Saturday, September 19, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

Boy, I guess Britney Spears really loves sloppy Seconds … Thirds … and Fourths.

It’s been just a couple of months since Britney ended things with Charlie Ebersol and it appears that now her handlers and hangers-on are ready to let her date again, and so they have chosen for her one Harry Morton.

The same Harry Morton that dipped his wick into the Lady Ponds of, ahem, get your tetanus shots ready, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Demi Moore.

Seriously, I need a Silkwood Scrubdown after that. Oh, but don’t feel sorry for Charlie Ebersol; he’s apparently nabbed himself Tiger Woods’ ex, Lindsey Vonn.


And since we mentioned Lohan, let’s talk Lindsay …

She was all set to attend the Toronto International Film Festival [TIFF] last week … oh not because she has a film up for consideration but because, well, parties and high rollers who love a Red Headed Call Girl Who Works For Cheap.

Anyway, according to a TIFF organizer, Lindsay couldn’t make it because “the timing did not work out for everyone to get to Toronto” which is basically saying Lindsay was too drunk or high … ALLEGEDLY … to get her ass on the plane, but perhaps the real reason LiLo isn’t in Canada is because Canada doesn’t really care for folks with criminal records waltzing into their country.

Good on Canada, but, well, maybe it wasn’t that she missed the flight, or that Canada doesn’t want her skank ass in their country or, maybe, it’s because Lohan had several; diva requests before she’d deign to touch down up north.

Rumor has it Lohan refused to fly to Toronto unless it was in first class, and her johns weren’t gonna cover that expense, so Lindsay stayed put at the brothel. I kid, she works the corner.

Anyway, Canada wins and wherever Lohan is now squatting loses.

Johnny Depp — who’s been dressing like a used car salesman from the 50s of late—is just so pissed off that Australia charged wife, Missus Amber Heard Depp, with dog smuggling and has threatened to beat up whatever authorities dared to treat his wife like a normal person.

I mean, it’s Amber Heard Depp; how normal can she be?

Nene Leakes quit the The Real Housewives of Atlanta saying she needed less drama, but apparently she just meant East Coats drama  because now she’s angling to get her ass on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

“I’d love to fight those girls a little bit. They need a brown girl, I promise. I’d love to do it.”

Oh honey, Lisa Vanderpump could take you down in one fell swoop, and do it while dressed head-to-toe in pink and carrying her dog Jiggy in one hand.

Sit down, Nene, your time on TV is nearing the end.

There have been lots of rumors that Tom Cruise’s ex-beard, er, wife, Katie Holmes has been dating Jamie Foxx, but that they keep it on the down low because Jamie doesn’t want to offend Tommy since they once did a movie together.
But this is ridiculous. Katie is ALLEGEDLY so in love with Jamie and will do anything to be near him, including putting on a wig and sunglasses as a disguise. And, remember, when she and Suri lived in NYC, Katie used a secret pathway from her apartment to a backroom at Whole Foods in order to avoid the paparazzi, and now she’s tripping them up by wearing masterful disguises when she goes to a hotel to, um, visit, Jamie Foxx.

Perhaps that’s how she escaped from Tommy’s house in the first place; she disguised herself as a floor lamp and mailed herself to New York?

Oh Demi Lovato, don’t say dumb things and then when you get called out for them pretend it was all a joke because the only people laughing are the ones laughing at you, m’kay?

See, Lovato was in Berlin recently and during a routine Q&A she was asked to describe her favorite dish and she replied:

“My favorite dish? I like mugs, because they’re very comfortable in your hand, and they hold hot things that you don’t have to touch. So, um, coffee, or hot tea.”

And then she said no more; no laugh; no giggle; no ‘I’m kidding,’ until the interview went viral and then she Tweeted that no one gets her sense of humor.

Um, maybe we will Demi, when you’re being funny and not being kinda dumb.

