It's Snarkurday!

Look, everyone knows that if you’re around Chris Brown, you’ll end up with his fist in your face, a chair in your face, or a pile of rocks thrown at your car when you visit him at anger management rehab. I mean, that’s why I turned down the job of Chris Brown’s Sock Folder.

But, apparently, Brown’s former manager/handler, Mike G, didn’t know that because he is now suing Brown for assaulting him.

You.Don’t.Say. Mike G was hired in 2012 to change Brown’s image from a girlfriend beating, chair throwing, rock hurling lunatic, and to get him out of debt and off drugs and says he performed his job admirably.

Really? Well, things ALLEGEDLY turned bad last month when, Mike G claims, Brown brutally attacked him and punched him in face and neck, and made him listen to a Taylor Swift song, all of which landed him in the emergency room.

The lawsuit claims Brown, rather than being sorry for being a dick, began mocking Mike G on social media and bragging to friends about the beating, even telling his roadies that if they got out of line he’d beat them just like he beat Mike G.

Look, I feel bad for Mike G, but, yeah, um when you’re hired to revamp the image of a man who beats girls and chairs and cars and has a drug issue, what exactly do you think might happen.

Again, that’s why I turned sown the Sock position.

I love to swear; I hear that only really smart people swear but I don’t give a f**k about that, I just love to drop every motherf**king, god**ned sh*tty curse word I can. Unless it’ll get me arrested … like it did to 50 Cent.

See, Fiddy was hosting an event in St. Kitts last week and ended up also performing his hit[?] song “P.I.M.P.” which contains some, um, bad words. Now, Fiddy was ALLEGEDLY warned ahead of time not to swear, because certain swear words are illegal in St Kitts.

Note to self: St Kitts is off the Bucket List.

Well, Fiddy ignored that whole “no swearing” thing since during his brief time onstage he repeatedly used the word “mother**ker” and so island police were waiting for him after the show to take him to Curse Word Jail, or something, where he was booked for using profanity in public.

Fiddy paid his fine — funny how he has the money for that but not for that lawsuit he lost — and returned home. His people released a statement saying that the concert was a success, and adding that the next time 50 Cent goes to St. Kitts, he’ll “leave the motherfuckers in the United States.”

Better yet, keep Fiddy at home and let the motherfuckers run rampant on St Kitts.

You know, 2013 was really Gwyneth Paltrow’s year; she was dubbed the World’s Most Beautiful Woman at the same time she was awarded the Most Hated Celebrity honor and topped the list at Star magazine of the 20 Most Hated Celebrities … beating out Lohan and Hilton and a slew of Kardastrophe’s, Taylor Swift, Kristen Stewart … Chris Brown.

And now, three years after those back-to-back hate awards, Paltrow is talking about them:

“First of all, I was like, ‘I’m the most hated celebrity? More than, like, Chris Brown?’ What did I do?”

And then, before waiting for the answer — which is “Look at yourself, you pompous self-entitled gasbag” — Paltrow proved why she’s so loathed:

“All I can do is be my authentic self. But I think there are things about me that make people draw conclusions. For example, there is the perception that I grew up very wealthy and that I was given, you know…that I was sort of raised with a silver spoon in my mouth, which inspires a lot of resentment.”

Um, you did grow up wealthy but that isn’t why people hate you; people hate you because you think the reason people hate you is because you grew up wealthy.

I’m still surprised she didn’t spin it that she’s the Very Very Best At Being Hated.

Nobody does it better.

Well, it looks like Chris Brown is getting sued again!

This week Suge Knight filed a lawsuit against Brown and nightclub 1OAK over Chris Brown’s disastrous 2014 pre-MTV VMAs party at the club.

The messiness started when someone tried to shoot Chris Brown but ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead and now, two years later, Suge is ALLEGEDLY still feeling the pain of those seven gunshots, including a blood clot. Oddly enough, though, there is some question over whether the blood clot is a result of the shooting at Brown’s party or any one of the other multitudes of times that Suge has been shot … like in 2005 when he was shot at a Kanye West bash.

The lawsuit also claims that the shooting is the reason why Suge fled the scene after hitting a man with his car during the filming of Straight Outta Compton; they want y’all to believe that Suge was so shook up from the shooting five years earlier and fled because he was “afraid for his life.” That man he ran over died and Suge is in jail awaiting trial.

