It's Snarkurday!

Remember when Mariah Carey was big? Oh, I don’t mean big like in hips and boobs and ass squeezed into a sequined sausage casing, I mean big as in a big pop star? Yeah; now? Not so much.

See, Mimi’s latest gig, other than taking up residency in Vegas to sing nasty songs about her future ex-husband and Baby Daddy, Mariah Carey is actually singing for Wal-Mart at their annual shareholders.

Oh how the mighty have fallen, but at least it explains that earth-shattering thud.

So, after those adorable pictures of Chris Brown showing off his baby daughter — by that one night stand Lifetime Paycheck … at least I think that’s the Baby Mama’s name — appeared, it seemed Brownie had changed; nope.

Chrissy is still hung up on Karrueche Tran, the girlfriend who dumped his ass when she found out he knocked up that one night stand, I’ll Never Have To Work Again — at least I think that’s the Baby Mama’s name — and last week Brown ended up outside Tran’s house getting into a shrieking match. Wigs were removed, stilletos were tossed aside, earrings taken out; and I think Karrueche did the same thing.

It all started when Brown showed up to a club where he knew Karrueche would be, and then settled into a VIP table right next to hers; no explanation as to how Tran got a VIP table because she isn’t boning another rapper yet. Anyway, she … and by she, I mean Karrueche … wasn’t having it so she up and left, and that’s when Chrissy followed her outside, and pushed his way into a car with Tran and her friends. Sadly, though, he didn’t get too far, because Tran dumped him off on a sidestreet and drove away.

And yet it still wasn’t over. Chris made his way to Tran’s house at about 3AM and began screaming like a lunatic; I’d heard he was channeling Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls and shrieking “And I’m Telling You [I’m Not Going]” but that may be a falsehood.

Karrueche called the police, who showed up and didn’t charge Brown with anything because yelling at your former girlfriend in the street at 3AM in LA is not a crime. But Karrueche then agreed to go with Chris to a diner, where he continued to scream at her, so she left again … and, last we heard Chrissy was still in JHud drag, searching the streets of LA for his former girlfriend.

Maybe Karrueche should set her sights on rapper Chet Haze, who keeps making the news because he loves loves loves throwing around the n-word, calling it, ahem, “the beautiful n-word.” Apparently he wants to be taken seriously as a rapper, so he uses the n-word rather than having any discernible talent.

Oh, but he has rapper ego. Chet’s been in London for a week or so and really left his mark there after ALLEGEDLY throwing a tantrum and trashing his hotel room because three women would not have sex with him and did not have any cocaine to give him.

British detectives are now on the hunt for Haze, claiming he caused £1,200 worth of damage — roughly $1800 American bucks — by shattering all the crystal in the room and ripping a TV set from the wall.

A source — and it could be Lohan because she’s off probation and partying legally again — says:

“He was pretty obnoxious once he started drinking … He kept saying ‘do you know who I am?’ … Nobody recognized him. He then went back to the hotel with a British actor friend and three female promoters … He asked the girls if they would join him in the bed, but they are not like that. So he started screaming and making a right noise. He saw some sprinkled make-up called banana powder and started asking ‘who’s got the coke?’ But nobody did drugs there. Then he started shouting that he was not going to share it with another man.”

Let the smashing and trashing commence.

Oh, and yeah, there’s this: Chet Haze is a made-up name because he’s really Chester Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, who must be so proud.

As news of Haze’s spree went worldwide, Chester called the claims “a slanderous bold-faced lie” and threatened the “full force of my legal team” … meaning, “Wait till I tell my Daddy.”

When you hire JLo to perform at your event, you should know what you’re going to get … ass-shaking, skimpy costumes, lip-syncing. I mean, that’s her talent career.

But it also might be her downfall, at least in Morocco. See, Jell-O — as Carlos calls her — performed at the Mawazine World Rhythms International Music Festival in Morocco last month — and the show aired live on Moroccan television — and did what she does: ass, sequins, sync. But many of the people, including an unnamed “educational group” were highly offended and have called for the resignation of Morocco’s minister of communications for allowing Jell-O to strut and strip and shimmy and shake and not sing on public TV. The minister won’t resign, but is meeting with the “ethics committee,” because he doesn’t think it was right for JLo’s ass to appear on Moroccan TV.

In addition, this unnamed “educational group” is now suing the promoter claiming that Jell-O “disturbed public order and tarnished women’s honor and respect.”

