Saturday, October 12, 2013

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Color me surprised! Okay, I kid.

But it was announced this week that longtime lesbian couple, Bruce and Kris Jenner are separating and that their separation will, naturally, be played out over the course of the E! reality drama comedy series, Keeping Up With The Kardastropes.

It wasn’t a very well-kept secret, though. Um, Bruce moved out of their lesbian love-nest and bought a home in Malibu, you know, a kind of man cave … in another zip code. 

And Khloe Kardastrophe, herself ready to divorce her husband, basically confirmed the split over the summer. But there were details to iron out, like royalties from the TV show and whether Kris gets to whore out the two children she had with Bruce like the porn-tape hustling she did to make Kim Kash Kow a big-assed commodity.

Bruce is said to be consoling himself and mending his broken heart on the golf course, while Kris is said to be in seclusion in Mexico with Girls Gone Wild porn producer Joe Francis.

And that part is true.

PS There is said to be no talk of divorce and i wondered why. Then I heard there is no pre-nup and Bruce would be entitled to half of all that Kardastrophe money and i realized that's why they won't divorce. Kris will never give up cash.

I used to like Bethenny Frankel when she was on The Real Housewives of New York. Single snarky gal about town, much like myself, except for the single and gal parts, I guess.

But then she left that show and became Bethenny Getting Knocked Up and Bethenny And Her Shotgun Wedding and Bethenny The Forever Fairy Tale which all morphed into Bethenny Hates her Husband And Is Getting Divorced.

You gotta love reality TV.

And their divorce is getting ugly, with Bethenny and soon-to-be ex-hubby, Jason Hoppy, taking digs at each other. They stayed together living in the same apartment even after the marriage shriveled up and died, or their TV show was cancelled; who knows which came first.

And now Bethenny, who played out her romance, her pregnancy, her giving birth, getting married, being a mommy, creating an empire, on TV for all to see with her one true love is now coming out and saying to anyone who’ll listen — and she has a talk show in which she spews her venom … thanks Ellen — that Hoppy was never the love of her life.

Can’t wait for her daughter to grow up and learn that she’s the product of Mommy and Mommy’s second choice third choice.

Britney Spears has been working her ALLEGED sexy mom ass off by rehearsing for her Vegas gig up to five whole hours each day.

She is going to bring it, y’all. And bring it, sing it, live. I giggle, but that’s what she says.

“I’m definitely going to be singing live. I always sing live … It doesn’t sound so great all the time, but I do my best.”

One lie, followed by one half-truth.

She doesn’t always sing live because we’ve all seen the videos of the worst lip-sync ever, and, yes, she does sound awful when she does sing live. And i bet if she could lip-sync her dancing shed do that too.

These Vegas shows are gonna crash and burn quicker than a Tom Cruise marriage.

I remember when little South West, er, Due west, er, north! North West! was born and all the Kash Kow and her psycho baby daddy could talk about was how they weren’t gonna pimp the child out. No appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes ever!

But then Kanye appeared on Kris Jenner’s cancelled-thank-god talk show — possibly because Kris has that ALLEGED gay sex tape in her safe — and he brought along a little picture of Due South North.

Pimpin’ her out.

And now Kim has taken to posting pictures of the kid on Instagram, you know, as a proud mama, not because she’s trying to stir up interest in a photo spread in People or something, even though the K’s are holding out for Vanity Fair.

Like that would ever happen!

Justin Timberlake made another movie and it bombed. Like all the other movies he’s in where his name is above the title. Someone should tell him to take bit parts or just stay out of the movies all together, but I digress.

His latest film, Runner, Runner, is a craptastic mess on a Lohan scale of Liz & Dick, earning barely $7 million in its first week. Now, to be fair, and y’all know I’m fair … I am, dammit … there’s all kinds of blame to go around, like to Ben Affleck, hoping to parlay Argo into something but getting NoGo instead.

Now even that venerable Hollywood trade paper, Variety, has a piece on JT in which they lay it all out there, saying something along the lines of: Justin? Just stop with the movies already!

From Ramin Setoodeh’s piece:
“Timberlake’s “Runner Runner” was a spectacular box office flop. The gambling drama only eked out $7.6 million in its opening weekend, despite the casting of Ben Affleck, post-“Argo,” as a slimy casino boss.
There are plenty of reasons for “Runner Runner’s” failure. The reviews were awful, and Timberlake (at 32!) is hardly plausible as a brainy Princeton graduate student trapped in an illegal Costa Rica gambling scheme.
Timberlake, who is meant to anchor “Runner Runner,” struggles with most of the screenplay’s cheesy dialogue. In other scenes, he comes across like a lost celebrity hosting “Saturday Night Live” who can’t find the teleprompter. …. He will never be a movie star, and it’s a mystery why he took such a long hiatus from music to appear in so many movies. Now that he has a hit new album, “The 20/20 Experience,” it might be a good idea for Timberlake to give up acting.”
From your pen to God’s ears.

So, Demi Moore, the not-quite-yet ex-Missus Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis the not-quite-yet current Missus Ashton Kutcher, have a lot in common, though one could be the mother of the other one.

Is that why Ashton is with Mila after dumping Demi? The same dark hair, large, wide-set eyes, the kind-of-olive skin color? Is that Ashton’s type and he just went for a newer version?

Well, now it seems that might be true because Demi thinks Mila is trying to SINGLE-White-Female her! And in her own clothes?

A source — and you know it’s one of Demi’s daughters, maybe the one whose boyfriend dumped her so he could date Mama, then dumped Mama so she could date his Papa — says, “When Demi and Ashton separated in 2011, he accidentally grabbed some her clothes when he moved out. Mila happened to find them in Ashton’s stuff and loved them. Demi randomly saw photos of Mila online one day and she recognized the shirt she was wearing as hers! ShE was in complete shock!"

Is this true? I mean, I could see Ashton ”accidentally” grabbing some of Demi’s schemata because he wanted a little something to cling to, but I can’t really see Mila finding the clothes and saying, Hmm, I can wear this.

And why would Mila SWF Demi. I mean, she got the, well, so-called, prize. If anyone was gonna SWF someone it’d be Grandma Moore going after nubile Mila. But then again ... Demi is STILL Missus Kutcher and Mila is STILL the grifriend, so ...

And then there’s Ashton’s other type; blond girls in hot tubs.


MAC said...

OOOH Housewives' gossip... I LOVES IT! Not only is her marriage on the rocks, but her talk show is not doing so hot.

I agree with you, her snarky disposition works for reality but not for talk.

anne marie in philly said...

totally shallow inane idiots this week, dear. aren't you glad you and I are normal?

Huntress said...

I love it when you do this every Saturday. But I still don't know how you can do this week in and week out without feeling dirty from all these trashy celebs.

the dogs' mother said...

Could the gov't shutdown extend to the Kardashian crowd?

rickbettencourt said...

Bruce's plastic surgery is just all wrong.

mistress maddie said...

If I were a Brittany fan, I'd already be demanding my money back. Thank god Bruce finally came to his senses. Although much like invasion of the body snatchers, its too late. His brain is mush. And have you heard? Kim's plan now since with Joe is to do a Mothers & Daughters Gone Wild video.! Sure to make us all reach for the chuck bucket.