The Funny Papers

Ed Hall, Clay Bennett, Mike Smith, Nick Anderson, Darrin Bell, John Cole, Jim Morin, Ed Wexler, Bill Day

It's Snarkurday!

She wrote a book called ‘Class with the Countess’, but it looks like Luann de Lesseps forgot the chapter on getting arrested with class.

Yup, the RHoNY “star” was arrested in Palm Beach, Florida last Sunday morning on charges of disorderly intoxication, battery of an officer, resisting arrest and making threats against a public servant. The former countess, who divorced her soulmate this year after seven months of bliss, ALLEGEDLY slammed a door, kicked a police officer and shrieked:

“I’m going to fucking kill you all.”

During her court appearance on Sunday, the judge strongly advised Drunky de Lesseps to hire a defense attorney rather than ignore the charges, saying:

“I don’t think it would be that hard to find you.”

The “Countess” left Florida for New York at once and isn’t speaking to the press. She’s busy writing an addendum to her book on how to graciously threaten to murder police officers.

PS Lu has since apologized, sort of, via Twitter:

“I want to offer my most sincere apologies to anyone that I might have offended with my behavior. This was my first time in Palm Beach since my wedding and being here brought up buried emotions. I am committed to a transformative and hopeful 2018.”

Yup, she’s blaming the wedding last January for her behavior 11 months later. That’s class, minus the cl especially when you hear the rest of the story …

It seems Luann de Drunkenness was discovered getting her groove on with an unnamed man in room 407 at the Colony hotel in Palm Beach just as a maid was finishing turn-down service.

Trouble was, Luann was registered in room 327, so neither she nor the man she was with, in bed, were supposed to be in that room. And so, a security guard was called, and he ALLEGEDLY tried for five minutes to get the two drunks to leave and when they didn’t he called the police.

When the police arrived, Luann de Drunkenness had locked herself in the bathroom and was refusing to come out. The security guard used his key to open the door, and Luann shoved one officer in the chest and slammed the door on him.

That’s when she was wrestled down and into cuffs, and just before, as she was being escorted off property, she slipped free from the cuffs and shouted:

“I’m going to fucking kill you all.”

Such class, getting so drunk and so horny that she takes her conquest to a different room, on a different floor than hers and tries to bang him on someone else’s bed.

Take the ‘o’ out of countess, Luann.

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And speaking of “stars” and bad behavior, Lainie Kazan was also arrested last weekend for shoplifting.

On Christmas Eve, 77-year-old Kazan—best known as Toula’s mom in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Andrea Zuckerman’s grandma on Beverly Hills, 90210 and Grace Adler’s Aunt on Will & Grace—was handcuffed by the cops and taken down to the station on a petty theft charge after leaving a Gelson’s in the San Fernando Valley with a cart full of groceries she didn’t pay for.

Kazan ALLEGEDLY filled reusable bags with $180 worth of food and was stopped by an employee who called the police. Kazan said she didn’t pay for the groceries because she didn’t have any money.

Oooooh. Man, life would have been better for me had I known that was a ‘thing’ when I was in college.

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Since we have kind of a theme going here, you know, jail birds, let’s keep going with my favorite ex-convict, Lindsay Lohan.

It seems Lohan owes Uncle Sam some $100,000 for unpaid taxes, but, in true Lohan fashion, she is blaming someone, anyone, anyone, Bueller, for the mistake and says she, Lindsay Motherf**king Lohan, is launching an investigation into her management firm to nab the culprit. Lohan ALLEGEDLY believes the team, and specifically one manager on that team, improperly handled her money.

Huh, an investigation into tax fraud by Lohan? I have more faith in OJ’s Hunt For The Real Killers mission.

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Last summer, Olivia de Havilland sued FX and Feud creator Ryan Murphy for using her likeness in the show without her permission; she also took a few potshots at Catherine Zeta-Jones over the latter’s portrayal of her. 

Well, the 101-year-old de Havilland asked a court to speed up the case because, well, she’s 101 years old and … yeah … but Murphy’s side argued that their depiction of Olivia was protected under the First Amendment and so they didn’t have to contact her for her “side” of the story.

