It's Snarkurday!

I guess when you TV show goes off the air you have to decide what to do with your life and in the case of former Glee co-star, and Lea Michele frenemy, Naya Rivera, the choice was to be a husband beater.

Rivera was arrested and charged with domestic battery this week in West Virginia after her husband, Ryan Dorsey says she started slapping him around while they were taking their two-year-old son Josey for a walk. I can see that memory ingrained in the child’s head: I saw Mommy beat the crap outta Daddy on an evening stroll.

Anyway, police were called and when they arrived on scene Ryan told them that Naya had “struck him in the head and the bottom lip” during their family outing. He even produced a cell phone video of the assault.

Naya was arraigned, her bond was set at $1000, and then Ryan’s Daddy came and picked her up from jail. Well, it is West Virginia, so it doesn’t get a lot more hillbilly. And who knew, after Glee, that Naya’s next film appearance would be grainy cell phone video of her beating up her husband?

Lea Michele, that’s who.

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There was big news in the HGTV world earlier this year when the Shiplap King and Queen, Chip and Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper fame, announced that this would be the last season of their hit show because they were going to take a breather and spend more time with their family.

Rumors swirled of trouble in the marriage, trouble at home, trouble at The Silos—you’d know if you watched—but maybe it’s not trouble it’s just that they angling for more coins.

It now appears that Chip and Joanna were quitting HGTV until Discovery could buy Scripps—HGTV’s parent company—and then Discovery would open up the wallet and coins would rain down on the Gaines’. See, Chipper and JoJo had ALLEGEDLY been battling with HGTV for a while about how they would only “fixer upper” if the new version of the home was full of their Magnolia merch. HGTV wasn’t keen on it, and the Gaines’ walked … 

Until Discovery scoops up the show and then they’ll be back with more shiplap, more metal letters on the wall and more money in their bank account.

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Oh Ivana Ivana Ivana. Every time she does an interview you wonder what she’ll say; sure, since her ex became the Fat Bastard she walked back those ALLEGATIONS that he once raped her, but she does like to throw shade at the third Missus Fat Bastard. And she drags Donny and Mellie every chance she gets, like a few months ago when she called herself the real First Lady and Melania’s face nearly cracked in two.

Ivana recently appeared on the Irish talk show The Ray D’Arcy Show and couldn’t resist the opportunity to remind us all that she is The First Wife and Baby Mama. Then Ray, who knows when to strike, asked Ivana about that whole “First Lady” snark and he asked Ivana how Melania is doing as First Lady:

“I thinks she's trying her best.”

Maybe that explains why Melania decorated the White House for Christmas with a Hall of Horrors and a witch’s cauldron in the East Room where she’s learning how to drown a Voo Doo doll of Ivana.

And least “I thinks’ so.

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Halle Berry recently broke up another of her marriages with French actor Olivier Martinez and declared that she would be single for a while and taking some Me Time. And she did, for a hot second; she spent some time in India on a spiritual retreat. But when Thanksgiving rolled around and Halle took off for Bora Bora, she didn’t go it alone, and she didn’t go with her children. She went with 35-year-old music producer Alex da Kid.

To be fair, Halle announced she had a new boyfriend via Instagram in September, but that was just a couple of weeks after she gave an interview to People where she said she was on a dating hiatus and wanted a “minute to be with myself.” 

Minute was right.

And I imagine Halle will be getting married again real soon and then getting divorced real soon after that and taking another minute.

PS Is it just me or does Halle look like she’s being taken hostage by her new beau in that photo?

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Don’t mess with Beyoncé. And don’t call your company Feyoncé Inc. because Bey will slap a lawsuit down on you so hard you’ll feel like you were Jay Z and you’d just been caught cheating again … or found yourself in an elevator with Solange.

Feyoncé produced a line of engagement-themed mugs and shirts featuring the word “feyoncé” in Beyoncé’s preferred typeface—one that, apparently, no one else on the planet is allowed to use—and Beyoncé sued faster that you can say I wanted that Grammy they gave to Adele.

