The Calm One? Not so much.

I am The Calm One. I’m the one family seeks out for advice because I am non-nonsense and get-to-the-point. I am the Executor of my father’s estate because he knows I am detailed oriented and will handle it well. But if all this is true, please to explain what happened this weekend.

A little side story: when Carlos worked in Columbia, he would call as he was leaving to tell me he was on his way home. It’s about a 45 minute to an hour drive, so I’d plan on when he’d be home. But, when that time passed, and he still wasn’t home, my mind ran, not walked, into dead-in-a-ditch territory. And stayed there until Carlos walked into the house and said he’d stopped to get gas, or remembered something to get from the market.

The Calm One? Perhaps not.

We were home on Saturday, recovering from Prick #2, feeling really tired and a little sore in the arm. Carlos was napping and I was reading in the living room. The phone rang—we have a land line, don’t judge—and, as is my wont, I chose not to answer it. I heard the machine pick up—again, don’t judge me—and what sounded like a recorded message; I thought nothing of it and went back to my book.

But the message gnawed at me, and so I went into the office and pressed play; it still sounded like some recorded message and was something about a health emergency for Robert Slatten. Me? I figured it was nonsense, and erased it; I thought maybe it was a check-up call about our second dose, but then …

My father and I have the same name. Roberg Slatten. Medical emergency. What the … ? I checked the time. Two o’clock here, so 11AM at Dad’s and, if his schedule hadn’t changed, he was at the Oregon Coast Aquarium where he volunteers one day a week. I called his cell phone, but my dad doesn’t bring it into the aquarium. I called his house; no answer.

So, I called again and again. And I worried that the “medical emergency” caller would try back since they didn’t get an answer. I checked the time: 4PM, 1PM Dad’s time. He would be leaving the aquarium, so I tried the cell phone; no answer. I called the house; no answer. My mind went there: Dad’s dead and I didn’t pick up the phone.

I called the house again. I thought about calling the aquarium to see if he’d volunteered that day, but I couldn’t get through. 5PM here. He’d surely be home by 2PM. He has to let the dog out. I called the house; no answer. I looked up the phone number for the local police, you know, just in case. I found the number for the local hospital, too. 6PM; I tried the house and the cell phone; I checked his Facebook page to see when he’d last posted. I called again.

And, since I was losing my mind, and certain that my father was dead, I opted to keep Carlos out of the loop, because, while I knew my father was dead, I had no proof. We ate dinner; I called again; 6PM, no answer.

That was it. It was after seven, and I hadn’t heard a thing. I was calling the police in his town, or in the neighboring town and would have them bust down the door to his home. I reached for the phone as it started to ring. The Caller ID was Dad’s number. My mind said, “It’s your brother, you didn’t answer that call earlier and they called him and he drove up to Oregon and found Dad dead and is now calling from Dad’s house to give you the news.”

I picked up the phone; it was my dad.

“You called me? [Extra long pause pause] About fifty times?”

I don’t think it was fifty; it couldn’t have been more than forty.

The Calm One then had a nice chat with my dad who stayed longer at the aquarium because it was a holiday weekend and they had a much larger crowd than anticipated. After that I went to the living room and told Carlos that I was insane. He smiled and said to tell him something he didn’t know.

How as your weekend?

The Funny Papers

Ed Hall, Adam Zyglis, David Horsey, MattWuerker, John Deering, Michael de Adder, Bill Day, Marc Murphy, Bill Bramhall, Steve Benson, Deb Milbrath, Nick Anderson, Clay Bennett, Steve Sack, Jack Ohman, RJ Matson

Goodbye My Friend

Our dear sweet feisty bawdy bold Anne Marie is gone.

Every Saturday morning, I would stop by her blog for the message and the tunes, and the dancing and the wisdom, and the jokes.

Today I have a song for Annemarie and because I am at a loss for words, and I will post a few of hers ….

rut row, this ought to be interesting!

FUCK AMAZON!

PUNCH ALL THOSE FUCKING NAZIS!

YAYZ TUXEDO! 

GAYmen, bob!

come back when you fix up your shithole incest state, asstwat!

this bitch ain't fit to lick my toilets with her tongue! and her plastic surgeon should be sued!

YAYZ! halfway there! everyone needs a little prick now and then...

hang on, kitty! kitty, hang on! (sung to "hang on sloopy")

BLACK LIVES MATTER!

I like carlos just the way he is.

suh_NAP!

And one of the last things she posted on this blog ….

we'll be here tomorrow.

And she will be.

I am sad that we never got to meet in person, but I have the scarf she knitted for me, and the cards that she sent for birthdays—both mine and Carlos’—and our anniversary. My heart goes out to Todd, and everyone who knew, and loved her.

Annemarie.

I will miss you forever.

I Didn't Say It

Gavin Newsom, governor of California, on the mass shooting in San Jose this week:

“What the hell's going on in the United States? What the hell's wrong with us? And when are we going to come to grips with this? When are going to put down our arms, literally and figuratively?"

As I said yesterday, we won’t do anything until our elected officials, who take blood money from gun groups, are run out of office.

