I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Gwyneth Paltrow just got through trying to un-wedge a wedgie from her mouth after whining about how hard her life is as a Millionaire Mom and now she's gone and done it again! Here she is, in context, y'all, so remember that when she says her words were twisted, saying how hard it is to read about what a douche you are online:

“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”

Yup, she compared reading "mean things" about Her Royal Assholiness to going to war, and one Cindy McCain, married to Grampa McCain, and mother of two sons serving in the military, is not happy with La Goop and Tweeted this:

“Gweneth [sic] Paltrow is a joke. Her life is like taking bullets for a soldier. What a joke! My 2 sons serving in the military should talk to her…Perhaps Gweneth Paltrow should go out on patrol with some soldiers. Kind of like a Red Carpet in her mind I guess!”

Oh yes she did. Snap. And I cannot wait for Gweneth — I may start using that spelling — to wriggle out of this latest bit of lunacy!

Emily Blunt recently sat down with the London Telegraph to discuss her co-starring role in the next Tommy Grrrl Cruise bomb, Edge of Tomorrow ... wait, wasn't that a 70s soap opera? Anyway, it's a routine interview until the writer brings up some snark Blunt tossed at Cruise and his kind of movies a while back.

See, back when she was a newbie in ‘The Biz’ Blunt said that she would rather do badly paid theatre for the rest of her life than ever accept a role “as a spear carrier in a Tom Cruise movie” and so when the interviewer reminded her of the quote, she denied it:

“I never said that! What an awful thing to say.” 

Oops, then the interviewer brings out the article with that exact quote! Blunt laughs out loud and then says, “That is so funny. Well, at least I’m not a spear carrier.”

But you're still in a Cruise Bomb.

If you ever wondered why Tori Spelling is such a media whore who would sell even the most agonizingly private moments of her life to the public, you need look no further than her mother, Candy.

In her second memoir Candy at Last, Old Lady Spelling tells the tale of the affair she had shortly after her wallet, er, husband, died. She had started seeing a man named Larry, but quickly stopped because he had a “penile implant” and just couldn't get enough of Candy's candy.

Ick.

Well, Charlie Sheen went and did it; he evicted his ex-wife, his baby mama, and the woman who took in two of his other children when that other ex-Mrs. Sheen spent the better part of a year in her twenty-seventh rehab, from the house he bought for her and his kids.

And all because his porn star fiancée commanded it.

He’s sold the home to a “friend,” although he’s allowing Denise and her girls, Sam, Lola and Eloise to remain in the home until the end of the school term."

What a gentleman, eh?

I say Denise move into a three bedroom place in the valley and let Charlie keep all of his money and hookers and whores and coke and be rid of him.

His girls would be better off.

Whitney Houston was an absolute legend who died long before her time, I'll grant you that, but I think even Whit might wake up and slap some sense into her family if she could.

See, there are some folks who want to make a movie about Houston and, well, it's a TV movie ... on Lifetime ... and Whitney's hangers-on — the ones living off her legacy — aren't at all happy.

After Lifetime made the announcement that they are planning on a biopic for 2015, with Angela Bassett making her directorial debut, that when the Houston’s had a problem. The family is so upset that Whitney won’t get feature film coverage that they’re considering a lawsuit to block production so they can make their own film, a kind of riff on the “This is It’” Michael Jackson movie.

And horror of horrors? Bobbi Kristina says she is the only actress capable enough to play Mama Whitney. Seriously? Bobbi Kristina? You bettah sit down, grrl, before you fall down.

Still, I wonder who will play Bathtub Whitney, though I imagine the Houston family will end their movie long before that happened, long before Bobby Brown, long before ‘crack is whack,’ like, say, right after "I Will Always Love You" became a big hit.

Lindsay Lohan is so in love with London that she'll do anything she can to live there even if she can't afford it.

She’s been telling everyone she wants to rent in London, but lacks the funds and is asking friends if they have flats that she can use. But, so far, all are saying No because no one wants to come home to an episode of Lindsay Lohan Crack Den Hoarders.

I'm betting she falls off the wagon again, goes to rehab again, gets out of rehab again and then hooks up with the UK's answer to Oprah — Graham Norton — and has him pay for a Brit version of her reality show docu-series and also pay for her to have a place to live.

Hey, it worked once y'all.

So, there is still gossip about how and why Solange Knowles "elevatored" Jay Z and the rumor that will not die is that it had something to do with his 'friendship' with designer Rachel Roy, but .... what if Beyoncé is the one having an affair a la Whitney in The Bodyguard?

Beyoncé’s bodyguard, Julius De Boer, became instantly famous when he saved her husband from crazy Solange. On the video from the elevator, Julius is all cool and calm and collected and now rumors are that he's kinda close to BeyBey. And it seems Jay Z thinks there's a little something going on. In fact, Jay wanted to fire Julius last February — before he saved Jay's ass — but Beyoncé put her foot down, then picked it back up and put it down put it down put it down.

It seems the singer and her bodyguard have raised eyebrows for years for their unusually close relationship; the eyebrows went higher back in '09 when Julius and Bey were spotted leaving a hotel, his lips stained with what looked like Beyoncé’s signature red lipstick.

