The Funny Papers

Bill Day, George Danby, Deb Milbrath, Clay Bennett, Michael de Adder, David Horsey, Pedro X. Molina, JD Crowe, Jack Ohman, Nick Anderson, Ed Wexler, Ann Telnaes, Christopher Weyant, Dave Whamond,

Why Is It ...

… that everyone needs to know that you don’t come to my house unannounced because I will just stare at you from my window.

… that when it’s nearly midnight and I remember that the sheets and duvet cover are still in the dryer, I think it’d be easier just to book a hotel for the night?

… that no one wants to rehome me. I mean, I’m tired of adulting and I’m housebroken, so what’s the issue?

… that I can be social for like three minutes but then I don’t wanna talk to anyone for four days?

… that people who tell me that I need to relax don’t know that the best I can do is dissociate?

… that my favorite colors are Black. Dark Black. Pitch Black. Pastel Black, Light Black. And Faded Black. Is it because they match my mood?

… that people often mistake me for an adult? Is it because of my age?

I Didn't Say It ...

Maria Shriver, journalist, reacting to Buttker’s speech:

“I’m happy for Mr. Butker’s wife, Isabelle, that she’s happy in her chosen vocation/ Good for her. But she should let her husband know that not all women can make that choice, even if they wanted to. Most families can’t get by without both parents working/ It’s a luxury to get the choice she has gotten. The vast majority of women have to put food on the table, while also raising kids, caring for aging parents, running companies, running for office to give us a better world … the list goes on! And men, well, are they really the ones who set the tone for the culture? Can we not all set the tone for the future? Women, men, gay, straight—of course we can! I will not tell Mr. Butker to stick to kicking but I would suggest next time he speaks to women first and listens to someone with a clearer take on where most women find themselves in 2024.”

Sadly, men like Butker don’t listen … especially to women. But he can live the life he wants, and have the kind of wife he wants, but he cannot say that women need to strive to be married and have children because that’s their truth.

The truth is that Butker is a professional athlete and a lot of professional athletes cheat on their wives with other women, and perhaps in Butker’s case, other men. So, when he decides to dump his stay-at-home-raise-my-children-do-as-I-say wife to get with his latest piece, know that since you wanted her never to work, that you will be talking care of her financially for the rest of her life and yet will no longer have any say in how she lives that life.

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Lindsey Graham, South Carolina's GOP Senator and former Miss Cotton-Tail 1973, on Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito flying an upside-down American flag at his house following the insurrection at the US Capitol:

“I don’t know what role―he said his wife was insulted and got mad―I assume that be true, but he’s still a Supreme Court justice. And, you know, people have to realize that moments like that, to think it through.”

Alito and 'think it through'? Not ever happening. And, like any good rightwingnut, Alito blamed his wife for putting up the flag after a dispute with neighbors over “insulting language” on yard signs. Yeah, Mrs. Alito climbed a ladder to the second floor of their house and hung that flag.

Fuck off, Sammy.

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Patrick Mahomes, Butker’s Kansas City Chiefs teammate, giving a toast at the Time100 Gala:

"I'd like to raise a glass to a new era in sports. A era where women's sports is getting the attention it deserves. The real reason you should care about women's sports is because they're incredible. The talent, the narratives, the personalities in women's sports has it all and I think people are finally starting to figure that out. The women's NCAA championship was ESPNs most viewed college basketball game ever. I'm proud of the part my family has played in this movement. As a co-owner of the Kansas City Current, my wife, Brittany, is working hard to grow women's soccer and broaden the path for young athletes, like our daughter."

Luckily, Patrick’s wife didn’t marry Butker because then she wouldn’t be working in women’s sports, she’d be baking cookies and teaching her daughter that she’s less than men.

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Junior, responding questions about why his Daddy chickened out on testifying after saying that he “absolutely” would multiple times:

“Why would you justify this insanity? Look at the clowns that they put on there—you don’t subject yourself to that nonsense. You are going into a kangaroo court. There’s nothing more. Nothing less. There’d be absolutely no reason, no justification to do that whatsoever.”

Sure there is you coke-addled dimwit: you do it because the truth is on your side.

Unless it’s not. Then you chicken out.