So, I’m guessing the suit against Brown is because he needs coins for his jail card to buy smokes and porn?

One would think Suge would have learned to stay home.

Dance Moms star Abby Lee Miller is dancing the Don’t Send Me To Jail jig as fast as she can.

See, she plead guilty to bankruptcy fraud and failing to report bringing thousands of Australian dollars into the United States and was indicted on twenty counts of bankruptcy fraud, concealment of bankruptcy assets, and false bankruptcy declarations when it was learned she attempted to hide $775,000 in earnings from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and other projects.

The indictment also included the discovery of emails sent from Abby to her accountant with the subject line:

“LETS MAKE MONEY AND KEEP ME OUT OF JAIL”

The emails instructed her accountant to “not raise any red flags” and “DON’T PUT CASH IN THE BANK!!!”

Miller faces up to two-and-a-half years in prison. Funny, though, I always thought she’d get brought down for that Donald Trump Spray Tan she rocks and the Tammy Faye Bakker Make-up treatments.

Taylor Swift thinks she’s going to marry Tom Hiddleston — and I, for one, am sickened because I thought Tom had better taste than dating a Blow-Up-Kewpie Doll with no discernible talent other than being a perpetually prepubescent teenaged poetess—because, she says, “He’s the one.”

But, um, Swifty, wasn’t Calvin Harris “the one” about a half –minute ago before he Katie Holmes’d his way out of the Hello Kitty Cat Carrier you kept him in and fled at the first mention of marriage?

Take a break, TayTay, focus on you … then go away.

Well, well, well, Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her fourth husband, Michael Lockwood, after ten years of marriage citing, wait for it, “irreconcilable differences.”

Lisa Marie wants full custody of their 7-year-old twin girls and monitored visitation for Michael. She’s not asking for any spousal support or child support, which is kind of a ‘duh’ since being Elvis Presley’s sole heir is the kind of thing that keeps your bank account tight for life.

This is Lisa’s fourth time in the Divorce Sweepstakes, though maybe two of those don’t really count because she was insane at the time of the weddings.

She was married to the father of her two older children, musician Danny Keough, for six years, but in 1994 she WTF Married Michael Jackson for two years or so, then slipped off his ring to put one on given to her by Nicolas Cage. Then she married Lockwood.

Like I said, two of those marriages shouldn’t count.

So, while Kim and Kanye battle Swifty over the line in his rap that he made TayTay famous, and wants to f**k her, one person is feeling very snubbed.

Paris Hilton has crawled out of the muck to remind us all that there would be no Kardastrophes if there was no Paris … Let me bask in that world for a moment … Okay … back.

See, an Instagram user … Instagrammer? … put up a snapshot that Paris is reposting all over the net from Kanye’s “Famous” video that shows Paris in bed with Kimye under the tagline:

“I made his bitch famous.”

As if we need another reason to loathe Paris and inch her up a couple of notches closer to Paltrow’s Hate Throne.

And, again with Chris Brown …

Lawsuits and lawsuits and now, his tour manager Nancy Ghosh quit after he ALLEGEDLY cornered her on his tour bus and unleashed a “threatening, drug-fueled tirade.”

That’s our Chris Brown! But Ghosh isn’t the only one to depart.

Apparently TMZ got their greasy little paws on a series of texts between Chris Brown and his now-former publicist Nicole Perna, who quit over Brown’s clothing line, Black Pyramid.

Nicole sent Chris this text:

“Loooove all the black pyramid pieces … awesome collection!”

Brown responded with:

“I don’t want you texting me compliments with no results.”

He then called her a “do-nothing bitch” for failing to get Black Pyramid featured in magazines like Vogue and GQ, but Nicole, who may have been annoyed at being called a bitch — some women are like that, and rightfully so — snapped back that Anna Wintour and other fashion editors don’t want anything to do with him.

Chris spit back that he doesn’t “give a fuck” whether she works for him or not and so Nicole went for “Not.”

And this was all going on at the time Chris was ALLEGEDLY assaulting Mike G because there’s a text from Brown to G that reads:

“Send this bitch her termination.”

But she was already gone, and Chris Brown will soon be left alone with no one to beat on except chairs and car windows.