Now Beyoncé doesn’t have a trademark on the word feyoncé, so she had her lawyers claim it’s a blatant allusion to her song “Single Ladies” … huh, what, huh … and Feyoncé Inc. responded by saying their website doesn’t mention Beyoncé, and they don’t market themselves as having any association with her … well, except for, you know, selling mugs that say “He put a ring on it” under a word that looks suspiciously like Beyoncé’s name.

But, as for their name, Feyoncé claims it’s simply a phonetic way of spelling “fiancé” and they are calling Queen Bey a “bully” who feels her famous name entitles her to take pennies from their pockets. Feyoncé Inc. also argued that no one would ever confuse Beyoncé’s expensive merchandise with their, ahem, cheaper goods:

“Beyoncé products consist of expensive products with sophisticated consumers. This factor weighs against a likelihood of confusion because the customers are highly sophisticated and would exercise heightened care before purchasing the goods of defendants.”

Wow; they dog Beyoncé by misappropriating her font and misappropriating a line from one of her songs—a line no one else in the history of the world has ever uttered—and they dog their own clients as cheap.

I’m loving it.

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So Mariah Carey dated billionaire James Packer for about nine months—in fact, she was engaged to the man—until it all fell apart one night when he saw her eating a chicken, bones and all.

Well, maybe not, but still … Mariah felt she deserved some coins for her time spent as Packer’s fiancé, not to be confused with feyoncé, and  she sued him for the breakup.

Yes, she did. She first asked for fifty million dollars because she moved to LA to be near him and she doesn’t do LA., and this week a settlement was reached: Mimi gets to keep the million dollar ring and Packer is paying her somewhere between $5 and $10 million dollars in settlement for a marriage that never happened.

Even on the lower end of the settlement—the five mil—Mariah made about $1800 a day for the duration of their relationship which finally proves my point that Mariah Carey is the highest paid hooker on the planet.

I cannot wait for the say she breaks up with backup dancer Bryan Tanaka and sues him for a bag of Doritos. And wins.

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This was the week of morning show dudes accused, and fired, for sexual harassment. We started with Charlie Rose and then switched almost gleefully into smug Matt Lauer.

CBS and NBC down; who’s the perv at ABC?

Apparently Matty sexually assaulted a female staffer during the Sochi Olympic Games in 2014; he apparently thought luge meant lewd, and the ski jump was ski hump. But, after all the recent developments, the woman went to NBC HR with her story, which was enough to kick Lauer’s ass to the curb, but presented them with other evidence of his behavior toward other women.

But, before we all say Good for NBC maybe think that the network was just trying to save face and get ahead of the news that was coming since, ALLEGEDLY, CNN, The New York Times and Variety had stories pending about Lauer.

Which, and this is where I get pissed, a lot of people knew or suspected that Matty was showing off Little Matty to female staffers—after locking them in his office with a button hidden under his desk—and making lewd comments while on camera and wearing a live mic.

Seriously, several years ago Lauer was caught, on camera, ogling a female on the set and saying, “I love that sweater, Bend over some more.”

So clearly NBC knew their perv was Lauer, but since Middle America liked him why not let some women fall victim to his lewd comments and sex toy giftage.

Sorry, Matt, not sorry. I hope you never work again.

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Oh JLaw, you’re a big star now, though your last couple of films have bombed … careful on the way down … and yet you still don’t know who pays your bills.

We The Public.

Apparently Jennifer Lawrence has admitted to being a bitch to fans because, you know, she cannot be bothered to smile, say hello, listen to a compliment, or pause for a selfie, and will do whatever it takes to avoid that, like …

“Once I enter a public place, I become incredibly rude. I turn into a huge asshole. That’s kind of like my only way of defending myself, is just being like, an asshole. Like, see somebody walking towards my table, and just go [wags finger no], or like ‘Can I have a selfie?’ and I’m like ‘No!’ That’s like my only defense.”

True, JLaw doesn’t always act the rude bitch; sometimes, after she shrieks “NO PHOTOS.’ She mutters something about it being her day off.

But, and this is where she doesn’t get it: those people asking for an autograph, or saying Hello, or wanting a picture, are the people who buys tickets to see her movies, and when acts all C U Next Tuesday to her fans, she’s only cutting off her nose to spite her face because once she’s pissed off enough fans, er, former, fans, she’ll be back at The Gap folding t-shirts and begging Selena Gomez for a photo.

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