And speaking of dumb, let’s go back to L:ohan who Instagrammed this message about why she wasn’t going to Canada — read it more than once, and read it slowly, to understand her brilliance:

“they always come back. I love you NYC they always come back. I love you NYC #godblesstheworld #michaeljackson #rip miss you as my real only private friend. For you: god, for all hurts and wrongs, please let me forgive, Allah please let me be forgiven, and all forgive themselves. Please and thank you. (Someone I was with the night before several towers fell, it felt like not a curse, but more like a spell.. What we think in America is not always clear, we don’t have @peta commercials / you just kill deer….with this being said, I’m a girl with a reputation mislead… Like a diamond in the rough, you, now, for 25 years have seen me on TV and screen.. So i am programmed to stand tough. Black or white – in life, rather than love we create a fight of an ideal situation of an unexceptional, yet unacceptable future that @TMZ @Eonline @HarveylevinTMZ &#harveyweinstein ..couldn’t and wouldn’t even care to describe any thought of the people we forget to help when a franchise film comes out and, If money means more than freedom- than stay in California. If helping others is a passion, talk to angelina jolie… If you want to be a brilliant actress, work wth Meryl Streep …at the end of the day- republican or democrats — BE HERE NOW @oprah and live with integrity. Or go to sleep. The most beautiful life comes cheap. Stop fighting and using artists for distractions. It’s boring…  #UnitedNations”

So, did Canada keep her out because she’s a criminal or because she’s an illiterate twit?

Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

The newest sign that a couple is breaking up is The Moving Van. It used to be the Not Wearing The Wedding Ring, but since the Garner-Affleck’s used The Moving Van, and the excuse that they were remodeling, just days before announcing their divorce, it just might be Hollywood’s new go-to response.

And now it seems that Julia Roberts and her husband of thirteen years, Danny Moder, had The Moving Van at their home recently, so, yeah, divorce, because it couldn’t possibly be that they’re moving in or out of a house together, or that they’re just getting new furniture.

Some are saying that Julia is tired of paying the mortgage on Danny’s father’s house and so now she’s called The Moving Van. Yeah, Julia Roberts who has a net worth of upwards of $150 million is crying over a paltry mortgage payment. Call me when she stops wearing her wedding ring; I’m old school like that.

And speaking of divorces, let’s talk how Jessica Simpson now says that her biggest financial mistake was her divorce from Nick Lachey.

When the duo married, Nick was a hot boy bander with a promising career — that ultimately tanked — and Jessica was a so-so singer with little to no fame who now owns a billion dollar shoe design empire.

And that’s the deal; because when Lachey and Simpson wed, Jessica’ not-yet-openly-gay father, Joe, told her not to sign a pre-nup because Nick had all the cash. Then, when the divorce finally came it was Jessica who had the bank vault, and so she was the one who shelled out $12 million to lose Lachey.

This from a girl who didn’t know the difference between tuna and chicken? Oy.

So, maybe it was Blake Shelton and his drinking and partying that ruined his marriage to Miranda Lambert after all.

See, according to my source — and I toss a couple of coins at Lohan  for info — Blake has been drowning himself in booze, strippers, and group sex since his divorce and may soon be headed to rehab.

At a friend’s bachelor party weekend in Cancun, Mexico, a hotel guest claims that Shelton was “doing shots of tequila nonstop and partied with strippers all weekend.” And then, one night, Shelton and friends went to a local strip club called Dassan where he found two girls to take back to the hotel for a, um, private concert.

And so now Blake’s people — who rely on him for their income and want to keep making that Voice money — are urging him to seek help before they have to look for work elsewhere.

Maybe by getting Lohan ready for travel to Canada?


Hot Studs said...

Don't really care who Brit is dating, nor LiLo for that matter. It's their personal life.

anne marie in philly said...

bad garbage this week. have a good weekend!

mistress maddie said...

Oh dear. Divorce and moving vans seems to be everywhere! Well it is the change of season. Meanwhile maybe Lindsay and Blake could get together next!

Bob Slatten said...

What a grand idea! A double trainwreck!

Helen Lashbrook said...

I blame you Bob for leading me into bad ways; I'd never heard of Lohan before I read your blog. Now she's about the only one I have heard of!

the dogs' mother said...

Canada is still trying to make up for Justin Beiber...

Blobby said...

actually, Nene on RHWoBH would be ok with me. Someone needs to take down Kyle Richards.

Helen Lashbrook said... thought this article on Papa Mobile would interest you, as the views of the reporter coincide in many ways with your own.