I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have been together for over four years, and there’s been wedding rumors  since Day One, but, apparently, Gwen won’t walk down the aisle because she’s really Catholic and won’t get married until her fourteen year marriage to Gavin Rossdale is annulled by the church.

Huh. I didn’t know “really Catholic: meant shacking up with your new lover, but I guess “really Catholic” means picking and choosing the rules you feel best suit your situation.

And a Sidenote: since annulment basically says there was no marriage at any time ever between Gavin and Gwen does that mean her children with Gavin are now bastard children?

I mean, it’s the Catholics, so we know they’re kinda effed up.

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Oh my … That Woman, the matriarch of the Kardastrophe Klan, has come out from her crypt bearing Christmas gifts.

Apparently, That Woman has partnered with Botox Cosmetics for a campaign called Gift Like A Boss and she will be giving the gift of poison injections into your face to celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus.

And, from what I’ve heard, to save some money, cuz that shiz can be costly, she’s having the stores of Botox already in her face opened up for the gift exchange. Yes, it’s used Botox from That Woman, and her explanation is e-very-thing:

“It’s a one stop shop for me. And who doesn’t love Botox? For me it’s been really great. If you’re responsible, and you talk to your doctor, I think it works. It’s something that I’ve been using for a long time. My routine is pretty simple, but it always has been my entire life. A massage, a great facial, a manicure and a little Botox and I’m good to go. I’m pretty traditional. As long as I’m clean and scrubbed up, I’m a happy camper.”

Oh, dear god. someone stop this tool from speaking.

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And speaking of delusional tools and their Christmas gifts, enter GOOP.

In addition to her loads of useless way-too-expensive crap she wants to unload this season, Gwyneth Paltrow’s new holiday commercial featuring her gifting herself a vibrator.

Seriously; the ad features Gwynnie getting ready for guests in her luxurious penthouse, laying out the food and drinks and then stuffing a vibrator into her … stocking.

It’s the new G Label dildo and sells for a Paltrow, er, paltry, $100. But if you’re feeling like royalty and not a peasant, GOOP also offers  24-karat gold Lelo vibrator for $3500.

Batteries ALLEGEDLY not included.

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Bill Cosby is currently serving a 3-10-year prison sentence for sexual assault, but had, of course, appealed the ruling claiming this was some kind of conspiratorial political hit … on a comedian.

His appeal was denied, so, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas. I hope there’s Jell-O on the menu come the 25th.

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A couple of weeks back, Justin Timberlake was photographed getting a little too handsy—holding handsy—with his co-star Alisha Wainwright.

But friends came to his defense and said, basically, That’s Justin! This Fall on Fox.

But I digress. And then, Timberlake took to social media to basically say it was nothing, but that he’s sorry for the “nothing” and hopes the “nothing” didn’t embarrassment his wife, Jessica Biel, and their son.

It was “nothing” …except, it now appears Justin was ordered to do the Instagram PSA by Jessica, who wasn’t just gonna take a kitchen table apology.

I guess it wasn’t really “nothing” after all.

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Eddie Murphy is promoting Dolemite Is My Name and apparently feels that bragging about the ten times he’s knocked ups several different women is really sexy …to women, cuz he said this:

“Men kind of look at me like, ‘He’s crazy. How much did that s–t cost?’ And women, it’s kind of like, something sexy about it, I think. [They think,] ‘Eddie Murphy must be doing his thing. Eddie Murphy be getting it in.’”

He’s, um, gotten it in ten times.

Here’s the rundown: Murphy and his fiancée Paige Butcher welcomed his 10th child last December, adding to the daughter they already have.

Murphy also has children—Bria, 30, Miles, 27, Shayne, 25, Zola, 19, and Bella, 17—with ex-wife Nicole Murphy. Then there’s the son, Eric, 30, with Paulette McNeely, and another son Christian, 29, with Tamera Hood, and daughter Angel with Spice Girl Mel B.

And if you check the ages of his children, Eddie was getting it in … without protection … with more than one woman at a time.

Yeah, that’s sexy.

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