Friday, November 20, 2009

Ding! Dong! The Witch Is.....Yada Yada Yada

Yes, folks. She cried. Holding back tears, Oprah Winfrey told her studio audience this morning that she is going to take her bloated sense of self, I mean, her show, off the airwaves in September 2011. Speaking for the airwaves, I say, Whoooooooooooosh!

Oprah said she had given much prayer to the thought of ending her show, and I say, Me too. Honey, I been praying since before your hair went all Patti Labelle on us in the 90s. I was praying before you dragged out the wagon'o'fat. I was praying....okay, I've been praying for this a lot.

Now, before you get all, Ooh, I'ma miss Oprah on me, let me remind you that Miss Thang-and-a-half will debut her own cable network [called OWN because she OWNs it] just a few months after she signs off regular TV, so don't think she's going away. She ain't. Her head's too big for that. Not to mention her.....oh, that's just too easy.

The Big O said that she intends on producing the best possible shows during her last 18 months on the air. Which is Oprah-speak for, I'ma give you a year-and-a-half of my greatness, so stop watching Ellen til I'm done.

Sorry, O, your ratings are down, your magazine is slipping, and you're suddenly quitting. Channeling Dana Carvey's Church Lady, I say, Well, isn't that convveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient?

Buh-bye, Oprah, and take your brand of self-congratulating, ego massaging, puff piece interviews, and yo-yo weight gain with you. And toss Dr Phil, and Rachel Ray, and Dr Oz, in the trash on your way out. They're done, too.

I, for one...and I think there are more of us.....will only miss the joy I get from making sport of everything you are, and aren't.


frogponder said...

Rest up - then you can take on her entire channel - OWN. I used to watch it when the kids were small. I remember thinking how many 'ah-ha!' moments can one woman have?

Stephen said...

I suffered through the Big O's show on Wednesday, just to see the cast of NINE. Daniel Day Lewis is one of my favorite lovers.

Anonymous said...

From the song "Man, I'm Glad I'm a Man". The first part of the lyrics:

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Mark in DE said...

It must be difficult and painful to have more money than you can possibly spend and yet STILL not be happy.

Anonymous said...

I am still waiting for the day when Ms. O will build a school for those "girls" in her own backyard in need of education. Working in SC as an outreach peer, I have seen the desperate need that a lot of these children (boys and girls) have for a good chance in life to stay out of trouble rather than ending up in the juvenile system. Maybe Ms. O and the Donald could bring their egos together for this noble enterprise.... As MLK Jr. said: I still have a dream.....
Carlos (the other one)

jadedj said...

Oh oh oh O. You are correct, don't believe a damned word of it.

Love that drawing!

And, and, and LMFAO at "Honey, I been praying since before your hair went all Patti Labelle on us in the 90s. I was praying before you dragged out the wagon'o'fat."

Mike, Studio city said...

Well all I can say is, I like Bonnie Hunt. She keeps it simple and after all it's just a talk show.

Miss Ginger Grant said...

The Oprah Network... what a yawn. It can be Channel 1998, right next to Channel 1997, the SPN- the Sarah Palin Network. No one care about here, either! Or NGN- the Nancy Grace Network! Goodnight, friends!

Dan said...

Oh, where to begin, I can not believe how you are bashing the most amazing person on tv so blatantly! LOL!!!!!

On behalf of the city of Chicago, beat it bitch! There are more of us dancing in the streets about his than the media wants you to know.

Kyle said...

Oprah, Oprah who? A great "Bob" send-off.

Dean Sanderson said...

it will be interesting to see if the network Oprah is leaving will be able to find anyone to fill her shoes