Saturday, December 03, 2011

I Ain't One To Gossip, But.....

The Pimp and The Ice Cube are fighting.
Of course, by Pimp, I mean, Kris Jenner, the mother of all pimps--who, with the exception of not being certifiably insane, gives Dina Lohan a run for her money. And by Ice Cube, I mean frozen-faced-he-used-to-be-a-very-handsome-man-but-now-he's-just-an-average-looking-woman, Bruce Jenner.
Folks, and by folks, I mean the good people at the National Enquirer claim Kris and Bruce are fighting over Kim’s divorce and over money, and that Kris has even put Bruce on an allowance. Hopefully it's a plastic surgery allowance, but I digress.
Bruce is tired of Kris making work--and by work, I mean whoring off her children and the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson for money--her priority instead of family, and Kris can’t stand Bruce spending time and money on his expensive hobbies like golf and motorcycle racing and Botox.
A source--and by source I mean one of the younger, less pimped out K-named children--says, “Bruce has started standing up for himself, insists Kris cut back on her work and is spending more time away from the house to enjoy time by himself. He now wants a life away from the TV craziness. As a result, he and Kris are at a crisis point in their marriage.
And I'm sure they'll air it on TV to huge ratings, make a mint off of it, and then laugh at the gullibility of anyone who still finds that clan even remotely interesting.

And speaking of Pimp Mothers with big families, it seems that media-whore-mom, Kate Gosselin is reaching out to media-whore-mom Kris Jenner for lessons on how to pimp out her children.
And that's our Kate. Once she got a taste of all the things she could buy from selling her children on TV--like a new face, a married paid-boyfriend/bodyguard, friends, a huge house, nannies and all sorts of goodies--did anyone really think she was gonna settle for a normal job at that coupon company?
Nope. Kate has ALLEGEDLY reached out to pimp-extraordinaire Kris Jenner for help on “how to turn the Gosselin kids into a money-making machine” like the Kardashians.
A source--and by source, I mean any one of eight tiny sources--says, "Kate got Kris' email address and sent her a gushing note about how much she admires Kris for turning her family into international superstars [pause to guffaw]. Kate ended the note by saying, 'I hope you can teach me some of your tricks.'"
Wow, Kate just reeks of desperation, eh? She keeps rambling about how she's doing this to make a life for her kids, but I'm guessing her kids just want their mom back, and want her to stop being such a bitch to their dad.
Still, can you really see Kris J helping out Kate G? I mean, we all know the Kardashians are crashing and burning, and their fifteen minutes is so about over, but does anyone really think Kris Jenner would give someone pointers on how to make their family more popular, more money grubbing, more fame whoring, than hers?
Would Kris ever really leave a sinking ship to help Kate take her place as the Biggest TV Whore EVER??

I have been the Lohan train for a couple of weeks now, and some of you, well, one of you, doesn't like it.
So, I do have some wacktress news: Lindsay's being good.
I know!
It seems that Little Lost Lindsay Lohan is actually doing really well with her community service work with the dead people. So maybe structure was just what Lindsay needed, because she's not only on pace to complete her court-ordered morgue work, she's actually ::::gulp:::: ahead of the game!
Lohan has completed 10 of her 12 required morgue duty shifts and has more than three weeks to finish the last two.
Could our Lindsay be growing up? Has someone finally sat her down and explained that she is a drug addicted criminal who needs to get her act together? Or, as I'm apt to think, is this just the calm before the storm?
Rumor has it--I love that Adele song, BTW--that Lindsay doesn’t just plan to knock out the remaining two shifts by the December 14 deadline, but she also wants to get a jump on the hours she has to complete by her 2nd status hearing.
Sanity say what?
But......and this is a big but, like a JLo butt, I think, while Lindsay will be able to do her morgue work for this month, perhaps even next, she'll take a tumble. That's what she does. Cruise along, get in trouble, get in more trouble, get arrested, straighten out, and then repeat the cycle. 
I mean, does anyone with more than one brain cell think Lohan's not gonna party on New Year's Eve? I mean, New York, the islands, Paris. An actress/international call girl has work to do.

And speaking of Lohan--man, this post is rife with segues--now comes the news that another celebrity who has had bouts with drugs and arrests and all kinds of bad press is stepping forward to make sure Lindsay Lohan completes her court-ordered duties and gets her act together.
None other than Robert Downey Jr has....
What?
It's not RDJ?
Well, then, who's the former druggie badass helping La Lohan off the criminal treadmill?
What? WHAT??!!??
That’s right, Courtney Love--advocate for the beleaguered, downtrodden, and drugged-up masses--is claiming to be Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety coach.
Courtney: “I’ve taken up Lohan because nobody else will. She’s further down the line than I was."
Of course, Courtney didn’t reveal any more details of her relationship with Lindsay because she was too wacked out to remember them, and Lohan ain’t talking because, like most folks, she scared of Love.
But this, if you recall, isn't the first time Courtney has claimed she is helping Lindsay.
Earlier this year, Courtney gave an interview in which she ALLEGED that she’d helped a number of young stars through addiction and legal problems, and insisted Lindsay once called her for advice after she was arrested. Of course, Courtney also claims to have helped Kelly Osbourne after an ALLEGED overdose but Osborne denies that.
I mean, wouldn't this be the sweetest story if it was the story of RDJ helping out Lohan because he's been there? But when you find out it's Courtney Love it just becomes all sorts of crazy.
Seriously, just close your eyes and imagine a conversation between Lohan and Love and, I dare you, try not to laugh.

7 comments:

Jim said...

Alright Bob, the Lindsay Lohan fix on "Gossip" Saturday.
Love It!
If that young lady could keep her act together, she has shown potential, but that remains to be seen as pointed out in your post.

mistress maddie said...

oH...that is Bruce Jenner? I thought Kris Jenner switched sides to be with a Asian lesbian! And Lindsay will be in her permanent home I see?

Will said...

I imagine that Kris Jenner might actually help Kate Gosselin -- if she was paid a large enough fee.

BosGuy said...

Move over Chelsea, you are being replaced. This post served up all the pop culture dish worth reading...

R.J. said...

I'm so sick of Kate Gosselin. I'd almost have more respect for her if she kept a low profile and went on welfare like Octomom. Just go away, fame whore.

twunty mcslore said...

...and that's when the earth opened up and sent them all straight to Hell.

Joy said...

At least I won't be in the same Circle of Hell with all of those fame whores. Unfortunately, I'm here on Earth with them now. The horror!