And now de Havilland has smacked back. Her attorney argues that supporting Ryan and FX’s “First Amendment” logic would give docudrama creators unfair immunity, pointing to a specific scene where Olivia [CZJ] gossips about Bette and Joan, something the real Olivia would never do:

“Appellants [Murphy and FX] acted with reckless or intentional disregard for the truth or falsity of the challenged statements. … In that fake interview, Respondent gossips and makes negative comments about Davis and Crawford’s personal lives. Evidence that defendant made up a fake interview that never happened is grounds for a defamation claim … Respondent giving other interviews during her career about other subjects does not make the statements attributed to Respondent’ any less false. Mixing fact and falsehood makes the conduct worse, not better.”

I said it before, and will say it again, I think Feud: Olivia and Ryan has a place on FX, if this lawsuit ever ends!

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“Dr.” Phil is a quack. There; I said it.

Anyone who has ever watched his show knows that he is less doctor and more “doctor” whose show seems intent on exploiting people rather than helping them. And now, according to an investigation published by The Boston Globe’s STAT News, the “doctor” is ALLEGEDLY guilty of encouraging his guests to get fucked-up before they walk on stage.

You.Don’t.Say.

STAT spoke with several former guests, including former Survivor winner Todd Herzog, who appeared on an episode in 2013 to deal with alcoholism. Herzog was so drunk on camera, which begs the question why have him on, that he had to be physically carried onto the set by his family and “Dr.” Phil. But Todd says he wasn’t drunk when he got to the studio, and says he was told to wait in the greenroom where a bar was set up; and where he drank all the vodka. Todd also claims a “Dr.” Phil staff member gave him a Xanax to “calm his nerves.”  So, was it really a big surprise that when Todd came out onstage “Dr.” Phil gave him a breathalyzer and Todd blew more than three times the legal limit?

And ratings went up? And Todd isn’t the only one; other former guests ALLEGE that the show left them, unsupervised, in hotel rooms for 48-hours before they came on the show, and they say this caused them to turn to old habits like drugs and drink while they waited to see the bald-headed jack ass.

When one guest named Jordan started itching for heroin, a producer ALLEGEDLY directed her to Skid Row in Los Angeles. Another guest named Kaitlin, who was six months pregnant at the time, began to detox while waiting for her episode taping, so Kaitlin, her mom, and a show went shopping for a dealer.

I mean, if you’re doing a show on abuse, the guests must be clearly abusing drugs, right?

STAT also investigated the ALLEGEDLY shady Origins Behavioral HeathCare, “Dr.” Phil’s go-to rehab centers. Origins was founded in 2009 by Dr. Phil’s graduate school mentor Frank Lawlis, who has been an advisor to the show since it began in 2002. “Dr.” Phil sends many of the shows addicts to Origins, but he and his show don’t feel there is a conflict of interest at all.

Go figure. But there’s more; “Dr.” Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, recently launched a virtual reality rehab program called “Dr.” Phil’s Path to Recovery that rehab centers have purchased for monthly rates between $3,500 and $7000.

Nothing to see there, right?

“Dr.” Phil had no comment for the story; and Martin Greenberg, a psychologist who serves as Dr. Phil’s director of professional affairs, also had nothing to say. But it clearly looks like the fat bald bastard exploits his guests to line his own pockets and those of his friends and family.

Who didn’t see that coming?

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Just A Thought

I Didn't Say It ...

Seth Meyers, on _____’s tax bill, and the idea that _____ actually thinks he came up with the term ‘tax cuts’:

“Oh my God! Do you really think you came up with the phrase, ‘tax cuts?’ Those are literally the two most popular words in the history of politics! … That’s right, Trump claims he invented the phrase, ‘tax cuts.’ That is so fake, the only thing that would be more fake is claiming you came up with the word ‘fake’. [And] you passed one bill. People are so enthusiastic about you that Alabama elected a Democratic senator.”

God, is there a single topic about which he will not take credit?

Oh yeah, that whole being a horrid president thing.

