Dear Pat Robertson, 
I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.
But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle.
Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.
You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please.
Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.
Best,
Satan
LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS
The letter originally appeared HERE
chortle. Yup, great minds think alike! Now why didn't we think to write the letter in the first place? Did you catch the Pat Robertson voodoo doll placed on ebay? David had it up on his blog.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I like the way you think!
ReplyDeletePeople like Pat Robertson are so stuck so far up inside their own ass that they don't realize how damaging their comments are to their own cause! Sure, it may entertain those who already are devoted to them, but isn't the whole point of Christianity to reach out to others and draw them into their ministries? Dumbass...