“Welcome to Hollywood’s best and whitest …”
And so it began, with a nudge to the whitewashing of the Oscars by our host with the most, NPH. Luckily, he then shifted into showtune mode, with a nod to moving pictures, inserting himself into films he liked, and, well, sharing a bit of homoerotic subtext involving Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.
Anna Kendrick joined him onstage for a Cinderella moment, before Jack Black barged in, singing about the money and the big opening, and the mega “___”man movies, with cartoon character leads. He kept up the Scrooge until Kendrick tossed her Choo, her Jimmy Choo, at him. And then she spoils Gone Girl for the three people who haven’t seen it or read it.
NPH then talks grosses, and how of the eight nominated films, American Sniper has taken in the most box office — half the audience was the seven other films and Oprah was American Sniper … “Cuz you’re rich.”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: JK Simmons, Whiplash — he used to be the shrink on L&O:SVU, y’all! — and gave a great speech about calling your parents and telling them you love them.
NPH brings out the Magic Briefcase which house his Oscar Predictions and demands that Octavia Spencer not take her eyes off it … no bathroom breaks, no snacks. No snacks!
Adam Levine performed Best song nomination ‘Lost Stars’ from Begin Again and once again proved my point that he is hot in a tuxedo, and not hot with rolled up sleeves and tattoos exposed.
NPH on the Oscar gift-bag: “It holds $160, 0000 in merchandise and an armored car ride to safety when the revolution comes.”
JLo — and her breasts, and her circus tent of a dress appeared. Luckily, they appeared alongside Chris Pine so I didn’t even see her any longer. Gosh, he is just so dreamy.
ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Wes Anderson, who directed GBH, is so dorky cute in his plaid shirt and bow-tie, though the best moment was when, while walking off-stage, someone stepped on JLo’s eighty-foot train and she shot such a look at the poor girl. Diva don’t play, bitches.
“Reese. You can eat her With Her Spoon.”
ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP AND HAIR STYLES: The Grand Budapest Hotel … a visual feast for the eyes, that movie.
“Channing Tatum. He’s the real deal, pants down, Hands down. Did I say pants down?”
Channing looked a little tipsy if you ask me, but still, hot’n’tipsy you know.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Ida from Poland. The director Pawel Pawlikowski talks so long, so rambling; he gets played off by the music, than gets played back on!
Shirley MacLaine, looking more like Liza with a Z in one of Judy's old wigs introduced film clips, and we get a shot of Michael Keaton working a piece of Juicy Fruit like sit’s no one’s business. Seriously, Mike. Enough with the gum; you’re not Jack Nicholson, no matter how hard you try.
Sidenote: At this point there was a Cadillac commercial, and Carlos looked at me and said, “Is that edit peel?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Edit.Peel. Is that edit peel singing?”
Do you mean Edith Piaf?”
“I am so over that accent of yours.”
Meanwhile … onstage … Marion Cotillard introduced best song nominee ‘Everything is Awesome’ from The Lego Movie; it’s this year’s ‘Happy’ moment, though I loved that they passed out Lego Oscars!
LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: The Phone Call
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT FILM: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1. The winner wore a dress with giant balls on it — NPH: “It takes balls to wear that dress.” — and read off her children’s name before dedicating the win to her own son, a veteran, who committed suicide. Next time remember the important story first.
Viola Davis. Gosh I love her.
NPH gets David Oyelowo to read the punchline of a joke because it doesn’t sound so mean with an English accent; it also didn’t sound funny. The funniest bit was when NPH introduced Oyelowo, not nominated for Selma because of the whitewash, and as the applause began, he said, “Sure, now you like him.”
Oprah was not amused, which amused me all the more.
Paltrow carried that ginormous rose out onstage to introduce ‘her friend’ Tim McGraw who say, “I’m Not Gonna Miss You’ from Glen Campbell … I’ll be Me. Does anyone else notice how whenever Paltrow introduces someone they’re always her ‘friend’? Bitch, please. I did notice that McGraw looks hotter wearing the hat; he appeared without it on the carpet and I almost didn't recognize him!
But then the best part …. NPH in tighty whities … hot in tighty whities … funny in tighty whities. To quote the Divine Miss M: he looks good!
Chris Evans came out with Sienna Miller. Didn’t see her because he’s too hot.
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING: American Sniper.
Jared Leto in that ridiculous suit — though it matched his gorgeous eyes when I saw it up close — presented the Best Supporting Actress award, though he began by saying: “They are four women, plus, in accordance with California state law: Meryl Streep.”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood. A rambling, read from a sheet of binder paper, speech, though she nailed it at the end with a call for equal rights, and equal pay, for women, causing Meryl to hold up a sign that said “Union Now!” or something like that.
Rita Ora — looking absolutely gorgeous in a different dress — sings ‘Grateful’ from Beyond the Light. I’d never heard it before, but it was a beautiful song.
ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS: Interstellar. But the big question was who’s the guy in the scarf, standing in the back rifling through his papers? No, really.
Kevin Hart. He’s short and annoying, like a yappy little dog. I could do with a long break from seeing him in ugly suits on my awards shows, m’kay, Awards Show People?