Uh oh. This sounds serious; I mean, if she disturbed the public order, maybe in addition to stripping and shimmying and shaking that ass she actually did sing live??!!?

And, if Jell-O is found guilty — and let’s be clear, she won’t be — she could be thrown into prison for 1 month to 2 years.

Wouldn’t that be nice, though?

Kate Moss has been modeling for decades — I think she started when she was three — and she has been a hot mess most of that time.

It seems that CoKate was flying with Easy Jet, a budget Brit airline — which means the modeling career may be winding down — over the weekend when she got a little wild and had to be forcibly removed upon landing. The flight — from Turkey to London — turned rocky when Kate demanded alcohol and was refused; she then reached into her carry-on and took out her own bottle of vodka.

And that’s when the airline said, “Oh hell no,” and radioed ahead to have air marshals take the hard-partying model off the plane by force.

And, as she was being dragged out of Budget First Class, Kate turned to the flight attendant and called her a “basic bitch”.

Not your superior bitch like Kate, I’m guessing.

In Grumpy Old Man News … Clint Eastwood, last seen talking to a chair at the Republican national Convention, has proved once again that he should not be allowed to speak in public.

Last Saturday night, while introducing Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at the Spike TV Guys’ Choice 2015 awards ceremony, Eastwood compared the honoree to other former athletes such as “Jim Brown and Caitlyn somebody…”

But the audience, instead of laughing, because the joke wasn’t a joke and wasn’t funny, groaned, and then Grampa Clint said that he knew the joke wouldn’t work when he brought it up to the show’s producers.

Ya think? The joke — such as it wasn’t — will be cut from the show when it airs on June 18. Sadly, that means we’re left with Grampa Clint talking to, well, a chair?

I kinda don’t like Beyoncé because I get the impression that she thinks because she’s Beyoncé everyone wants to know everything she’s doing, when and how. And maybe some do, but now, after her spot on Good Morning America this week, maybe more people will be less likely to hang on her ever windblown word.

See, the Beyhive into a frenzy this week when it was revealed that Beyoncé would appear on GMA with a big announcement that everyone would love. 

New music? A tour? Another baby? Better weaves?

Um, no. Beyoncé just wanted to talk about being a part-time vegan, and how she was whoring  Marco Borges’  vegan diet book, The 22-Day Revolution, which she has already whored out before.

Yeah, it was an infomercial. And her fans went ballistic, crying foul, and basically saying it was just Beyoncé sitting on her rooftop telling the world that everyone is fat and needs her help.

Grrl, please, take a seat.

Shortbite:

It doesn’t pay to be George Clooney these days. In fact, if the receipts from his latest film, Tomorrowland, are any indication, it costs to be Clooney … $140 million to be exact.

That’s the amount that his last film is expected to lose, and coming on the heels of The Monuments Men flop, well, Clooney may not be as bankable as he had been.

I don’t think I could tell a Carolina Herrera design from a Zac Posen … or a Dior … or a Balenciaga — well, maybe Balenciaga — but I gotta say, I loves me some Carolina Herrera quotes.

She is not having this naked trend in designer clothes and threw all kinds of shade at Beyoncé and JLo and Kim Kardastrophe, and their designers, for perpetuating the trend.

“It’s so modern to be naked or almost naked. They think it’s going to attract younger people if they do those dresses. No! The almost naked! Oh God! They’re trying to get people to pay attention to them. In life, there should be a little mystery.”

Herrera then dished on Beyoncé’s bedazzled mosquito netting, and JLo’s red beaded gown that was all front and back and no sides, and Kim Kardashian with a train of white feathers trailing from a derriere served up for admiration.

“They’re supposed to be fashion icons and they’re not wearing anything. It’s an obsession now.”

The Empresses have no clothes and Herrera ain't playin'..

We don’t hear a lot from Charlie Sheen any more, which is a good thing, to be sure, but every so often, he goes off the rails, so to speak.

It seems Charlie had a medical emergency Monday night and paramedics were called to his home after getting a call from his handlers that he was suffering from “food poisoning.”

Food poisoning?

Charlie’s people called the fire department directly at around 11:00 PM Monday, which is kinda odd considering most folks would call 911 directly, but then 911 records their calls so, yeah, there’s that. But his people say it was nothing more than a really, really bad case of food poisoning and Charlie was treated for “dehydration” at the hospital and then sent home, and all’s well that ends well.

Don’t.Do.Drugs. And ... shooting star … The More You Know …