I don’t know what was funnier: Heidi Klum skulking around the Refinery Hotel at 5:30 AM, or that when she yelled Wakie, wakie! in Ken’s room, his facial mask slid off his face. Okay, it was the facial mask. But, also funny was that even though Heidi woke up the designtestants and told them they’d be headed to Coney Island, she didn’t go with them. I mean, Klum is now just a messenger? Has the production budget dwindled on the PR? So many questions, and still more to come.
Like: Yogurt? I mean this was a wack-a-doo challenge start if there ever was one. The designtestants meet Tim Gunn and Dave Smetter, VP of Marketing Communications for Yoplait Frozen Yogurt, on the Coney Island Boardwalk where they are told they will be teamed in pairs of two — and we get Kate panicking because she needs to be all about Kate — and then the designers are told to offer samples of the yogurt, get some one-word feedback, and then go to Luna Park with their Go cards and spend $100 on carnival games and whatever prizes they win will be the construction materials for this challenge which will be based on Three Words that describe Yoplait.
My Three Words were: What The F**k? What any of this had to do with Yoplait I will never understand. But the twisted mess of a challenge start turned into a twisted mess of egos and crying and shouting and unicorns and f-bombs. Let’s rip…….
BRADON & KAREN
I think Bradon stumbled with this one, and I’ll blame Karen; mainly because I have no idea who she is, and when I saw her wander through the workroom with her hair down I had no idea who she was.
JEREMNY & KEN
The two gays couldn’t come up with something fun? Their outfit was cool — the pants were amazing — but the rest of the look seemed like a disconnect.
SANDRO & SUE
Hot mess. Both the look and the way Sandro and Sue worked—or didn’t work—together to make that exploding pool liner? Oy.
ALEXANDER & JUSTIN
So, yeah, Alexander still looks like Suede, only with red hair; I’m thinking of Tweeting Heidi and asking for a DNA test. That said, Alexander and Justin worked well together, although there was some weird shift in the episode. We saw Alexander with a giant stuffed animal, and he talked about using the eyes and the fur, but the runway look was entirely made from blow-up dolls — and not the fun kind, if you get my meaning.
When Tim Gunn sees the outfit, Alexander drops the Parson School equivalent of a curse word: junior!!! Pardon my French! Tim suggests they add something to it to make it not ju …. I can’t say it … but don’t make it silly.
That last part may have fallen on deaf ears—and not just Justin’s because Alexander wasn’t listening either. Their look, to me, was algae couture and not in a good way. They told the judges that their Three Words were: summertime, smooth, and playful. I saw none of that.
The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it was too much; there was kelp and dorsal fins and seaweed spewing from the model’s bum; it was Sea Punk Skipper, a hot mess. Guest Judge Kelly Osbourne said they should have let the bold colors talk, and maybe not thrown everything at the outfit to see what stuck.
Heidi called it ‘over bedazzled' and told the boys they should have stepped back … further … further … further …Now get in the subway, go to the airport and go home. Further. Further. Nina said in an unconventional challenge the choice is to go chic or fun, and Alexander and Justin chose neither. The Adorable Zac Posen™ suggests the vest come off, and then Kelly asks that the fluffy pink testicles balls be removed, and suddenly it’s much better.
Not good, mind you, but better.
Heidi said it looked like a kid made it and that kid should be punished. Then she touches it and a piece comes off in her hands.
Still, Alexander and Justin are safe.
MIRANDA & TIMOTHY
Though these two are from Wisconsin, and one would think that would make them allies, Miranda loathes Timothy and he’s too busy talking to cartoon squirrels to notice. She’s slammed him from week one, but he’s too busy counting butterflies to care.
However, he does care about the look, and several times during the episode we hear him call it his look, his dress so I imagine Miranda was right about him having a huge ego. And quite the passive/aggressive victim complex, too.
These two just do not get along. He designs, she designs; they hate what the other has done. He creates a textile — and tells us in a voice that sounds like no one on earth has ever done so — and she makes a sad dress.
Tim Gunn calls it a hospital gown … a Disney hospital gown. Miranda hears him and wants to change things but apparently all Timothy hears when Tim Gunn speaks are rainbows and lollipops and unicorns dancing. Although .... he does get a new and then, without a word to Miranda, he wants to scrap the dress and make pants. I guess they don’t speak Team Challenge in Timothy Town.
Sidenote: Timothy took great care to tell us that unicorns are not horses with horns. I took great care to shriek at the TV, Unicorns don’t exist!
In the sewing room, Miranda rants and rages about Timothy — “he's no good...he sucks...he's a nightmare." — even after he comes into the room. And then we get him in the interview, shrieking, "If you know me so well, HOW DARE YOU?" like a cheap-ass Joan Crawford wannabe.
Miranda is a raging b-i-t-c-h and Timothy is a crying mess, grabbing his stuffed unicorn and heading to the top of the stairs to read a note that his model-muse gave him; he cries, and cries, and cries, and tells us that No one in the history of Project Runway has ever gotten a card from a model. This may be true, because the model would have to find someone to write it for her. BAM! Still, the card renews Timothy, though he continues to play the the victim, and won’t take Miranda’s apology because Actions speak louder than words.
