Saturday, May 14, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

So, Beyoncé spilled the tea about her cheating husband, Jay Z, in her album ‘Lemonade,’ and some people went nuts.

I remember that album from back in the day, only then it was by Fleetwood Mac and it was called ‘Rumors’ and it was much better. But hey, Beyoncé never met an idea she didn’t steal so …

With the release of ‘Lemonade,’ more focus is placed on Jay Z’s ALLEGED affair with Rachel Roy — who may or may not have been the reason for the Solange-Jay Z Elevator Beatdown from the past.

Roy, a fashion designer — and who appeared to out herself as “Becky with the good hair” from Beyoncé’s track “Sorry” — says that some “personal information” from her computer was “stolen” and might include some damming info about Bey and Jay. And Roy  — who apparently has no boundaries about to schtupping other women’s men — says that other famous married men she banged might also be uncovered via the emails.

A day after playing the Beyoncé lyric “He only want me when I’m not there/He better call Becky with the good hair” in a social media post, Roy appeared to taunt Queen Bey. Then, realizing she looked like a whore, she made a public statement dismissing herself as Jay Z’s “other woman” after incurring the wrath of the BeyHive.

Never mind the wrath or Beyoncé, because there isn’t any; as long as the story stays out there and people think Roy might be ‘Becky,’ more copies of Lemonade will be sold and Beyoncé will pocket more coins.

After all, it’s the money that counts.

Poor Jessica Biel. She spent YEARS putting together her so-called “kid-friendly” restaurant, Au Fudge and, well, it’s not going so well.

When Au Fudge two months ago, it was not well-received; the kid’s menu is short and overpriced, the place is a hot mess and ALLEGEDLY poorly managed, there are hygiene issues, the focus is on booze and the food isn’t even good.

And now it gets worse because Biel had asked her husband, Justin Timberlake, to help her out by promoting the restaurant and he said, um, ‘No.’

Even though Biel friends like Jason Bateman, Tobey Maguire and Rachel Zoe showed up to promote the business, there is not one photo of Justin at the event — though sources say he was there.

I guess he just didn’t want to be associated with the place? And perhaps that’s because Justin’s own venture into the food biz, Southern Hospitality BBQ is New York, has also been plagued by problems.

Still, your wife’s dream becomes a reality and then a nightmare and you sit on your hands? That’s love, eh?

Blac Chyna, whose Baby Daddy Tyga may or may not be still schtupping Chyna’s newest Baby Daddy, Rob Kardastrophe’s little sister, Kylie Jenner, is in it for the coins.

The Kardastrophe Koins, that is. Chyna will soon be Mrs. Rob Kardastrophe and so she’s filed papers to trademark her name. No, not the name Blac Chyna; she’s gonna trademark her soon-to-be legal married name … Angela Renee Kardastrophe.

Chyna wants the exclusive legal rights to the name Angela Kardastrophe for “entertainment services, namely live television and movie appearances” as well as “living as a social media celebrity, model, actress, and performer.”

Blac Chyna won’t be Blac Chyna anymore … she’ll just be Angie Kardastrophe … and then the ex-missus Rob Kardastrophe because, after all, you gotta keep the players moving, right?

Word of Caution: don’t move next door to Minnie Driver and begin a remodel of your home.
It seems Driver is being sued by her Hollywood Hills neighbor, Daniel Perelmutter, for ALLEGEDLY impeding construction on his home and causing damage to it.

Perelmutter says Minnie is “deranged” and “needs to be institutionalized” and claims she “goes into frenzies” causing damage to his home.

In his lawsuit, he ALLEGES that Minnie has pelted his home with baby food jars filled with black paint, that she told him she wishes he was dead, and that she has tried to kill him with her car.  He also says she has blocked his workers’ access for up to eight hours at a time and that he could even … wait for it … end up dead due to Driver-Induced Stress [DIS]. And last week, police responded to their homes to find Minnie and Daniel screaming at each other over a delivery truck blocking her driveway.

Of course, Minnie has a side, too; she filed a restraining order against Perelmutter last November — which was granted — ALLEGING similar conduct and claiming that he jumped in front of her car twice.

The feud between Driver and Perelmutter, AKA the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s, has been going on for more than a year but, perhaps they should just stop the dance and schtup already?

Or we can give Perelmutter  the last word, in a video he released to tell his side of the story:
“Since [Minnie] lost her job on TV she’s got nothing else to do but to fight with me. Until she gets a job, this is not going to end. Please tell Fox to hire her and get her out of my hair.”