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Kellyanne Conway, ____’s lapdog, attacking the Mueller investigation:

“Americans need to see the entire process for what it is. And I’ve noticed people who are trying to cover these latest bombshell revelations about the bias against Donald ____ as a candidate — they’re trying to cover it by somehow saying the president is against the FBI, he’s trying to shut down the investigation. No, we need to see — his lawyers made clear, everybody is complying with that investigation, including the president, who is not under investigation, we are told. Look, everybody should see both sides of the coin here.”

Spin, Kelly, spin. I cannot wait for you to go down.

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Franklin Graham, alleged Man of God, telling Rosie O’Donnell she’s going to Hell:

“Rosie O’Donnell is back in the news today for going after Speaker of the House Paul Ryan on Twitter after he posted a Christmas video message honoring the birth of Jesus Christ. Among other things, she told Speaker Ryan he was going ‘straight to hell.’ Rosie, you don’t have the keys to hell, but I know the One who does. And I can tell you who will be there. Hell is going to be filled with people who rejected God’s offer of salvation and turned their backs on His laws and standards, refusing to repent. Jesus Christ is God in the flesh, and He took your sins and mine to the Cross, dying in our place, so that we might live–if we would turn from our sins and put our faith in Him. I hope one day you will put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ and let him heal your heart, clean up your mouth, and forgive your sins. Do that today—you’ll never regret it.”

Wow. A man who supports a sexual predator, who said he grabs women by the pussy, is suggesting to anyone at all that he knows who is going to Hell?

Fuck off, Franklin.

God sees your hypocrisy and She is not amused.

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Anderson Cooper, on The Tonight Show revealing how he met Andy Cohen on a blind date and knew within seconds it wouldn’t work:

“We were actually set up on a blind date. You know when straight people know two gay guys, they’re like, ‘Oh you guys should meet.’ We had a phone call to set up the date, I was a young reporter at NBC, he was at CBS. And I knew within 45 seconds, I was never going on a date with Andy Cohen. I imagined him on a Bluetooth headset and gesticulating. He was all excited. And he violated my cardinal rule, which is he asked me about my mom within the first minute of talking to me."

You dodged that bullet, Anderson, but, um, yeah, you know, I would never ask about your mother, so, um, yeah, just in case, you know … Husband In My head.

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Jane Fonda, who turned 80 last week, on being thankful she’s still alive:

“[As a young woman] I never pictured 30. I assumed I wouldn’t live very long and that I would die lonely and an addict of some sort. I didn’t think if I did live this long, that I would be vibrant and healthy and still working. I’m grateful. I’m thankful that I’ve gotten better over the 80 years. I’m less judgmental. I’m forgiving. It wasn’t always true. I’ve really worked hard to get better as a human being.”

I’m a fan; and thinking of all the things she’s done in her eighty years proves what a remarkable life she’s had.

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Barack Obama, without mentioning _____, on the dangers of social media:

“One of the dangers of the internet is that people can have entirely different realities. They can be just cocooned in information that reinforces their current biases. The question I think really has to do with how do we harness this technology in a way that allows a multiplicity of voices, allows a diversity of views, but doesn’t lead to a balkanization of our society, but rather continues to promote ways of finding common ground … All of us in leadership have to find ways in which we can recreate a common space on the internet. It used to be, in the United states for example, we had three television stations and everybody watched Walter Cronkite or David Brinkley or whoever the chief anchor was. Everybody had a common set of facts, and so there might be conservatives and liberals, but people could generally agree on a baseline of reality.”

These days we have 500-plus channels and all kinds of “reality” and a Fat Bastard spinning his own reality, er, lies, as truth.

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Just A Thought

Bobservations

We watched Good Morning America while having breakfast on Christmas Day and when Santa appeared with gifts, Carlos said:

“Is that Matt Lauer?”

Sometimes he doesn’t know how really funny he is.

Clearly the Fat Bastard has no problem with elder abuse, because his administration is scaling back the use of fines against nursing homes that harm residents or place them in grave risk of injury.

Since 2013, nearly four of every 10 nursing homes have been cited at least once for a serious violation.

