It's Snarkurday!

Mo’Nique has been out and about bashing Netflix because they offered her a measly $50,000 for a comedy special after offering Amy Schumer millions; to be fair, Amy sold out Madison Square Garden twice and had a hit movie in 2017 and Mo’Nique ……. Crickets.

This week she took her Cheese’n’Whine act to The View and one Whoopi Goldberg was not having it. When Joy Behar asked Mo’ to elaborate on her current status in Hollywood, she claimed to have been experiencing a backlash since starring in Precious:

“Eight years ago, I did a movie called Precious. On that film I received $50,000. That was not my argument, nor my fight because that’s what I signed up for. My deal was with a man named Lee Daniels. I did all of my contractual obligations and I was done. Then I started getting phone calls from Lee Daniels, Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey. They wanted me to come work for free. To go over to Cannes and promote this film internationally. I said to them, ‘Guys, my deal is with Lee Daniels and I’ve done my job.’ And they all agreed.”

Mo’Nique then tried to suggest that being asked to go to Cannes was somehow akin to being sexually harassed or assaulted:

“This is what happens, in my humble opinion, when you don’t go up to the hotel room.”

Seriously, she thinks a studio wanting you to promote a movie is the same as actresses getting assaulted in hotel rooms. And that’s when Whoopi had enough:

“I’m going to stop you, because contractually, when you make a movie, regardless of who you sign the deal with, your job is to go and promote said movie. So, when they wanted you to come — and we’ve had this conversation. I told you, ‘If you had called me, I could have schooled you on what was expected.’”

And Mo’Nique tried to explain, again:

“Now when I make this statement, ‘This is what happens when you don’t go to the room,’ what Tyler Perry showed me, Lee Daniels, Oprah Winfrey and Lionsgate, is when you don’t do what we ask you to do, we’ll take your livelihood. So, for eight years, my family has suffered, and my career has suffered because what I would not allow those entities to do was bully me. And because I didn’t allow the bullying to happen, this is now what I sit in.”

Seriously, you were asked to go promote a movie, as Whoopi said was part of your obligation, but because they didn’t throw more coins at you, you claim it’s a #MeToo moment?

Gurl bye.

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You may remember Veronica Morales who own an event planning company called Blue Ivy and has been sued, and is suing, Beyoncé because Beyoncé named her baby Blue Ivy and only Beyoncé can market a child for coins even though Veronica came up with that name way before Blue Ivy Carter was born.

Beyoncé is adamant about owning the trademark so she can begin selling merchandise under that name, but Veronica has long opposed the trademark filing and tried to settle with Bey.

And now she has revealed how she wants it settled … Morales wants Beyoncé to buy her business and the “Blue Ivy” trademark and then the two women could work together. And Morales will allow this to happen for $10 million.

Except Beyoncé doesn’t share coins with anyone whose name isn’t Knowles or Carter, so she said Oh hell no!

And now she and her legal team want all the evidence of Morales deal pitch, including her Power Point™ presentation because they say this was her plan all along … to sell her business for coins rather than close it because an egomaniacal pop tart wants control over a couple of words.

I am so Team Morales. Well, I am actually Team AnybodyButBeyonce.

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Last October, Ewan McGregor left his wife of 22 years, Eve Mavrakis, after having an affair with his Fargo costar Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Now, some say Ewan and Eve had sort of an open marriage though they never confirmed as much, but there were long-standing rumors of his affairs with multiple female costars over the years. But he always went back to Eve.

Until Winstead; until he filed for divorce; until he moved in with Winstead. Until that might be over, because ALLEGEDLY Mary Elizabeth Winstead is tired of being called a “homewrecker” and may have ended the affair.

I thought she might have ended it when Ewan won a Golden Globe earlier this year and, in his speech, thanked his wife and his mistress.

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Okay, Kevin Federline, the ex-mister Britney Spears, used to be The Joke … until Britney went Umbrella Bald Crazy and suddenly she became the joke, but …let us not forget that since K-Fed and Brit divorced, and Britney’s father became her conservator, he has had primary custody of their two sons and can decide how much time Britney spends with their sons; and he’s been pretty fair, from what they say, but …now K-Fed wants more coins after Brit’s successful Las Vegas residency, which has grossed some $137 million. And so K-Fed’s lawyer sent a letter to Spears’ team asking for an increase of the more than $20,000 a month he gets now … more than the $700 a day he gets now.

Both parties are hoping to reach an amicable agreement without having to go to court, though if they do it will be K-Fed and Papa Spears facing off because, sadly, legally, Brit has no standing with either money or her kids.

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Poor Heather Locklear … she has another mugshot to add to her I’m Trying To Beat Lohan In The Mugshot Sweepstakes collection. That's the old one on the left, and the newest one is to the right.

Her last mugshot came last year after she drove her Porsche into a ditch in Thousand Oaks and was found to be more than a little drunk’n’high. But this time the mugshot is because she was arrested at her home for ALLEGEDLY beating up her boyfriend, Chris Heisser, and then attacking a police officer.

Shades of LuAnn de Lesseps!

Apparently, Heather’s brother, Mark, showed up at her house in time to see the main attraction of his sister pummeling her boyfriend, and calling 911.  When police arrived, they saw a “visible mark” on Heisser, so they tried to arrest her, but Locklear wasn’t going down without another fight; she began flailing around and kicking at least three deputies who eventually put her into handcuffs and took her to a hospital for “evaluation.” She’s been charged with felony domestic violence and 3 counts of misdemeanor battery on emergency personnel.

