I Ain't One To Gossip But

Okay, so last week we heard Lindsay Lohan say she was making her stage debut in London’s West End this fall in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow.

Yeah, maybe not. Even though Lohan keeps claiming she was hired to do the play there has been no announcement of her being cast in this, or any other, play, nor has there been an news about a Speed-the-Plow revival, and yet that didn't stop Lohan from posting that picture up there, of her standing at the stage door of a West End theater, to Instagram, with the message:

“At work! First day ... Read through.”

Cracktress is lying, y’all. Lohan is actually standing at Her Majesty’s Theatre stage door, where Phantom of the Opera is running … until April of 2015. So, this is not a theater where Speed-the-Plow will open in November, nor was Lohan there doing a reading, even though she carried the big bag with what looks like a script poking out.

Oh England, once again I apologize that you are being subjected, as we were for years, to the Lohan Crazies, though hopefully you’ll come to your senses soon and she’ll find another country in which she can party and tell her “stories.”

Remember when we learned from Kanye West — the horse’s ass himself — that it took four grueling days for him and soon-to-be-ex-wife Kim Kardastrophe to Photoshop their wedding pictures for Instagram after Annie Leibovitz bailed on shooting his wedding a day before the ceremony?

Trouble is, that’s a lie. Kanye had said Leibovitz backed out at the last minute because she was “scared about the idea of celebrity” even though she’s made a career of shooting celebrities …with a camera, y’all, come on! But now Kanye’s walking back his story lie because, well, Annie called him out on it.

Kanye is now saying he would have loved to have Leibovitz photograph his wedding but that a deal couldn’t be reached, which is oh-so-different from “she backed out at the last minute.” And Kanye’s reason for lying? He was, and I quote, “dreaming out loud. Again.”
 

That’s a poetic way of saying I have the biggest ego in the world and I am a liar.

Mariah Carey is all kinds of crazy and seems to have gone even crazier now that her last album, Me. I Am Mariah, tanked.

See, she wants y'all to believe that the massively Photoshopped cover for her latest single, You Don't Know What To Do, was as much a surprise and shock to her as it was to you: 

“That definitely was NOT my selection for the cover… ugh! / Yes, I would love for you to send me your art for #YDKWTD (’cause at this point IDKWTD! lol)”

Seriously? Mimi expects us to think that she was, what, taking care of “dem babies” — as she calls them — when this new Photoshopped Mariah made its appearance? Was she busy sewing sequined gowns down two sizes before she put them? Or, was she preoccupied with stuffing her over-inflated buzzooms into a training bra and cou8ldn't be bothered to okay this mess?

Stop, Mariah, every single album and single cover of yours from the last ten years has been manipulated to make you look thinner and younger and smoother and, well, more Beyoncé.

The jig is up, girl.

Y’all know that Kate Gosselin is the best mother in the world, right? I mean, sure she whored out her children, and her IVF sextuplets until her marriage fell apart, but she just did that because she’s a mom, you know. And when she pimped out her kids again in a recent TLC special it was only because she’s a stay-at-home mom; she doesn’t want you to think she does this for the cash for hair extensions and Botox and dates with her bodyguard, she does this because she’s a single mom just trying to survive:

“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”

And yet she has never tried to find another way, has she? Nope; it’s about using her children to make a paycheck. She’s the Original Octo-Mom.

JLo dumped Casper’s cheating ass a few weeks back — though, to salvage her image she claims she dumped him months ago, and will probably soon start saying they never dated at all and she has no idea who he is — and now she’s on to another dancer, Dancing with the Stars'’ Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

And yet, both Jell-O and Maksim are denying the hook-up, even though the pair was seen together after JLo’s “show” at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut where they were quite cuddly at the after party, and dancing in the club later on.

They’re playing down the affair rumors because, well, JLo learned from Casper. She’ll keep this coupling on the down-low because when Maks cheats with a hooker, or some D-list actress he’s paired up with on DWTS — and that could actually be the same person — she can say they never met, never dated, never schtupped.

Savvy, JLo, savvy.

File this under: This Kills Me.

Joan Rivers has a new book, ‘Diary of a Mad Diva.' coming out and the sh*t is already flying. In the book, as Joan does, she makes fun of a lot of people, mostly celebrities, and one, Best Wooden Actress™ winner, Kristen Stewart is ALLEGEDLY not happy about her role in the book after Joan ALLEGEDLY said this about the Twilight actress:

“Many stars only do one thing well. Of course, the best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a director’s balls.”