I hope the Fat Bastard will be okay because after Junior locks him away in Shady Pines, there’s no telling what he’ll endure. And I’m fine with that.

In a Christmas Day editorial, the Salt Lake Tribune named GOP Senator Orrin Hatch as its “Utahn of the Year.”

That sounds nice, until you read further, and they say he earned the honor by his stunning “lack of integrity.” The editorial board claims Hatch had an extraordinary year and “has done the most … made the most news … had the biggest impact. For good or for ill.”

In Hatch’s case, the paper put him in the ‘ill’ column because of his part in aiding and abetting _____’s dismantling of the Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments, his role as chairman of the Senate Finance Committee in passing that GOP Tax Scam and his “utter lack of integrity that rises from his unquenchable thirst for power.”

The paper then urged Hatch to step aside, but Orrin Hatch clearly didn’t read the article, save the headline, because he Tweeted about the ‘honor.’

Stupid little asshat.

In high-larious news, someone sent a package wrapped in holiday gift paper and filled with horse manure to US Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin.

That’s all.

In hypocritical news, Callista Gingrich began her duties as the new US ambassador to the Vatican.

Gingrich, wearing a traditional black mantilla, presented her credentials to Pope Francis though I think she left out the part where she reveals that she is Newt Gingrich’s third wife and had an affair with him when she was a congressional aide and he was still married to his second wife.

Hey, she talked Newt into converting to Catholicism, so maybe Pope Frankie ignored the three times married adulterer parts, still, judging by that photo it might be best to keep a supply of Holy Water and an exorcist on hand.

Just Satan, er, sayin’.

Arizona’s GOP Senator Jeff Flake says he isn’t ruling out a 2020 presidential run following his term in the Senate.

Um, Jeff, that might have sounded promising when you announced your retirement and blasted _____ in a speech, but, you know, since you voted for the GOP Tax Scam, you are clearly a GOP asshat of epic proportions.

Good luck losing that election.

Speaking of the Fat Bastard, _____ visited Mar-a-Lago for Christmas, and went golfing the day after; he insisted he is on a “working vacation” but because he’s as dumb as a box of GOP Congressman, he Tweeted on Christmas night that he would get “back to work” Tuesday.

Really.

Carlos does not like making decisions; if you ask him if he’d like dinner served now, he’ll say. “I could eat.’ And I usually say that isn’t an answer, because it also implies that he could not eat.

On Christmas Day he tried that with me and we both ended up laughing so hard at his “We could … “ lines and his “If you’re ready …” nonsense and his “Whenever you want …” bull shiz.

I finally had to shout:

“Do.You.Want.Dinner.Now? Yes OR No?”

And then I get an answer.

We all know the Fat Bastard got his panties in a wad when his Attorney General, Little Jeffy Sessions, recused himself from the Russia probe because _____ believed that helped lead to Mueller’s appointment.

But this is better, and by better, I mean stupid.

Now the Fat Bastard is blaming Jeff Sessions for Ry Moore’s defeat in Alabama because it was Sessions’ departure from the Senate to the DOJ that necessitated the election Moore lost.

Like I said, stupid.

Man Candy this week is one Daniel Kaluuya, from Get Out, a disturbing horror film—or is it—along with three stars from Nocturnal Animals, the always delicious Jake Gyllenhaal, Aaron Taylor-Johnson—thanks for the nude scene—and Armie Hammer.

Hammer’s role was small but any chance I get to post his photo, well, deal with it.

Architecture Wednesday: Schoolhouse to Private House In Less Than 100 Years

This building, in Leiden, The Netherlands, was built in 1925, and used to be a nursey until it was abandoned.

But some smart, recycling soul found it and turned it into a stunning home, preserving many of the original details yet creating open spaces filled with natural light. High ceilings allow air to flow, as well as skylights to allow more natural light into the space.

In addition, rooftop solar panels, improved building insulation, and centrally controlled lighting, as well as climate, shading, and security systems have been added to the converted schoolhouse bringing it from the early 20th century into the 21st.

I just love when an old space is given new life, and a new use, rather than being torn down, and this is one of my favorites.

Click to emBIGGERate.

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Just A Thought

Just A Thought