It's Snarkurday!

There are all kinds of theories as to why Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris exploded, but maybe it just boils down to Kewpie Doll Ego?

See, Calvin had a fairly big hit song with “This Is What You Came For” — I only know this because I read it, not because I ever heard the song … ick — but ALLEGEDLY some of the lyrics — differing versions of “Oooooooooh Oooooooooh” — were written by Swifty.

Folks say Swifty ALLEGEDLY wrote the song, sent it to Calvin, and they recorded a demo, but then felt it was wrong to work together on some sucky tune — because Taylor has the rights to all sucky tunes — so Rihanna sang it and TayTay was reduced to background Ooooohs. Then when Calvin was out promoting the song he said he wouldn’t do music with Taylor … and … cue Taylor Swift’s Teenage Meltdown.

And cue her people “accidentally” releasing information that she co-wrote the tune. Then cue Calvin, trying to make nice—saying Swifty is :::cough cough::: an “amazing lyric writer” and that she sang on the song too—but when Swift moved on to Tom Hiddleston the niceties were off.  Harris began Mean-Tweeting and even dragged TayTay’s Best Frenemy into the fight by saying he would not let Swift “bury him” the way she tried to bury Katy Perry.

Perry then piped up on Twitter with a GIF of Hilary Clinton giving some side-eye and then reTweeted some shade she’s posted about Taylor’s “Bad Blood” video:

“Time will tell.”

Now, seriously, these folks are too damn old and too damn famous for these kinds of Twit Feuds, but then other folks, less rich, less famous, less Swifty Robotic, started a hashtag #TaylorSwiftIsoverParty and then trolled Taylor’s Instagram and filled the comments section with snake emojis.

Taylor isn’t talking, or singing, but I imagine she’ll marry Tom Hiddleston as a way to “get back” at everyone and then “write” a bunch of grown-assed-woman-teenage-angsty songs about it to punish us further.

Consider yourselves warned.

Tori Spelling has learned that no matter how many times you cry poverty, you still gotta pay your taxes.

See, California has hit Tori, and her co-adulterer husband, with a tax lien to the tune of $259,108.23 in unpaid taxes from 2014.

What will Tori do? Probably pitch a reality show to Lifetime called Tori and Dean in the Slammer.

Lamar Odom is ALLEGEDLY drinking again … a few months after he almost died from the drink and the drug and the hookers at a Nevada brothel. But sources — most likely That Woman, his not-yet-ex-mother-in-law — say Lamar isn’t worried and can handle his drinking; or can he?

Think again because this week Lamar was kicked off a flight for being a drunken mess.

Waiting for a flight from LAX to NYC Lamar decided to beers and whiskey in an airport bar, and by the time he boarded the plane, before he even sat down, Odom started vomiting in the galley and the bathroom.

Doused in puke, Lamar was escorted off the plane by flight attendants while a cleaning crew came in and un-puked it … and then it got messier ten minutes later, when Lamar was allowed back on the plane. He sat down, then got up and, this time, made it to the bathroom before the hurling commenced and then he was taken off the flight for good.

But this isn’t all on Lamar … howsabout the bartender who thought it was a good idea to serve Lamar Odom all that booze, or the flight attendants who brought his drunken ass back onto the plane?

Seriously, if that was me they’d have slammed my ass in airport jail, but rich drunks get preferential treatment as long as they only puke once.

Puke twice and all bets are off.

In a prime example of ‘snark,’ “Difficult People” creator Julie Klausner says Hollywood stars only pretend to be pals — and that Gwyneth Paltrow is the biggest, phoniest “backstabber” in town:

“They pretend that they are [all great friends], but the stuff that is said about people behind the scenes is really terrible. [And] well — Gwyneth Paltrow — there’s many a tale to tell … all kinds of backstabbing.”

Klausner would give no specific details — perhaps after learning that Paltrow sells hit men on GOOP — but did say that Paltrow is now “into [Eastern therapy] cupping — maybe she’s cupping instead of backstabbing.”

I’d be careful of the stabbing comments … Paltrow. GOOP. High-priced hit man. Still, Klausner has taken potshots at Paltrow before, like when she Tweeted:

“Click here to witness the chemistry between Gwyneth Paltrow and Jimmy Fallon AKA the comedy version of ammonia and bleach!”

I wonder which one was Paltrow?

Dr. Phil is suing mad and aiming his gut at the National Enquirer.

Yup, “Doctor” Phil and his wife Robin McGraw are suing American Media Inc., who owns the National Enquirer published almost 100 false stories about their marriage imploding over the last 13-year period.  Huh; I guess it’s best to handle the nasty tabloid stories for a decade so you can get a bigger payout?

Phil claims the National prints a fake story about him and Robin every two months … like he’s a cheater … like she’s divorcing him … like how she kicked him to the curb. You know, the stories they print about every pseudo-wannabe famous person like the McGraw’s … stories like how he’s a cheater, or how they’re headed for divorce, or how Robin kicked him to the curb.

Apparently Phil threatened American Media with a libel suit before, and they agreed to stop telling fibs but then the Enquirer was all, “No, we’re still talking.”

Still, I wonder why the McGraw’s didn’t file suit … oh, I don’t know … thirteen years ago. Maybe it really is just about getting a bigger payout? Maybe the Oprah money is running out? Maybe, ALLEGEDLY, they are divorcing and Phil needs to cash for alimony?

ALLEGEDLY.

It’s been a while since we heard about Lindsay Lohan Crack Drama—which I have suggested as the title of the “book” she said she’s “writing.” But then she turned 30 and crazy came out to play.

To celebrate the milestone — seriously, many people thought she wouldn’t live to see 25 — Lindsay’s fiancé Egor Tarabasov took Lohan and a group of people to Mykonos, Greece for a party. Lindsay tried to get various companies or brands to sponsor her birthday party but everyone was like, “Lindsay who?”

So maybe that’s why she brought the drama ... Lohan was ALLEGEDLY—I kid, using italics! — after reading a text on Egor’s phone and shocked the assembled guests — there were at least three hangers-on — and Egor’s mother Elena — by hurling the phone into the sea. Egor, in a way of getting back at Lohan to really hurt her, tossed his drink onto her head.

Wasting alcohol in front of — much less on top of — a Lohan? That’s almost a capital offense in that family.

Luckily, security pulled the lovebirds apart and Lindsay drove off — careful Mykonos, Lohan’s driving — and Egor continued to party.

Reality show famewhores Kim and Kyle Richards are being sued by a woman who claims that Kim’s dog Kingsley attacked her at Kyle’s house.

It all happened when the “stars” of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills invited stylist Paige Sanderson to Kyle’s house to dress Kim for a promotional appearance. Hopefully not at a hotel bar … if you know Kim. Or at a Target store … if you know Kim … or a wedding in Mexico … yada yada yada.

Kingsley, already known for his aggression — he ALLEGEDLY bit Kyle’s daughter in the last year — lunged at Sanderson, bit and held on to her lower abdomen and crotch, tearing off her leggings and underwear and ripping out portions of flesh.

That’s awful, but it gets uglier because Sanderson ALLEGES that Kim Richards refused to call 911 unless Sanderson promised to cover for Kingsley and blame the attack on a stray dog.

Well, Sanderson was like “Eff you” and is suing Kim and the dog, and Kyle because it happened at Kyle’s house. She wants cash for emotional distress, cosmetic surgery and medical bills and I want a front row seat at that mediation to watch Kim try to Word Soup an explanation and watch Kyle flip her hair and giggle.

It’ll all make for a Very Special Episode of RHoBH.