But even then we need to demand that something be done, because the blood that fell this week in San Jose is on all of our hands.

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Michele Bachmann, former GOP representative and presidential candidate, and certifiable lunatic, on the Capitol riot:

“Jan. 6, we’re all told that that’s the worst day that ever happened, these were the worst riots in America. It absolutely wasn’t. It is my opinion that this was a theatrical event that the progressive left put on. The individuals who were the instigators, who brought this about, these were agitators brought in to create this problem. I believe it was specifically done to rebrand [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] as being an insurrectionist and a leader of a terrorist movement. I also believe that this was done to rebrand the Make America Great agenda, those of us who supported [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] and that agenda as evil and terrorists. That’s all a lie. In the last five months, you wouldn’t even know that [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] was ever the president. You wouldn’t even know that those four years of his presidency existed. George Orwell wrote a book, ‘1984.’ He talked about a concept called the memory hole; if the government in charge didn’t want you to remember someone, they put them in the memory hole. [the twice-impeached, one-term loser] has been put in a memory hole, Make America Great Again has been put in a memory hole.”

Oh, so much to choose from … the only theatrical production Bachmann knows is the role of heterosexual husband played by her oh-so-gay-a-purse-falls-from-his-lips-every-time-he-speaks husband.

And the reason the GOP is being branded as evil terrorist is because they won’t even hold hearings on this terror attack because they know it will reveal their complicity.

And if you think the twice-impeached, one-term loser is being shoved down a memory hole, good, though he’d be better off in the prison hole.

Now, go pretend you’re married to a straight man and are a sane human being.

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Jimmy Kimmel, tearing into “imbecile maskholes” like Marjorie Taylor Greene.

“The only reason you’re somewhat safe now is that other people got the shot. You’re the person who heads for the bathroom when the check comes at the restaurant. You’re the lady who takes home the centerpieces from a wedding you weren’t invited to. You’re the guy who brings five napkins to a potluck dinner. That’s you. You don’t think it’s you. But it’s you.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene is a dangerous woman because if even one person buys the bull shiz she spreads, that’s one person too many. I hope Georgia is watching and will be voting to send her back to Hell from whence she came.

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Gabrielle Union, who along with husband Dwyane Wade, on her transgender stepdaughter, Zaya Wade:

"Everyone responded [to us] with love, resources and information. We weren't coming into it like it's got to be our way. We're going to mess up. We're going to say the wrong thing. But we had to learn and be led. Our home will never be a safe space for bigots. I look at problematic language as violence and I'm never going to expose anyone I love to violence, whether that be verbal, physical, emotional or spiritual. Jerks exist in every area of life. And we function from a place of truth in our household. But if you come at us, oh, be very prepared. We want to make sure [our kids] feel strong and supported and free to be exactly who they are."

And isn’t that what parent should do?

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Ryan Russell, out NFL veteran and writer, on the wave of anti-trans legislation that seeks to prevent trans youth from participating in sports:

“Ninety-nine out of a hundred times the reason athletes of similar ability don’t go the same distance or don’t make the leap from amateur to professional is circumstance and opportunity, two things that in our day and age—unlike mastery of a sport—you are born into. After the past few weeks, most trans children including those who have immense potential to be great athletes or, at the very least, find love and joy in sports, can’t even pick up a ball without legislation telling them they don’t belong. Being born Black, queer, trans or of any marginalized community puts you behind the starting line of any race, even when you might need that love and community more than we imagine. I was given an opportunity in football. I found love there. All kids need this. I needed it as a Black teenager in the south from a low-income, single-parent home. My NFL peers all needed someone to give them a shot or they never would have made it. And trans kids need this, too. They need to be treated like kids, like they are worthy of the opportunity to play, to find love and community on the field. Everyone is worthy of this. To exclude trans athletes is to use sport in direct opposition of where its true power lies. When it comes to change, sport is one of the strongest conduits to help show society what it is capable of when we come together, but it has to be used for the better of all of us. Jackie Robinson understood that, Robbie Rogers knew that, Megan Rapinoe knows that, Chris Mosier knows that, and I hope you know it as well.”

Nice to see a male athlete come out strong for trans youth. We need more voices like his.

Russell came out as bisexual in 2019 after playing in the NFL for three seasons.

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Bobservations

Carlos is a little lost with the iPhone. Every couple of days he’ll ask me how to do this or that; how to edit a photo, share a photo; hot to get an app. But, because he’s Carlos, the one thing he figured out on his own was how to change Siri’s gender and place of origin. His Siri is no longer some innocuous pleasant-sounding women, but an English gentleman, and this provides me hours of fun.

Carlos, when he can’t find his phone, calls out for Siri, and I usually respond in my own English accent:

“Sod off, ya bloody wanker, I’m right where you left me.”

But the best was the night Carlos hummed a melody and asked me the name of the song; now, while he’s musical, his signing-humming voice is less than perfect and I had no idea the tune; so, he held up Siri and asked her him, and he responded:

“I don’t know what you’re asking of me.”

