Monday, February 23, 2015

Oscar Fashions: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly ... The Wax Travolta

THE VERY BEST
Julianna Moore looked like she’d already won the Oscar when she stepped on the carpet … full-on classic movie star.
THE BEST 
Emma Stone, because she follows no trends in silhouette or color or styling and still manages to bring it.

Rita Ora, who was set to perform, out-classed most of the actresses and many of the nominees.

Rosamund Pike because, well, at the Globes she was a trashy mess trying to show her post-pregnancy body, and at the SAGS she wore a dress that made her suddenly look pregnant again, and here she is hot and sleek and flowered.
THE VERY GOOD  [clockwise]
Scarlett Johansson, in a form-fitting post-pregnancy dress looking white hot, er green hot. But, if the neck-piece is a necklace, it would have been better a different color; if it was part of the dress, I’m feeling it.

Sienna Miller usually brings odd frumpy hippie gowns, but last she rocked a sexy Goth number. Comeback Kid!

Faith Hill. The Country Mouse came to the city and brought the glam.

Viola Davis is just plain regal … and fabulous.
THE GOOD  [clockwise]
Cate Blanchett kept in simple and basic black, with a gorgeous turquoise necklace. Eleganza!

Felicity Jones, in a dress a lot of folks loathed, but I thought was couture and glamorous and quite the way to say Hello Oscar!

Kerry Washington knows how to keep it simple and sleek and classy and elegant.
Lupita Nyong'o. Some people hated all the pearls—and I wondered how you sat on them—and some people hated the cut-out—me included—but she does bring fashion to the red carpet, as always.

Meryl Streep is simple and classic and Hollywood Royalty. No, no … that’s all.

Lady Gaga gets high marks for the gown because, while it was huge and over-the-top, it was also beautiful. But those dishwashing gloves knocked her down a peg.
THE MEH  [clockwise]
Anna Kendrick. I don’t know what she’s doing here. Isn’t there a school dance or something?

Dakota Johnson. I like the red; I like the jeweled strap. But when you do this one-strap kind of design, it always makes the boobs appear lopsided … unless, maybe they are lopsided?

Jennifer Aniston. It’s a pretty dress, but if you wanted to be nominated, and you worked to get nominated, and you didn’t get nominated, you should’a rocked something amazing. This didn’t do it.

Reese Witherspoon. The same silhouette, the same matte fabric, the same smug expression. I’m over her.

Patricia Arquette gets so close. Usually it’s great hair and jewels and bad clothes; last night it was a beautiful dress, but a really bad windblown hair-don’t.

JHud looks fabulous always, but this is kinda mousy. She should have worn her performance dress on the carpet because that was gorgeous.
THE BAD  [clockwise]
Jessica Chastain is usually so good, but last night the dress and the hair and the shoes said corporate wife at a dinner for Big Oil down in Houston.

Nicole Kidman. Same as Jessica. She’s usually edgy and couture, but this slip of a nothing with a red belt was a miss.

Oprah. Mother of the bride. Big Mother-effer of the bride. But the hair looks fabulous.

Zoe Saldana looks fine in the dress, but the strap and the tight corset reminded me of that old Playtex Cross Your Heart bra commercial. Just sayin’.
THE WORST  [clockwise]
Anna Wintour could have her pick of anything and she chose to wear ill-fitting roadkill?

Chrissy Teigen is a model, and apparently she’d like to be a vagina model in that dress. And enough with the Jolie Leg, ladies.

Keira Knightley is pregnant and so she wore a pretty little flowered number … with graffiti on it?

Margot Robie wore a statement necklace that once belonged to Wallis Simpson, and then she paired it with a sexy robe Joan Crawford wore in some movie from the 30s. I don’t get it.

JLo. It’s always too much fabric and too much boob with this one. I’d love to see her trey classy instead of cleavage. Plus, once she took her seat, the skirt flowed over about three other seats.

Chloë Grace Moretz in an “all right” dress, but when you shove your hands in the pockets you look a little like a tiny hunchback.
THE WTF  [clockwise]
Lorelei Linklater chose to skip the Goth look she usually rocks. Big mistake, because this mishmash of styles and fabrics is a d-i-saster.

Marion Cotillard loves the couture look, but why would a French woman wear a dress that makes her look like Quasimodo from behind?

