It's Snarkurday!

So … Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, former child-stars-turned-fashion-designers; don’t ask me which is which, because I neither know, nor care. I mean, they’re both a couple of teensy Troll dolls clad in Matching Magic Goth Capes with hair of straw and faces of stone, so how am I supposed to know who’s who? But I do know they do not like to be kept waiting, least of all by former pop-star-turned-fashion-designer, Posh Spice, er, Victoria Beckham.

At the Council of Fashion Designers of America awards [CFDAs] the other night the matched set of Troll dolls were on the carpet with Posh, when one of them … who knows which one … turned her back to the camera, and gave the hand, and then whispered to the other one, and then they both side-stepped, goose-stepped, kick-ball-changed, down the carpet and went home to the bridge under which they reside.

Was it Posh? Or something more ominous? Maybe someone asked why they weren’t gonna do the Full House reboot. Or maybe someone asked when they were gonna get clothes that fit?

Tiny Troll Divas.

Speaking of which ... I’ve decided to have my sense of smell removed, and I’m blaming Dior … and Johnny Depp.

See, the House of Dior has announced that Johnny Depp is the face of a new men’s fragrance to be unveiled in September.

I’m already imagining it smells like an unwashed rock-and-roll neck scarf, dripping with sweat, weed, and animal excrement … with a soupcon of testicle perspiration. Or maybe it’s potato salad left out in the July sun for eight hours, with a hint of cat litter box and, well, Amber heard.

Whatever it is, it won’t be strong enough to actually mask the smell of the real Johnny Depp.

Just sayin’.

Shortbite:

Lindsay Lohan is finally off probation — and the world quivers in fear — and decided the best way to celebrate was to fly to Venice, Italy and start drinking.

Then she hijacked a gondola, scored an eight-ball, broke into a jewelry store and crashed into a group of nuns touring the city.

Well, it’s Lohan, so that could have happened, right?

Speaking of Lohan, let’s talk Kim Richards, AKA Lindsay in twenty years. First up, the back story:

Kim, like Lohan, is a serial rehabber, having been in rehab at least four times.

Kim was, according to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sources — i.e. the crew — drunk a great deal of time.

Kim’s “co-stars” worried that she was drinking and drugging again.

Kim was arrested for being a drunken hot mess in public.

Kim went on “Dr.” Phil and denied she has a substance abuse problem and refused his offer of free rehab.

Kim finally went to a rehab that was like the Four Seasons, so she could come and go at will, and attend her daughter’s wedding weekend in Mexico.

Kim went to the wedding and was ALLEGEDLY drunk and disorderly to the point where the bride and groom snubbed her and her sober coach quit.

Kim then decided she’d had enough rehab and never went back to treatment.

And that’s where the trouble brews:

By agreeing to rehab, Kim was told that she would not only get a very lenient plea deal and avoid jail time, but she would also be able to return next season to RHoBH.

So, now it looks like she might do jail time — though possibly on the Lohan 84-Minutes In Jail plan — and will most likely be fired from RHoBH.

And then she’ll probably decide to celebrate by flying to Venice, Italy and start drinking, and then hijack a gondola, score a box of wine, break into a hotel bar, and beat up a group of nuns touring the city.

Just sayin’.

So, after testifying that he didn’t mean to pull a switchblade out of his pocket, flip it open, and slice into the skin of a 25-year-old guy during a bar fight, Saved By The Bell has been Dustin ‘Screech’ Diamond has been found not guilty of stabbing the guy.

But, he was found guilty of recklessly endangering public safety — and, no, not for Saved By The Bell — and was also found guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, which means he could face up to 9 months in jail.

Note to Dustin: in the Big House, Screech will less a nickname, and more the sound you make in the showers when Bubba walks in with hand lotion and a ginormous loofah and wants to scrub your back.

Shortbite:

Taylor Swift wants y’all to know she is not ‘overtly’ sexual:

“It’s fine. I’ve accepted it. I’m a lot of things. Overtly sexy is not one of them. I’m fine. I’m fine with all the other things I am.”

Thanks Tay-tay, but, um, yeah, we already knew that.

Let’s end with funny … and snarky, of course:

This past week, glorified cook Bobby Flay, who is in the midst of a very ugly divorce from his wife, former Law & Order: SVU actress, Stephanie March, got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Who knows why a cook is a Hollywood star but that isn’t the story …

In the middle of his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony, a plane flew overhead with one of those banners trailing behind it that read:

“Cheater.”

No word on whether it was March … and no word on whether it was actress January Jones whom, in the Flay-March divorce papers were listed by Stephanie March as being just one of the women Flay schtupped during their marriage.

Love.It.