Heather has been arrested for DUI before, and last year, she went to rehab for the fifth time for her addiction to booze and pills. In 2012, she was accused of punching then-boyfriend Jack Wagner in the face during a fight where they both got violent on each other.

Cue the next I’m going to rehab statement.

And, to make it even more interesting, a few hours after Heather’s arrest for beating him up, Chris Heisser was arrested for DUI on the 101 freeway.

Oh, they sound fun!

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And keeping with the Old School Melrose Place gossip, it looks like Jamie Lunar, who played Lexi on the show, may have sexually abused a minor back in the day.

A thirty-something man has filed a sexual misconduct report with the LAPD claiming that when he was 16 years old in 1998, Jamie Luner, 27 at the time, performed oral sex on him.

To be fair, there are no details on where it happened or if the man was a teen actor at the time, and while the police are investigating, it’s unlikely that they’ll file charges against since the statute of limitations is up.

Still, Melrose Place off-screen must have been as wild as Melrose Place on-screen.

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They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a cloned version of your dead dog if you’re Barbra Streisand.

Last year, Bab’s beloved 14-year-old Sammie Streisand went … to live on a farm where he could run free. I mean, at least I think that’s where he went, my parents always told me when our pets suddenly disappeared, that they were living on a farm somewhere, so maybe Sammie’s there, too.

Anyway, in a recent Variety story, Streisand claimed that she has Sammie cloned after taking cells from her stomach and mouth—the dog’s, not Bab’s—before Sammie passed. And so now, Bab’s has three Coton du Tulears: Miss Fanny, a distant cousin of Sammie’s, and Miss Violet and Miss Scarlett, who are clones of the dead dog:

“They have different personalities. I’m waiting for them to get older so I can see if they have her [Samantha’s] brown eyes and seriousness.”

Luckily Bab’s is made of cash because it costs upwards of $50,000 to clone one dog.

I wonder what might happen if Streisand’s husband, James Brolin, goes to live on a farm one day; I mean, if Bab’s stays true to form there might be a couple of Brolin Clones walking about Malibu, and if she’s cool with it, I’ll take one.

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Last fall, Ryan Seacrest tried to get ahead of a #MeToo story wherein a former stylist had filed an ALLEGED sexual harassment complaint by apologizing while dubbing the ALLEGATIONS “reckless.” The E! channel then launched an internal investigation and concluded there was “insufficient evidence” to support the ALLEGATIONS against Seacrest.

That seemed to end the story until this week when the female … I was shocked, too … accuser stepped up to share the details.

Suzie Hardy worked as Seacrest’s stylist on E! News from 2007 to 2013 after his personal assistant found her; that same assistant then hinted that Seacrest was hard for Hardy and that’s when she ALLEGES that Seacrest started asking to help him all the time, even when she wasn’t needed; like the time he summoned her to his home to tie a tie for him. Then, while getting Seacrest ready for the 2007/2008 New Year’s Rocking Eve special, he ALLEGEDLY asked Hardy to take a nap with him.

Seriously? Naps and hugs? Was she his stylist or his Nana? But eventually, things got physical.  Hardy ALLEGES that in 2007, Ryan, wearing only his underwear … Underoos™? … wrapped her in a bear hug, something she claims he did quite often whilst wearing just his boy briefs. Hardy also claims Seacrest confronted her once and said:

“I just don’t think you’re attracted to me.”

And she replied:

“I’m attracted to my paycheck.”

In 2008, Seacrest ALLEGEDLY walked up behind Hardy, slipped his hand onto her crotch, and asked if she was going to sue him; she replied she wouldn’t if she remained employed.

That seems odd, but in addition to Hardy stepping forward, a former co-worker also claims to have seen evidence of Seacrest’s misbehavior. He says he saw Seacrest trip Hardy many times, and once saw him ALLEGEDLY push her head into his crotch while she tied his shoes. The co-worker also claims to have seen Seacrest, again in his underwear, rub his erect penis against Hardy after pushing her onto a hotel bed while preparing for the 2009 Oscars. He only stopping after that co-worker yelled at him to stop. Lastly, Hardy says that when she began dating a high-powered attorney, Seacrest ALLEGEDLY asked if she had “fucked him” yet while grabbing at her crotch.

In 2013, Human Resources from E! approached Hardy about relationship with Ryan and she swore there was nothing physical between the two, but that he had been inappropriate with her many times; two weeks later she was fired.

E! has released a statement saying that any claims questioning the legitimacy of their investigation are “baseless” and then Seacrest’s attorney went after Hardy, accusing her of lying and using the story to get $15 million from Seacrest.

Look, if Ryan Seacrest, wearing his Garanimal™ tried to rub a hard penis against me, I’d want $15 million and a Silkwood Scrubdown.

I need a bath just writing this …

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Someone should be careful about dogging anyone else’s films after starring in the misfire mother and playing a cartoon version of a cartoon Russian spy in Red Sparrow.

Amirite Jennifer Lawrence?

While out promoting her next disaster film—not to be confused with films about disasters—Lawrence appeared on Marc Maron’s WTF to dump all over Phantom Thread. JLaw loves couture fashion, but not films about couture fashion, I’m guessing. She says she tried to watch Phantom Thread but couldn’t make it past the first three minutes:

“I got through about three minutes of it. I put in a good solid three. I’m sorry to anybody who loved that movie. I couldn’t give that kind of time. It was three minutes and I was just [oof].”

Funny, I sat through a four-minute trailer for Red Sparrow before I said ‘oof’ and marked another minute off of Jennifer Lawqrence’s Fifteen Minutes of Fame.

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