Apparently Kristen’s attorneys contacted Joan and the publisher and threatened to sue for defamation even though the prologue of the book makes it clear it is nothing but jokes, not facts, even if some of the jokes are based on facts ... like the time Kristen Stewart had an affair with a married director and ruined his marriage.

Oh, color me sad.

After just one year on The View it appears that resident blond bobblehead, Jenny McCarthy — not to be confused with black bobblehead Sherri Shepherd — is apparently on her way out.

A source — and it could be anyone from Star Jones, angling for her seat back at the table, or Elizabeth Hasselbeck, still pissed that she was pushed out — claims that Jenny didn’t appeal to daytime TV viewers because she’s an illiterate twit … or something.

Ratings have dipped since McCarthy came on-board; The View is down by about 5% when compared with last year, but CBS’ View knock-off, The Talk, is up 19% so Babs Walters needed to bump off the old and bring in some new.

Who can fill Crazy’s chair? Courtney Love? Gwyneth Paltrow—though she might spend the entire show hawking her $2,000 GOOP T’s. I suggest a potted plant to take the seat because at least it would make more sense than McCarthy. Then work on getting Sherri outta there, too.

UPDATE: She's out, and Sherri, too. Good. Bye.

Meanwhile, back at Kanye …

Remember when he beat up the paparazzi outside LAX last year? Well, now he’s paying for it, because he was just sentenced to Celebrity Special Treatment Community Service, AKA The Lohan Effect, by LA County Courts.

Kanye took a plea in the case and agreed to attend anger management therapy and complete 250 hours of community service. Now, while Joe, or Jane, Public would be picking up trash along the 405 while wearing an orange jumpsuit, Kanye’s community service requires that he visit LA Trade Technical College, a community college that focuses on fashion design, and talk about fashion to the students.

Celebrities! They’re just like us!

Mila Kunis is pregnant with serial schtupper Ashton Kutcher’s demon spawn and sometimes she’s in a good mood, and sometimes not.

Recently she gave an interview to Marie Claire where she talked all about her pregnancy and was funny and fresh and, well, even for Kunis, interesting. She talked about pregnancy boobs, how her vagina was gonna be wrecked and how she won’t let Ashton watch any of that happening. Then, she gave a phone interview and was all kinds of rude, raging bitch. I mean, who does she think she is, Demi Moore? Demi 2.0?

When the interviewer asked how she was feeling, being pregnant and all, Kunis snapped:

“I don’t talk about that for publication.”

Unless it’s A Vagina Dialogue for Marie Claire?

And she became even ruder, telling the interviewer that his questions were mundane, that she knew what his next question would be because he’s not very good at his job. That he asked questions she’s answered hundreds of times before.

Here’s a hint, Mila. Stop doing interviews if you’re too much of a bitch to be polite.

I loathe Katherine Heigl. She was, ALLEGEDLY, a big star on a hit TV show but then thought she was too good for that and broke her contract to make movies. She made one, maybe two, that were successful and then people realized she has no talent and so, naturally, she's gone back to TV where she’s starring in a new show, State of Affairs, which she described as like Scandal — which I won’t watch because, well, Scandal, is still on and is quite possibly about a thousand times better. Try as she might, Katherine Heigl will never be Kerry Washington, m’kay?

Still, Heigl does have a giant ego, though she prefers to have her mama act the bitch for her. See, she ALLEGEDLY flipped her wig because her name was spelled wrong on her dressing room door and so she called on her mother to scream at someone and get the bad speller fired. Funny thing is, though, it wasn’t just Heigl that was wrong, and the story goes like this …

“It’s Katherine with a K! I’m the star and they can’t even get my name right? Are you f*ing kidding me?!” bellowed Katherine Heigl who came onset and saw the door marked “Catherine Heigle.”

Catherine, er, Katherine phoned her momager Nancy and demanded she find out the culprit and it was discovered that the mistake was made by a new assistant director, who is now looking for a new job. Now, I know it’d be annoying to have your name spelled wrong, but, c’mon, it’s Catherine Heigle; why not just ask that it be corrected. Or maybe the producers will start looking for someone actually named Catherine Heigle who might be a better actress.

Might; that’s funny, because my cat’s a better actress.