, ‘Suri,’ people immediately look to find her.”

Katie was recently overheard referring to her daughter as “Sara” to her Dead Accounts co-stars at rehearsals and luckily, the first-grader seems to love her other name. Last August, Suri was at Build-A-Bear Workshop requesting that her stuffed animal be named “Sara”.

Is this good? Make your child answer to a different name in public? I mean, when Suri is with the nanny or babysitter or bodyguard, who knows she’s Suri?

I think it’s all a ploy to get Tommy to top[le off’a his high heels.