Saturday, March 12, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Charlie Sheen recently sold his profit participation rights to “Two and a Half Men” for nearly $27 million and then went to court to have his child support payments for his twin sons with ex-wife Brooke Mueller cut down because, he says, his income has changed significantly and so he can no longer pay the $55,000-a month child support payments for his 6-year-old boys.

Sheen says when he sold his profit rights for millions his monthly income fell from $600,000-a-month down to a mere $167,000 and so he clearly cannot afford child support; he also lists $12 million in debts owed on mortgages, taxes, and legal fees.

Now, Sheen’s divorce settlement with Mueller states that his child support payments could never be lower than the amount he pays to ex-wife Denise Richards for their two daughters, so Sheen wants that provision removed to be able to give less money to his sons than his daughters.

It’s no wonder he’s never been named Father of the Year, though Douchebag of All Time seems like a natural.

This is funny since this girl would be a nobody with paparazzi, but Kendall Jenner has ALLEGEDLY punched a photographer outside of a nightclub in Paris.

Kendall was leaving the night club with fellow model Gigi Hadid and her bodyguard when the bodyguard tried to restrain the photographer, and then she stepped in and went all Alec Baldwin on the guy.

The next day, on this side of the pond, while stirring her cauldron, That Woman made arrangements to have Kendall’s DNA tested because any child of hers and Caitlyn’s that pushes away a photographer for any reason at all cannot now or ever be called Kardastrophe, or even Kardastrophe-adjacent.

Even though Jennifer Lawrence loves him, and brought him as her date to the Oscars, there are all kinds of stories that director David O. Russell is a douche to work with … there’s an infamous story about how he went after Lily Tomlin on the set of I Heart Huckabees and ALLEGEDLY fondled his niece’s chest in a gym and made a studio exec cry of the ironically named set of Joy and now this …

Russell was so mean to Amy Adams on the set of American Hustle that Christian Bale — known for his own temper — had to step in … I was gonna throw an extra ALLEGEDLY in there but Adams gave an interview to British GQ where she says it’s true …. David O. Russell is a dick:
“I was really just devastated on set. I mean, not every day, but most. Jennifer [Lawrence] doesn’t take any of it on. She’s Teflon. And I am not Teflon. But I also don’t like to see other people treated badly … It’s not OK with me. Life to me is more important than movies. It really taught me how to separate work and home. Because I was like, ‘I cannot bring this experience home with me to my daughter.’”
It doesn’t look like Adams will be working with Russell any time soon though Teflon Lawrence has said she’d work with him forever and always … until he makes her cry?

This week famewhore, porn star, and married to a lunatic, Kim Kardastrophe posted another nude selfie to Instagram. It was a lie because it wasn’t a recent picture, post Second Baby, but an older picture before Second Baby — sorry I can’t be bothered to learn the child’s name—but folks on Twitter had a field day with Kardastrophe’s latest attempt to gather attention for herself since she doesn’t really do anything.