So, Janet Jackson, at age fifty, may be expecting a child with her husband, billionaire Wissam Al Mana, but the rumors abound that this isn’t her first child.

Huh? What? There has been talk for years that Jackson had a daughter during her teenage first marriage to James DeBarge and kept the pregnancy a secret from him, and the world, and gave the child up for adoption.

Now, James DeBarge is talking. See, according to DeBarge, a young woman claiming to be his daughter reached out to him two years ago via email — though the two have never met — and that this woman asked for a DNA test, that hasn’t happened yet.

The woman claims in the emails to DeBarge that Janet had ALLEGEDLY put the girl up for adoption shortly before ending her short marriage to DeBarge. He says he suspected Jackson had a baby, and even went on a search to find her, but had no luck. He believes Jackson didn’t tell him about the child because of “fear and lots of pressure from every angle, from inside and outside… Not knowing how it could hurt her career.”

And now even James DeBarge’s mother is getting in on the story; she believes Janet was pregnant while married to James, but went away for a long time and when she came back, she ended the marriage.

Jackson’s rep did not comment on this story but will Janet’s baby have a much, much older sister?

No telling …

And speaking of babies …

In the last few weeks hundreds, yes, hundreds, of people have come forward claiming to be the son or daughter of Prince and holding a hand out for some of that Purple Rain coin. But, this isn’t about that; this is a feel good tale about Prince and his ALLEGED Kardastrophe Loathing.

Zooey Deschanel, of TV’s New Girl, was on Conan O’Brien’s show last week and told a heartwarming tale of how Prince’s power caused the staff of New Girl to burn all evidence of the Kardastrophes.

See, Prince was such a fan of the show that he offered to shoot a cameo for their Super Bowl episode. In the show, he played Prince — go figure — and was throwing a celebrity-filled party in L.A.  The producers then asked That Woman and Khloe Kardastrophe to be in the party scene and because they are a couple of bloodsucking famewhores, they said Yassssss!

And while they filmed their scenes before Prince arrived onset, Zooey told Conan that one of Prince’s assistants collected all of the scripts and calls sheets and anything with the name Kardastrophe on it and burned everything before prince saw it:
“I’m studying my lines. One of the PAs comes in and she’s like, ‘I need all of the scripts.’ She takes mine from me, takes everyone’s call sheets, so I’m like, What’s going on? I walk outside and she has like a bonfire. She’s burning all the scripts and the call sheets. And it turns out that someone from Prince’s camp said, ‘Who are the celebrities? I hope it’s not a Kardashian.’”

We talked earlier about Rob Kardastrophe impregnating the woman who is the Baby Momma to his little sister’s boyfriend but let’s not more incestuous Hollywood …

Orlando Bloom was married to model Miranda Kerr who ALLEGEDLY, after the breakup with Bloom, rode Justin Bieber’s wiener a time or two, while Orlando decided to get even by allowing Bieber’s other ex, Selena Gomez, a free ride on Bloom Dick.

It’s a kind of a Circle Jerk, or a Circle of Jerks.

Then Orlando moved on from Selena and began dipping his wick into Katy Perry except … one night last week several cell phones caught Orlando Bloom and Selena Gomez making out at a Vegas nightclub. Orlando got very touchy-feely with the sixteen-year younger Gomez, though she ALLEGEDLY, after the make-out session, went home alone.

But what about Katy? She and Orlando were at a Met Gala after-party last week so they were still together … but I guess because she was in California and Orlando was in Vegas and he needed to cop a feel of a young girl and Gomez was handy … well, you get the idea.

But to keep the incestuous nature of the snark going, Miranda Kerr, Orlando’s ex and Justin’s one-night-several-night stand, was also in Vegas that weekend … at Selena’s concert.

I need a Bleach Bath. Or a Bleccch Bath.


the dogs' mother said...

When we were having an asbestos popcorn ceiling removed the workers were required to have their own bathroom. So we had a porta potty in our driveway for a week. The neighbors all laughed and life went on.

mistress maddie said...

I have yet to hear Beyonces new album or song, and probably wont. She was so much more creative when she came on the scene. Now she's just a hack. Rachel Roy is no box of chocolates either jay Z should find a good classy gal. A impossible task for him I'm afraid. The New Girl story is funny!!!! I hadn't heard that. And your comment made me chuckle this morning!!!!

anne marie in philly said...

whores and bores; all of them are full of shit.