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Laura Ingraham, on Harrison Butker’s misogynistic speech:

“Harrison Butker decided to use this occasion to say something that mattered. Doing what the left pretends to support, speaking his truth. Now it’s easy to forget, in our social media obsessed, materialistic world, we all fall into it, including myself, … that Heaven is really what we as Christians should be striving for here on earth. It’s certainly easy to understand why his comments made certain people very uncomfortable because they believe it’s enough to glide through life with glib references to ‘equity and inclusion’ and ‘I’m spiritual, but not religious,’ but some of them are among the most intolerant people on the planet. The powers that be here mean to make an example out of people like Harrison Butker and Riley Gaines. Dare to challenge their twisted worldview, where men can be women, and mothers and fathers are fungible, and they will try to denigrate you, isolate you, cancel you and ultimately silence you completely. Be not afraid. At a time, though, when woke secularists dominate media, corporate America, Hollywood, and most universities, being a public witness to your Christian faith? Now that takes courage because speaking out may actually mean that you lose everything.”

Oh Laura, how dumb are you? If you lived in Butker’s world you’d be at home and birthing  babies rather than at work birthing stupidity.

Don’t forget that Eva Braun, er, Laura Ingraham famously told NBA superstar Lebron James in 2018 to “shut up and dribble” after he had the audacity to criticize Hair Furor.

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Jamie Raskin, Maryland Democrat Representative, on Justice Alito being compromised and unfit to be a Supreme Court Justice:

“Justice Alito turned the flag upside down. [Hair Furor] turned the Bible upside down. MAGA turned the capitol upside down. The Roberts Court turned the Constitution upside down. Let’s set America right side up in November.”

November … Roevember … Joevember. Vote Blue.

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Nikki Haley, pandering GOP hag, has said she will vote for Hair Furor in November:

“I put my priorities on a president who’s going to have the backs of our allies and hold our enemies to account who would secure the border. [Hair Furor] has not been perfect on these policies. I’ve made that clear many, many times. But Biden has been a catastrophe, so I will be voting for [Hair Furor].”

This is the same Haley who said she’d never run against Hair Furor, and then did.

This is the same Haley who called him the worst idea for president in 2016—and even voted for Marco Rubio—but then ran to Hair Furor’s White House for a job.

This is the same Haly who said, just two months ago:

“I have no need to kiss the ring. I have no fear of retribution. I’m not worried about my political future.”

But she really wants that VP slot so, while she said she won’t kiss his ring, she clearly kissed the ... and I apologize in advance for this ... ring around his anus.

And, perhaps more importantly, she gave the middle finger to all those people around the country who voted for her even after she left the race.

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Eddie Vedder, lead vocalist for Pearl Jam, on “kicker” Harrison Butler’s commencement speech:

“He was telling men, ‘Don’t forget to puff up your chest and be more masculine. Don’t lose your masculinity.’ The irony is that when he was saying that he looked like such a pussy. There’s nothing more masculine than a strong man supporting a strong woman. People of quality do not fear equality.”

 Word. It’s just that simple.

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Jason Hackett, a Minnesota news anchor, coming out live on air after 13 years as a journalist:

"For people that really know me—my friends, my coworkers, some members of my family—this isn't some huge surprise. I've been living in a glass closet for the most part, but now I wanted to let you out there, the viewers out there that wake up with me every morning to know a little bit more about me. [In] sixth grade is when I realized, 'Wait a minute, I think I’m different.' There was a kid at a bus stop every day after school when I was waiting and I always used to stare at him and be like, 'Wow, there’s something about him that I really like. I don’t know what it is, but I really, really like something about him, 'and I think it dawned on me somewhere around fifth or sixth grade that, 'Wait a minute, I think I’m gay.' It’d be nice to think that after this story is published and after my story is told that there is another young, gay, black, or anybody of color kid out there that is like, 'Wow, he is being his authentic self and he’s not getting killed for it, he’s not getting criticized for it. He’s being his authentic self, and maybe I can also be my authentic self, maybe I can also live my truth, just like Jason is.' What me and ... everyone here on Sunrise strive for is authenticity. And I can't preach that without being my authentic self and for anyone that is watching this now who is struggling to find acceptance or struggling with their family or their friends, take it from me, a gay, Black son of immigrants, the road may not be easy. I won't lie to you and say that it is. But don't worry. Keep going. You're gonna make it."

