Here we are, another year, another Oscars, with a little pretty and a little ugly, and one that I will have to scrub from my brain to forget that I saw it, so let’s dive right in …
Fan Bingbing. I know, I’m going to say later that I am over these giant dresses, but this one, with a dress of shimmering silver and a gorgeous green overcoat with sleeves that last forever, is stunningly beautiful.
Emily Blunt. These column dresses can look a little dull sometimes, especially in white, but the fit and the sleeves and the glitter give this life.
Florence Pugh in yet another big gown, but the black shorts underneath, and the massive platforms bring a bit of punk and edge to this look; extra props for the hair.
Janelle Monae in a color most people won’t like, but I love. I love the shock of color, the bare skin, the bustier top and the regal look on Janelle’s face proving she owns this, and you.
Jessica Chastain. Between the hair … perfection … and the fit … ooh la la … we have a gorgeous sexy, but classy dress. I love the black detail on the front that spills down the back. This is how that’s dine.
Marlee Matlin. I don’t know if she’s had work done, but her face is gorgeous, her hair is fabulous, and I love the idea of a bolero jacket over a skirt trimmed in ostrich feathers.
Sofia Carson. I don’t know; didn’t know she was an actress or a singer but man, is she one gorgeous woman in a gorgeous gown—though, again, where’s the color—and makeup and hair for days. She’s a princess with a little somethin’, somethin’ going on.
Nicole Kidman. Yes, she’s got flowers like Halle Berry, further down, but on this dress they don’t seem like an afterthought. Plus, with the simple tousled hair, and the slinkiness of the gown, Nicole is giving me Evil Queen and y’all know I love an Evil Queen … being one myself.
Angela Bassett is film royalty and nailed it with the regal purple gown for the gods. The hair, the face, the smile, t’s just gorgeous.
Ana de Armas shimmered in mermaid dress tinged with a hint of blue. It kinda got washed out with the Oscars new champagne carpet, but it still stunned.
Cara Delivigne could have been swallowed up by this monster ballgown with a flower as big as The Rock's head, but she worked it to pieces.
Michelle Williams. This is how you do a sheer beaded overlay on a dress that doesn’t look like it was last minute addition. My one quibble, I would have loved some color as the dress kind of washes her out.
Salma Hayek finally put away the granny gowns, with the ruffles and flourishes and gave us shocking orange tinsel and sequined fringe. Mad props Salma.
Halle Bailey in a ruffled tulle under-the-sea moment—she’s the live-action Little Mermaid—with hot pants underneath; it’s young and cool but would have looked cooler in a more modern, less fluffy silhouette.
Danai Gurira in what is really a slinky black ballgown, that keeps it simple and elegant up top, though a bit too full and ballsy on the bottom.
Halle Berry … that other Halle in crisp white with a waist high slit; I was bothered by the flowers, less is kinda more, but e=very time I look at it, it’s the slit that tries too hard to be sexy. That said, Halle looks gorgeous as ever.
Jamie Lee Curtis in a slinky high-necked, long-sleeved sequined dress that looks safe and simple and elegant. She's giving me new age Helen Mirren and y'all know how I feel about that Dame.
Monica Barbaro in another giant gown though this one lost some fabric up top and gave us side boob and flat boob. It just seems a little try hard.
Sigourney Weaver taking a little of the Jamie Lee Curtis effect with a less stern neckline.
Allison Williams. She’s no Fan Bingbing, and although the sequined dress is stunning, the addition of that enormous overcoat ... that can't even be captured in one photo ... and the shredded fabric at the hem is all too much.
Ariana Dubose. It’s a bit stiff, and I loathe the idea of a train just for the sake of a train. Plus, on E! they showed a dress Halle Berry wore years ago, by Versace the same designer as this one, in black and this looks the same. I mean, if you’re gonna reboot, reboot the original.
Ava Duvernay. I get it, she’s a director and possibly not a fashionista, but this really ages her with its tinfoil wrap and train.
Elizabeth Olsen. I love the dress, which is giving me 1920s fabulousness, but that sheer thing hanging down over it is just too much; the dress, which looked like oil, didn’t need any help.
Hong Chau. I love the color. I love the slightly Asian look; Hong Chau said she asked the designer to add the Mandarin collar. But that black hairy train is literally unforgiveable.
Sarah Polley. Cute. Not Oscar; more West Village Lesbian supper club server. I mean, she could have worn a suit that was more fitting to the occasion cuz this ain't that.
Jennifer Connelly in a black version of Emily Blunt’s column dress, but the lack of sleeves and that sequined lobster bib neck piece do it no good at all; it’s good, not better.
