It's Snarkurday!

The story goes like this … Kanye says he asked Taylor swift about a lyric in one of his “songs” where he says he’d “f**k” her and she said that was fine. What wasn’t fine, was Kanye calling Taylor a “b*tch” in the same song; she says Kanye never talked about that.

Well, Kanye records his phone calls, and Missus Kanye, er, Kim Kardastrophe, released the video of Kanye asking Taylor about the lyrics and Taylor saying, “Yeah, go ahead and call me a b*tch, everyone else does.” Or something.

Well, TayTay threatened to press charges against Kanye for recording their conversations because that’s a crime in California … IF … the conversation is confidential. Sadly Kanye had Swifty on speaker so, yeah, not so confidential Tay.

So, while Swifty hasn’t hired a Teletubbie attorney, she is considering filing a police report against The Kardastrophes. She says that, while she heard other voices in the room, she didn’t know she was on speaker, so she didn’t think they could hear her.

Oh honey. Stop.

I find it hilarious that she’s pissy about being called a b*tch but has no problems with Kanye saying he wanted to f**k her.

But it isn’t just the Kardastrophes who are beefing with Swifty …

A street artist from Melbourne named Lush Sux, following Kim Kardastrophes airing of “the vide-ho”— not a typo — has taken a page from the social media nuts who now claim that Kim Killed Taylor and created a memorial artwall for Swifty … though to cover his ass, he does call her “Taylor Smith.”

The mural, with a by no means unflattering portrait of the “Bad Blood” singer, reads, “In loving memory of Taylor Smith, 1989-2016.”

And now, Smith, er, Swift’s lawyers are threatening to sue.

Lush Sux did not give any details about the ALLEGED email, citing legal reasons, but has said he will not destroy the memorial.

RIP Taylor Smith.

So, Jenny McCarthy. Sheesh. With all her attention to plastic surgery and Botox and fillers and chemical peels, she really is one to talk. No, I mean she’s talking about it … a lot.

On her radio show last week she spoke with “actress” Tara Reid, of Sharknado fame, and the conversation quickly devolved … as a conversation between two morons usually does. Jenny started off nice, but, you know, ratings and press, she slipped into bitch mode.

Jenny complemented Tara her latest reality show appearance in Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars:

“I f**king love you on that show, but are you glad you did it?”

“It’s not worth the time to talk about. There’s confusing things about it. We are not talking about it.”

McCarthy continued to try and talk about it, until Reid said:

“Babe, I asked you, please let’s not talk about this show. We’re all here about Sharknado.”

So, Jenny did, and asked Reid if she had to get into peak physical shape for it.

“It’s not like you really need to get into shape. It’s Sharknado. They’re fake sharks.”

So, McCarthy went shark, and brought up the topic of Reid’s past surgeries and asked if she was still going under the knife.

“No, I haven’t had any surgery for awhile … Jenny.”

And Jenny dug deeper, with almost surgical precision:

“You look great now. So, you’re good and done, not moving forward with plastic surgery?”

“I think I’ve made that clear about 100 times. Maybe you only read the bad things, but I’ve made that really clear for so many years. Read what you want to read… It was really nice talking to you and really good luck with your show.”

Reid starts to get up and Jenny snaps back:

“Good luck to you, too, and I’m so excited about Sharknado and I hope you stay married.”

“I hope you stay married too. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. I hope your tits get even nicer, because they’re amazing. The same guy who did mine, right? I’ll always use your advice. You’re the best. Bye.”

“Love you, Tara. Good luck with Sharknado 18.”

Ouch. It hurts when has-beens fight.

This is a bizarre story.

Apparently, the now twice-nominated actor Tituss Burgess — Unbreakable Kimmy Schimdt —called a moving company to pick up his couch to be reupholstered.

When the movers didn’t show up on time, Tituss called back and the company said they were 15 minutes away and would give him a discount. Then they asked Tituss to write a Yelp review for them and he agreed to write a review when the job was done but as soon as he hung up, the “company” texted him back and said:

“No review, no show.”

And Tituss went off:

“My name is Tituss Burgess. I’m an Emmy Nominated Actor for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt currently streaming on Netflix. Thats besides the point.”

And we’ll stop … is it really, Tituss? Really?

“These guys are the absolute most UNPROFESSIONAL workers I have EVER DEALT WITH. I called this man this morning. We chatted. He said he could move my couch at 1pm which was the time I requested. 1:30 still no movers. I called back and he says I will give you a discount .. I said ok. He says but you have to post a review on yelp. I said when you complete the job I will complete the review … he texts saying no review no show. This went on for about 45 minutes. It Completely threw my entire day. I called him about 9 times but he wouldn’t pick up but he somehow was capable of texting. DO NOT USE THIS COMPANY. Im going to post this to twitter to my instagram to my Facebook. You messed with the wrong Queen.”

And then he went all kinds of hashtag ..

#franksexpress

#Igotcha

#lizaminelli

#DONOTTHREATENMEIWILLWIN.”

Wait? What? Hashtag “lizaminelli” is a threat?

Well, the “company” has responded and says they don’t know Tituss … his ego just exploded … and that no one at the “company” ever spoke to him and then posted this to their website:

“Dear Tituss! We are very sorry for fatal misunderstanding. But we have never spoken with you by phone. We never reserve our trucks and crews via phone. It is rule! … We never ask our customer about good reviews before a move. And of course our dispatcher never threatens to our customers. We are very small Company and we watch our reputation. It would be an honor to help Tituss Burgess for us … but we suspect that someone is using our good Company name and our reputation … “

 And it goes on and on and on because the owner, like Tituss, doesn’t know when to sit down ... on the couch that no one ever bothered to pick up?

Time is a cruel mistress, though you can fight the ravages of aging on your face and skin and hair and chins but not your hands.

I mean, take Madonna, she has the face of a twenty-year-old and the hands of Margaret Hamilton from the Wizard of Oz. But she also has cash … and though she used to wear gloves every time she stepped out … she is now showing off her new hands.

The British tabloids, which call them “Madonna mitts” might have to stop because Madge has undergone several rounds of something called “redermalization mesotherapy.”

The procedure, which ALLEGEDLY originated in Russia … Putin’s hands are like a newborn baby … takes 45 minutes and involves 80 to 100 micro-injections of amino acids, vitamins, and hyaluronic acid “to stimulate the production of skin-plumping collagen.”

Sadly, at first, the amino acids and hyaluronic acid form unsightly bubbles on the skin, but within about 24 hours, hands regain visible volume and elasticity, resulting in a smoother, more wrinkle-free look.

I imagine Madge’s boy-toys are happy with the change because the old Madge handjobs felt like sandpaper on your privates … or so I’ve been told.

Now if she could do something about her neck?