Naomi Watts looks like she's wearing overalls over a tube top. It's the Oscars, dear, not a hoe-down.

Solange apparently figured too much fabric is a good thing. It’s not.
THE WORST OF ALL
Paltrow. We all know she gets her vagina steamed so it will open like a beautiful flower, but did she have to wear it on her shoulder? Is it being set out to dry?
THE BESTEST MAN
Chris Pine. He oozes hot. He oozes it so much that every time he appeared onscreen last night—which, thankfully, was often—I’d pause the TV and just stare. Carlos.Was.Not.Amused.
THE BEST MEN  [clockwise]
Chris Pratt is still rockin’ that Marvel body, which looks hot in a tux.

The other Chris, Chris Evans, is sexy as hell with the beard … and the good kind of beard, I might add.

Common. Uncommonly hot.

David Oyelowo never wears the boring black tuxedo, and so he’s always a winner.

Channing Tatum. Beefcake under Prada.

John Legend. He’s such a cutie pie, all dressed up like that.

Chiwetel Ejiofor in a classic tux, looking like a classic.

Bradley Cooper … just because.
THE STIFF MEN 
… AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY  [clockwise]
Is it me, or do Josh Hutcherson and Michael Keaton look like their tuxedos are a size too small. I’m afraid for a wardrobe malfunction if either one stretched too much.
THE WORST MEN  [clockwise]
Adrien Brody? I’m still waiting for that cocktail. You are the worst waiter ever!

Jared Leto. We get it; you’re kinda kooky with your fashion sense. But last night looked a little ill-fitting and kooky.

Kevin Hart. The tiniest man ever in the loudest suit ever.

Will.I.Am. He looks like a conductor on a prison railroad.
BEST ACCESSORIES
Hannah Bagshawe, with new hubby, and Oscar winner, Eddie Redmayne on her arm.

Sophie Hunter Cumberbatch’d her arm, too.

Aniston may not have gotten a nom, but she got a hot man … nom nom nom.
WORST ACCESORY
Kelly Preston with a life-sized wax figure of Liberace, The Early Years, on her arm. Why?

9 comments:

the dogs' mother said...

Great reporting as usual!

Susan said...

Jared Leto may view himself as someone with a kooky fashion sense; I view him as someone who desperately needs a makeover from head to toe!

Excellent blog piece, as always, Bob. :)

Mahogany Empress said...

Very nice recap of the Oscars. The Mistress said we'd enjoy your recap. I am right there with both of you on Felicity and Julianne. They by far blew the competition out. What a post!

mistress maddie said...

GREAT POST BOB!!!!!! I agree with most if not all your commentary!!! Why don't you look into replacing Joan for these award shows, then maybe I'd watch? And if you looked close, you'd see wax coming out Travolta's ears and joints. I also hope he kept the receipt for that awful rug. And has anyone seen Melanie's face????? She's looking for it!!!!!!

mistress maddie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Debbie said...

BOB! First LMAO ... Jessica Chastain is usually so good, but last night the dress and the hair and the shoes said corporate wife at a dinner for Big Oil down in Houston - (WHERE DOYOU COME UP WITH THESE LINES LOL!!!???)

Paltrow. We all know she gets her vagina steamed so it will open like a beautiful flower, but did she have to wear it on her shoulder? Is it being set out to dry? - YOU ARE SO BAD!! But I hate Paltrow so I love it.

AND THE ABSOLUTE BEST ...

Kelly Preston with a life-sized wax figure of Liberace, The Early Years, on her arm. Why?

OK - GOTTA REDIRECT MY READERS! THEY DESERVE A BRILLIANT APPRAISAL AND SOME GOOD LAUGHS TOO!
XOXO


Helen Lashbrook said...

Kelley Armstrong looks very uncomfortable standing next to that waxwork; perhaps she's afraid it will come alive?

Blobby said...

I liked Kidman's dress a lot. I like Collitard's too - from the front.

I think I've had Gwennie's pink rose on a Carvel birthday cake before.

Mark in DE said...

I agree with most of your comments (especially the men), but I have to disagree on Julianne Moore. While not an 'ugly' dress, to me it resembled a Project Runway unconventional materials challenge: make a red carpet gown from seashells!