Carlos was not amused and asked again and got the same response, and it was hard to tell who was angrier …Carlos or Lord Siri.

To be fair, the “essential workers” in Tuxedo’s life are the ones who put food in his dish, who let him nap of the table on the deck after a walkabout in the yard, and who hold him on their shoulders so he can sleep. But, then again, he’s always grateful.

After his breakup with Jennifer Lopez—and her mad dash to ReBoot Affleck—Alex Rodriguez is going for a glow up by teaming with Hims & Hers—the beauty company he and JLo invested in before busting up—to develop the brand’s first makeup for men:

“I wanted to create a product that solved an issue I faced every day. I realized as I was jumping from meeting to meeting, I needed something quick and easy in my routine to conceal blemishes or razor bumps.”

I think he stayed too long at the JLo.

Tim Keller, mayor of Albuquerque, New Mexico, put up a joke sign given to him by “The Daily Show” refusing checks from Thing #45:

“Just to clarify, we would accept one check from him for the amount of roughly $200,000 for services rendered.”

Keller says the city never received $200,000 it tried to charge his campaign for a rally he hosted during his presidency because … grifters gonna grift.

I had a dream the other night that Kim Kardastrophe and I shared a storage space and she was trying to get me to get my stuff out of it. That’s all.

Before leaving office, Barack Obama gave Thing #45 a warning about Michael Flynn.

Not surprisingly, Thing #45 ignored him, and made Flynn his National Security Adviser, and then fired him  for lying to Pence, after which Flynn pled guilty to lying to the FBI, before Thing #45 pardoned him. And since then, Flynn literally took the QAnon oath, has become increasingly unhinged about COVID, which he thinks was invented to help steal the 2020 election.

How did this ass become a general? Was he always an insane fuck or did he lose his mind? And to think the virus was created so Joe Biden could be elected President? If that was true, why didn’t the former guy attack the thing even harder and save the world and thus fund himself reelected?

Crazy fucker.

Has anyone else noticed that not one person in the country has said they miss Michael Elizabeth Pence? That speaks volumes about his political future.

It seems Texas Governor Greg Abbott, a Republican because of course, knew about the  looming natural gas shortages before a deep freeze plunged much of the state into blackouts a few months back, but did nothing while people died except to blame windmills.

Texas? For the love of the goddess, do better and remove this fool from office.

The co-worker who hoards gas and toilet paper told me this week that I didn’t need to wear the mask. I told her that, yes, outside, away from people, I don’t, but inside, where social distancing is hard, I do, until I’ve had my second prick.

And then this bitch tells me she has been vaccinated twice—though she never ever mentioned she was getting the vaccine—and said I was safe. I asked to see her vaccine card and she told me she didn’t have to show it. I reminded her that if she really had one, she wouldn't mind showing it.

Next up: socially distancing from the fucking stupid cuz there’s no vaccine for that!

I don't follow her on Twitter, because ...dumb, but I did see a Lauren Boebert Tweet where she announced that her was “Patriot”.

I replied: 

And it's spelled 'f-u-c-k-i-n-g i-d-i-o-t"

And it is.

It took the GQP leaders McCarthy and McConnell over five days to condemn Marjorie Taylor Greene for saying that wearing a mask is the same as sending Jews to the gas chamber. Let that sink in.

Another mass shooting in America, this time in San Jose. That’s all. I have no comment because those people in power don’t give  flying fuck about gun control as long as their pockets are lined with blood money, and the American people don’t seem to want to demand that Congress do something.

Lucas Cruz, another hot male model from España. With those baby blues and that mop of hair, he’s all kinds of dreamy.

Architecture Wednesday: London Slender House

Who wouldn’t want to live in the narrowest house in London? This slender home—sounds nicer than ‘tiny house’—is sandwiched between two storefronts in the Shepherd’s Bush neighborhood and isn’t really that small.

Sure, it’s just six feet wide—meaning I couldn’t sleep wall to-to-wall without bending my legs—but it is also five floors of living, making it a very surprising 1,034 square feet of living space.

You enter a small … of course … foyer that opens to the main living room, which features an original fireplace, and is at the rear of the home. A wide window on the back wall, overlooking the private outdoor garden area, allows ample natural light to create a bright and airy aesthetic in the small space.

The kitchen and dining area are located one floor down on the lower ground level; the kitchen sits as the front of the home, with the dining area in the rear, and features black-framed, double-height glass doors that open to the private patio in the back garden. Though small in size, the kitchen has ample cabinetry, with expansive wood countertops that provide plenty of space for meal prepping.

Two levels up from the kitchen, the first-floor features one of the home’s two bedrooms, along with a small study area; a small roof terrace can be accessed from this level. Up another flight of stairs is the bathroom, which takes up an entire floor, with the other bedroom on the top floor, with a balcony that looks down into the bathroom below.

It's not everyone’s cup of tea, and I might feel a bit claustrophobic in a six-foot wide house, and loathe the climbing of the stairs, but it is quite a home for just the right person!

If you have  £950K or $1,339,737 US dollars.

 

 Dwell