Wow, to be stuck in an elevator while your wife's sister beats the crap outta you because she thinks you’re doing it with Rachel Roy, and then to have your wife’s ALLEGED lover save you?

No wonder Jay looked so glum after that elevator ride.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are still here. 

The first season of their craptastic, desperate for attention Lifetime reality show True Tori has mercifully ended, but right there, near the end, Tori, who never had one part of her life she didn’t want to sell, or tell, in a feeble attempt to remain relevant, revealed that Dean got a special tattoo just for her. Now, he already has a tat of Tori’s face above his elbow — excuse me, I need a Vomit Break — but this new one he had inked right above his penis and it says "Tori's."

I guess he just wants to remind any women, or ALLEGEDLY, men who might wanna ride the Dean Peen, to whom it truly belongs.

Ick.

A little more news about the pre-divorce ceremony of Mr. and Mrs. Kardastrophe? Well, there are all kinds of new stories about Kanye Going Krazy at his own wedding, like …

It seems he made sure that the guests, if they had to tinkle, could do so in Full Eleganza-a-a-a-a-a-a. Yes, the biggest decorative element at the wedding — besides Kim’s ass — was a 49-foot tall gold box which contained the bathrooms. It was situated right beside the dinner tables, with a bar in front of it and, according to at least one guest the “toilet was the star of the show." In fact, he, and others, called it the Torre di Bagni Oro, the Gold Toilet Tower.

And, just to show how white-trashy Kanye is, he decided that the dinner tables should be made of marble, but instead of place cards, he ordered Italian stonemasons to engrave the name of each guest into the marble. Sadly, though, some names were lost in translation and badly spelled.

Then, four days before the wedding, Kanye ordered 30 life-sized nudes, sculpted black marble, be created and displayed at dinner. Sadly, 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were damaged in transit, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. Still, they were put around the dinner tables until Kanye came to the venue and ordered them moved away. Since each one weighed half a ton, the whole crew spent the final two hours using machines to move Kanye's nudes. In fact, it took so long that the first guests to arrive saw the forklifts moving them.

And the Gold Toilet Tower.

Not to be outdone by Kim Kash Kardastrophe's wedding ... because, by boning her on camera, he made her a celebrity ... Kim's porn movie co-star, and the bane of Kanye's life ... Ray J, got himself arrested for grabbing a woman's ass in a club, arguing with police, and then spitting on a police officer and kicking out the window of a patrol car.

I guess he really really wanted an invite.

I don't know how I missed this one but, back in 2012, it seems there was a sex scandal involving JLo's oldest boy, lover Casper Smart, and his visits to sleazy massage parlors where, ALLEGEDLY, he asked the women for a ‘quick handie’ during his during a rubdown.

That story quickly faded from view, but now we have a new sexy story about Casper cheating on JLo with a "transsexual model named Sofia Vissa” whom he ALLEGEDLY met online and began meeting up, and banging, in the real world. As soon as that story broke, JLo's team tried to shut it down, and it did die out, only to be replaced this week by yet another tale of Casper and a transsexual model named Xristina Marie. 

And this one might put the nail in Casper's coffin, er, allowance. “Sources” claim Jennifer and Casper are on the verge of splitting, and he will be staying home while she travels to the World Cup soccer championships in Brazil.

Hard punishment, because Casper loves Brazil and soccer, and, ALLEGEDLY, transsexual women.

Now, that ain't a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but it seems like Casper had one job: take care of JLo and collect some coin, but he couldn't keep Little Casper in his pants.

Chris Brown is out of jail, y'all!

Back in May Chrissy was sentenced to spend more time in jail for violating the terms of his probation sentence for his Rihanna beat-down. He was supposed to stay in jail through June, but he was released at the end of May. He served 108 days of a 131 day sentence and received credit for his 116 days in rehab and this latest 59 days in jail, and so he was released for good behavior.

Here's the deal: his behavior only seems to be good when he's locked up, it's when he's free to roam the streets and beat his girlfriend, and toss chairs out of windows, and punch fans in the face, that his behavior turns bad.

Still, he could go back to jail soon because his trial for punching a fan, with the help of his bodyguard, starts soon.

And let’s end with some JLo.

This week Jennifer Lopez went back to the block to give her old neighborhood a concert and make herself seem like a regular girl.

So, wearing a pair of custom-made $5,000 Louboutins, hiding under an endangered $100,000 chinchilla coat, JLo left her $10,000-a-night Manhattan penthouse hotel suite and took her $500,000 Maybach though her old neighborhood hoping to snap some photos of her adoring former neighbors rushing the car for, perhaps, a glance of her magnificence.

Except that her old neighbors didn’t give a rat’s patootie that JLo was back, and couldn’t have cared less that she was performing in their neck of the woods. It seems only about half of the 25,000 people who received free tickets actually showed up to La Lopez’s first-ever show in the Bronx.

Ouch.  Of course, Jell-O — as Carlos calls her — didn’t help her case by surrounding herself with her dancers and sitting on a mock stoop on the stage and singing … singing? ,,, a cappella like she was just hanging round the hood.

Seriously, JLo, you cannot go home again because they don’t want you there.