Bette Midler said:
“Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”
Chloe Grace Moretz reTweeted Bette and added:
“There’s a huge difference in respecting the platform that you’re given as a celebrity and ‘slut shaming’ something I never have done and would never do.” 
And naturally, Piers Morgan got involved:
“I know the old man’s $50 million in debt, Kim – but this is absurd. Want me to buy you some clothes?” 
It was all fun and humor, but since Kim is married to a lunatic she went all Kanye on Twitter, channeling her inner Donald [t]Rump and talking about how rich she is:
“sorry I'm late to the party guys I was busy cashing my 80 million video game check & transferring 53 million into our joint account”
I wonder how Kanye feels knowing his woman is telling the world that she’s stocking up his bank account? Then she took on Piers:
“hey @piersmorgan never offer to buy a married woman clothes. thats on some ashley madison type shit #forresearch
She also took a dig at Chloe Grace Moretz:
“let's all welcome @ChloeGMoretz to twitter, since no one knows who she is. your nylon cover is cute boo”
Lastly, she came for The Divine Miss M:
“hey @BetteMidler I know it's past your bedtime but if you're still up and reading this send nudes #justkidding
Followed by:
“hey @BetteMidler I really didn't want to bring up how you sent me a gift awhile back trying to be a fake friend then come at me#dejavu
Kim, honey, you don’t come for Bette unless she sends for you, m’kay?
@KimKardashian: I never tried to fake friend you. Looks like anyone can take a selfie but not everyone can take a joke...”
Snap. Now, let’s give Pink the last word because, well, it’s brilliant. And while Pink doesn’t name any names — she didn’t have to — the bits about attention seekers with tits and asses makes it clear who she was aiming at:
“Shout out to all of the women, across the world, using their brains, their strength, their work ethic, their talent, their “magic” that they were born with, that only they possess. It may not ever bring you as much ‘attention’ or press notes as using your body, your sex, your tits and asses, but women like you don’t need that kind of ‘attention’. In the quiet moments, you will feel something deeper than the fleeting excitement resulting from ‘attention’, you will feel something called pride and self-respect. Keep on resisting the urge to cave. You never have to make silly excuses for yourself. #internationalwomensday #bestrong #upyourrealworth”
Real snap.

Speaking of the Kardastrophes, Selma Blair is playing That Woman in American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson.

That Woman’s daughter Kendall is friends with model Gigi Hadid whose mom is Yolanda Hadid — formerly Foster — who has separated from David Foster who is now apparently dating/banging Selma Blair.

I know none of these folks are inter-related but it still sounds so incestuous.

She started off with a bang and now it looks like she’ll end up with a whimper.

Janet Jackson’s Unbreakable world tour is kinda broken with Miss Jackson cancelling or postponing many of her December American dates so she could undergo a “surgical” procedure — like, I dunno, having her voice tracks surgically implanted in her mouth so it’ll look more like she really can sing?

And now she’s doing it again; all of Janet’s European dates have been postponed due to “scheduling difficulties” and, rumor has it … love Adele … the tour may never happen at all because Ticketmaster is giving everyone who purchased a ticket a refund.

She cannot sing on tour but she did show up at Paris Fashion week … but then she didn’t have to pretend to sing and dance there.

Well, it appears Bradley Cooper has really bad ideas.

He was planning a remake of A Star Is Born — originally starring Frederic March and Janet Gaynor, then remade starring Judy Garland and James Mason, and lastly remade with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson — which has been put on hold lest it become another Cooper Flop a la Aloha.

But Cooper really wanted “Gimme An Oscar, I’m Beyoncé” as his costar because she’s a brilliant actress; remember Obssessed? No? Howsabout Pink Panther? Cadillac Records? Goldmember? Remember her in Dreamgirls? No? That’s because Jennifer Hudson stole that show.

Now it appears that Cooper may not get his Beyoncé because she wants Weave Money … and by that I mean a huge paycheck to star in the film. Seriously? She is such a terrible actress I think she should pay to be in the film and then pay anyone who wants to see the movie to go see something else, anything else.

A phrase I can almost guarantee you will never hear:
“The Oscar for Best Actress Goes To Beyoncé.”
Unless she makes a direct-to-video flop playing an actress who wins an Oscar.


Helen Lashbrook said...

I thought Bette and Piers had the best of that little spat with you know who

anne marie in philly said...

the only decent person here is p!nk (homegirl RECOGNIZE!).

the rest of the garbage should be set out for the pigs.

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

Pink... Oh that was good!

the dogs' mother said...

Most of them should be dropped into the middle of a Trump Rally...

Blobby said...

I like how you think that's the only reason Sheen won't be named 'Father of the Year'.

mistress maddie said... least Bradley is handsome.

Professor Chaos said...

There's a video of david O. Russell going off on Lily Tomlin, it's terrifying. Although not to Tomlin who remained unflappable throughout because she's way more of a bad-ass than I could hope to be.
There was also a story of George Clooney either punching or threatening to punch Russell on the set of Three Kings because Russell was being so abusive to the extras. I like most of his movies, but he's a real piece of work.