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM: Feast
The Rock … okay, Dwayne Johnson … present with Zoe Saldana and, well, awkward Oscar Joke #5871
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: Big Hero 6 … there were five others?
Chris Pratt. I haven’t really been feeling him, what with his hot new body and all, but, yeah, last night I got it.
ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN: The Grand Budapest Hotel
And then we got Elba. Idris Elba. Smooth, tall, dark, handsome, British … where was I?
ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY: Birdman
Meryl Streep introduced the In Memoriam segment because … why would you give that to Meryl? And, moreover, why did you leave out Joan Rivers, Oscar? That was an insult.
Luckily, Jennifer Hudson came out to sing and, as usual, was freakin’ amazing so I kinda forgot about the Rivers Snub.
ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING: Whiplash
Terrence Howard introduced clips from Whiplash, The Imitation Game and Selma and was a drunken, incoherent — he said he was overcome … by vodka — mess.
Two Snubs: Jennifer Aniston and David Oyelowo …
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Citizen Four.
Sidenote: One of the nominees was Finding Vivian Maier, about a nanny with a camera. I’ve seen it; it’s amazing; look for it. It should have won.
NPH: “The subject of Citizen Four, Edward Snowden couldn’t be here tonight for some treason.”
Common and John Legend perform ‘Glory’ from Selma and bring the house down and the audience to its feet. it was a truly great performance. Lots of tears — though Oprah's were fake, I’m sure of it. Chris Pine was even weeping and I stopped the DVR to ask if I could hold him.
NPH: “Benedict Cumberbatch. The sound you get when you ask John Travolta to pronounce Ben Affleck.”
Idina Menzel brings out Glom Gazingo, AKA John Travolta, and he gets her name right this time, although he goes all creepy old closeted gay man who’d rather be in a steamroom with a hot masseur, when he starts groping Idina and grabbing her face.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG: ‘Glory’
Common gives another great acceptance speech talking about equality, and including the LGBT community in that march for equal rights.
ScarJo, rocking the hottest post-pregnancy body in the history of post-pregnancy bodies, gives us Lady Gaga singing a medley from The Sound of Music because that film is fifty years old and because there’s a need to make the Oscars the longest awards show in history. But Gaga was really good, if a tad overly dramatic with the arm flourishes, and then screams erupt when Julia Andrews walks out. And not just screams from my couch, but from inside the theater!
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Alexander Desplat, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Eddie Murphy, continuing his SNL 40th Birthday Bash Scowl Parade.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Birdman
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Nicolas Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris and Armando Bo. Dinelaris thanked his dog Larry. Tuxedo.Was.Not.Amused.
Oprah strolls out … meh … Bob.Was.Not.Amused.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: The Imitation Game
Graham Moore, the winner, talks about how Alan Turing was never recognized for his work like he was last night, and then gave a great speech about attempting suicide at sixteen because he was ‘different … and now look at me.’ He urged those young people out there who feel different, to stay different, and when they get their big chance like his, pass the message along to the next generation of different wand weird kids. There was all kinds of talk — at my house and on the web — that Moore is gay; he isn’t. He was just a weird and different straight kid who never felt like he belonged.
NPH, bringing out Ben Affleck, with whom he work on “Gone Girl, or as it was supposed to be called, Bitches Be Trippin’, Yo.”
BEST DIRECTOR: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu for Birdman
There's somethging about the way he talks, the words he uses ... I can't place it, but I find it so hot.
Cate Blanchett ends her reign as Best Actress of 2104, by presenting …
BEST ACTOR: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything. Totes adorbs; geeky and funny and cute. he was so delicious in Les Miz, and has that fabulous accent ... and is such a Hot Gay Nerd , except he's not gay. Sigh.
Matthew McConaughey — thankfully ending his reign — presents…
BEST ACTRESS: Julianne Moore, Still Alice. It’s about time she won an Oscar. Seriously. I cannot remember seeing her in a film where I wasn’t blown away by her; ever. She was even great playing twins — one good, one evil — on As The World Turns.
And so we get to the finale … finally … though before we do, NPH opens the Prediction Briefcase and, well, rather than being a list of the winners, it’s a list of all the highlights — Chris Pine? No Chris Pine? — and lowlights — Terrence Howard — of the show.
We’ll never know because Sean Penn presents … BEST PICTURE to … Wait. What did he say? As he was set to announce Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, he muttered "Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?"
WTF? Luckily, after the show, Inarritu said:
“I found it hilarious. Sean and I had that kind of brutal relationship where only true friendship can survive. When I was directing him in '21 Grams,’ he was always making jokes … I made a lot of very tough jokes (to him) that I will not tell you.”
Okay … carry on …
BEST PICTURE: Birdman, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
He gave a great speech about working to remove corruption from the Mexican government, and honoring all the immigrants for making America a great immigrant country.
And … scene. Nearly four hours long. High points were NPH in his drawers, and some of his better jokes. Low lights? I already mentioned Terrence, and Travolta’s groping.
I liked the show, didn’t love it, then realized the show can never be too irreverent or cutting edge or just plain entertaining because, unlike the Tonys or the Grammys or the Globes, SAGS, Emmys, whatever, the Oscars takes itself so seriously.
Lighten up, I say, though only in tone, and stop being so white with the nominations, eh?