Welcome Out, Jason, and please accept as our gift from HOMO HQ, a Copy of The Gay Agenda and the Official Coming Out Toaster Oven™.

Your words, and your actions, will definitely make it easier for other young people of color to come out and live their truth and their happiness.

Welcome out!

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Bobservations

We don’t use a lot of sugar at Casa Bob y Carlos … a wee bit in the tea pitcher, and maybe some when Carlos bakes, but that’s about it. I use Agave in my coffee each morning and we buy it at CostCo where you can get two jars cheaper than at the grocers.

Last week, we’d made plans to hit CostCo on Saturday, but then I ran out of Agave on Thursday and as the childish, er, child-like, one in the house I pitched a hissy. I grabbed the empty bottle and shouted:

“There’s no Agave! There’s no Agave!”

I tapped the table with the empty bottle repeating myself, and Carlos swiftly grabbed my hand and took the bottle:

“Stop acting like a child!”

He set the bottle on the table and I could see his mind working, knowing that it was still within my grasp, so he set it on the chair between us, and smiled.

Then I smiled. And lifted my foot and kicked the bottle onto the floor again because I am childish, er, child-like, and fun! Clearly Carlos had forgotten the Great Loaf of Bread Toss of 2019.

This Tuxedo [and MaxGoldberg] Memory is from March 2017 …

“Carlos dubs these photos as proof that Tuxedo and MaxGoldberg are homosexual cats. I think they just like to stay warm on cool mornings and Consuelo is not a snuggler.”

Not homosexuals, just two cats who loved each other very much.

Look, I know what they’re trying to say with this license plate, but it’s completely missing the mark and now a whole different crowd is following this car home.

Last week, in front of nearly 75 guests, two officials with Arizona’s attorney general’s office arrived at Rudy Giuliani’s 80th birthday bash in Palm Beach to hand him the papers in the case alleging he and 17 others participated in a plot to overturn the 2020 election.

Some partygoers started screaming and one woman even cried as Giuliani was served. And even #DrunkleRudy was unsure of what was happening and thought he was being given cocktail napkins.

Rumor has it … I adore Adele, but I digress … that the bigwigs at ABCNews are worried about their new reporter DeMarco Morgan, a gay man, and his Delightful Bulge on Morgan’s Instagram page.

Just a note … I don’t mind it at all and have written to ABC demanding that they let him do his reporting in his bike shorts … #PrecociousBulge.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity has a particular demand for how the upcoming CNN-hosted debate between President Biden and Hair Furor June should be handled:

Moderators shouldn’t be allowed to fact-check Hair Furor during answer blocks.

Hannity whines about the liberal media but what he’s really saying is that Hair Furor will lie and lie and lie and lie and lie and lie and lie and lie and should go unchecked.

Well, Sean, if you want him to lie openly have him appear on your show every day because that’s all you do.

Back near the end of the 20th Century , when Sex and The City premiered the show was as much about the fashion as the characters and the sex and the city. But clearly times have changed and Grandma SJP doesn’t really rock the avant-garde wardrobe any longer … which may explain this outfit that looks like she has a pillowcase on her head.

And do not get me started on the dress or the shoes!

Rightwingnut Sebastian Gorka stopped a press conference outside Hair Furor’s hush money trial to tell a reporter it was “pathetic” to suggest Inmate # P01135809 is part of the “ruling class” or “elite.”

The man who calls himself a billionaire, who lives in a penthouse with a golden toilet and has his own plane is not one of the “elite”?

Bitch, please.

Eian Scully has been a top fashion model and fitness trainer, both in and out of his clothes, for several years now, but only now has he joined the pages of … Would You hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: 9 Sterling Cove Road

This is a smallish home, on Monhegan Island, was built in 1963, but has been completely updated and refurbished. And, being on an island, while there are other houses nearby, you will love the seclusion as your new house is only reachable by boat.

There are three bedrooms—the primary suite is upstairs—and two full baths in just under 1500 square feet. The home has been substantially renovated by the current owner with all new interior finishes, as well as a new well and septic, and the home was added to the electrical grid.

The property includes the old ice pond on the island, and there are great views of the Atlantic Ocean which is just steps away. The house is being sold fully furnished for just $1,395,000.

Plus, you know, the cost of the boat to reach the house from the mainland if you don’t already own a boat.

Dwell