Kerry Condon. Nice color, but man is this dull even with the feather stacked onto a sad little train.
Michelle Yeoh. After a season of some fashion risks, wins and losses, like the black gown with the straw detail, on the front she wore to the SAG awards, Michelle busts out this white feathered wedding gown for Oscar? I had much higher expectations. It’s not Bad, it’s Meh.
Sandra Oh. Goddess I love her, and I love her for wearing color, but unless she’s standing still, hands on hips like this photo, she is swallowed up in fabric. Not a good look Sandy.
Andie MacDowell wearing designer Boring, and to steal a joke from this weekend’s SNL, it’s from the Kirkland Collection at CostCo.
Elizabeth Banks. It looks like a tornado swept through Hollywood and this is what landed on her. Plus, she looks pissed to be seen in it.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks like cheap couch fabric turned into a really boring gown,
Kate Hudson clearly thinks tin-foil and tulle an Oscar gown make, but what they really make is Jiffy Pop.
Andrea Riseborough is clearly trying to honor her grandmother by wearing Nana’s wedding gown to The Oscars when she should have saved it for a shopping excursion to Tractor Supply..
Zoe Saldana is one of the most beautiful women, but she ruined it with this tired milk maid negligee looking number.
Ashley Graham. Let’s see … floor length split cape? Check. Bikini top with wraparound straps? Got it. Sheer floor-length skirt over granny panties? Nailed it. Looking good at the Oscars? Missed it.
Mindy Kaling in a stiff, see-through, boned corset, bra topped, long-sleeved, stiff looking lump of blah. Of note, during the show, Kaling presented wearing the exact same dress n black and it looked 1000% better.
Eva Longoria. Eva Eva Eva, you could almost turn a gay man straight … I kid, that’s impossible … but she can’t even try in this mess; so much going on, pattern and plunge … sequins and rhinestones … sheerness and yet stiffness. Honey. No.
Rooney Mara in a literal sad sack. The hair, the face, the dress … sad.
WHITE HOT, WHITE NOT
Harry Shum twisted the tuxedo, gave it an asymmetrical lapel, lengthened it, and wrapped in a sash creating a kind of East meets West look that totally rocked it.
Paul Mescal. I am not a fan of a white tuxedo jacket, but his flourish with the sequined rose was nice and then he ruined it with the wide legged pants. I can’t with those. I can’t.
Austin Butler. I can’t help it; he looks like he’s wasting away and I am so over his relentless I played Elvis and stayed in character for three years “story” and his basic bitch tuxedo. He's giving me starving drenched feral cat and I am so not having it.
Jay Ellis, actor, in a basic tuxedo, but the fit is perfect and he looks sleek and cool and hot.
Michael B. Jordan is the only man who can have a tuxedo tailored to show off his amazing physique and make a grown-assed man dream and … well, let’s leave it at dream.
John Cho took his basic tuxedo to another left, losing the bow tie, added some velvet, and what looks like maybe a vest and looks as sexy and hot as always.
A LITTLE MONOTONE, A LITTLE COLOR
Danny Ramirez, in what might have been just a tuxedo, but he gave up the white shirt and bow time for a black button down and no tie. Sleek and sexy.
Idris Elba in a royal blue jacket wins; Idris always wins. And yeah, I know, he could have shown up in sweats and still looked hotter than most men.
Gabriel LaBelle brought out the burgundy velvet; he’s a cute little mop top nugget.
Alexander Dreymon is a slab of steaming hot beefcake in a classic tuxedo, but done in cool royal blue velvet.
Harvey Guillén decided to one up Harry and really worked a tuxedo with a floor-length embroidered coat that gave it flash and edge.
Questlove marches to the beat of his own fashion drummer and for that he gets props; but does he need to march in crocs? Oh.Hell.No.
Jonathan Majors is one hot man; he’s so hot I’d go see a boxing movie just for the scenes with his shirt off, but … really Jonathan? The short pants with your socks exposed? That ain’t a fashion risk, that’s a fashion felony.
Ram Charan also paid tribute to his culture in his choice of tuxedo that has edge and elegances and a hot man wearing it.
Lenny Kravitz brought the rock-and-roll, though I might have loved the shirt being more open and the pants a wee bit tight cuz I’m shallow like that.
Riz Ahmed; f Lenny brought the 70s rock, Rz gave us hints of 50s cool rock. He totally bailed on the tuxedo and gave us wide collar and way open shirt and I am here for it.
The Rock. I don’t wanna be rude but between the color of the jacket and his oddly shaped bald head he looks like an uncircumcised penis … and not in a good way. Go ahead now, unsee it.
That’s it from me. What did you think?