Oy, the tsouris they’re giving me.
On the runway their look is just boring, a sentiment echoed by Heidi, who adds that Timothy’s bolero — the thing of which he is most proud — is just wrong. The Adorable Zac Posen™ calls it a deflated pool toy — noting that there is a piece of jewelry on the models arm with the blow-hole on it — and called the vest ineffective. Nina thought it looked like a biohazard bag, never a good look, while Kelly could only say it was a bad color.
Timothy plays his Victim Card again, and mutters something about the Titanic and lifeboats and how he wanted to make a lifeboat for the Titanic and saying that if he’d worked with a stronger designer it would have been better because it’s all Miranda’s fault because she’s a mean girl and he felt abandoned and alone and …
Stop! My heart won’t go on!
The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it sad, while Kelly says you can see a tutorial of how to make that vest on YouTube. Nina just shakes her head and says there’s nothing good about the look.
In the end Timothy is Auf’d. He was last spotted canoodling with a stuffed unicorn in Central Park and singing songs to rainbows and kittens.
ALEXANDRIA & DOM
We didn’t get to see a lot of these two during the show, because mostly is The Sandro & Sue & Miranda & Timothy Hour. I did, however, love seeing Dom wearing the plastic bag to keep all the stuffed animal stuffing off of her.
And right off the bat they decided to go literal and use the stuffed animals to create a riff on Japanese anime culture with a monster dress. I got a this-is-going-to-be-bad vibe about it, especially seeing it in the workroom, but once it hit the runway, I was sold. It was fun and cute—but not cute in the junior sense—again, pardon my French. A sort of monster costume inspired by Japanese street style.
Their Three Words were playful, energetic and texture, which they totally captured them. I’d like to say they were the only designtestants to capture their words, but we really get too much in the way of the Three Words from anyone else.
Kelly Osbourne called it fun, and loved the styling; she said it was current, and fit in with a revival of rave fashion. Sidenote: I missed the memo that rave fashion is back, but I’ll be checking my steamers trunks for my old wardrobes.
Heidi also agreed, saying she wanted it, even though it wasn’t a Salute to Boobies. The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it inventive and fun and casual, while Nina said it was adorable and happy and the model was perfectly styled; it had the spirit of Coney Island and was "an Instagram moment" — whatever that means.
The Adorable Zac Posen™ noted the inside of the pocket was done in red like a monster’s tongue, and Heidi loved the sense of humor. Kelly, again, asked if she could have it.
Alexandria and Dom are safe.
HELEN & KATE
This pairing had the mark of failure and infighting written all over it. Helen—could someone get her some hair product STAT—called Kate a bitch before they’d even met. And, well, she’s right. And, man oh man, Kate, the Princess, with Helen, of the Tattooed Shears Through the Neck spells d-i-saster.
And yet it wasn’t. These two worked like a couple of deigning Chip and Dale chipmunks: You’re good. No you’re good. No, you are. No, you are. Kate said their pairing must be what a sorority is like; you know, without the unwanted pregnancies and STDs and stuff.
But, I give them major props for not going stuffed animals or blowup toys and having the good sense to get a bunch of red sombreros. With Kate’s corseting abilities, and Helen’s kind of wack-a-doodie artist’s eye, they took what could have been a hat-tastrophe and turned it into a work of art.
And without one cross word.
Helen suggested flattening the sombrero and that created all kinds of rosettes on the dress which just made it cool. Add in to that the fact that it was red in a sea of pool toy blues and greens and it was destined to stand out. Heidi was very impressed by their sculpture dress and Nina called it real high fashion but still whimsical and fun and tailored and refined. Kelly loved the fact that it was different—I believe she muttered to Tim, It’s f**king brilliant—and said she could see it on a red carpet. The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it Sombrero Saturn Chic and said the brims recalled the Coney Island Cyclone.
The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it fantastic, while Heidi dubbed it beautiful and Kelly said it was well-made. Nina, I think, had gone out for coffee.
When asked who should win, Kate said that it should be Helen for being so arty while she, Kate, is more construction. I wonder if she’d have been so gracious if she knew what Helen called her on Day One.
Still, Helen gets and ego boost, a win, and immunity.
Tim Gunn. I just love him. ‘Heavens! I’ve never seen so much flotsam and jetsam in my entire life.” He is Pia Z’adorable to the core.
Sandro saying, "When woman listens to a man, it's so cool" was just disgusting; and Sue taking it and saying she’d be his assistant was equally disappointing. Sandro is a pig. And then, Sandro telling Miranda how to work with Timothy’s ‘attitude'. How to say in Russian, Pot.Kettle,Black.
Timothy gone. Yip-freaking-ee! I was so over his cartoonesque personality and his sustainable POV which wasn’t real because he was using all sorts of electricity this episode without a word. And, when he said, of Tim’s critique, ‘Just because we get a negative critique doesn’t mean our project is bad’ I shrieked, again, at the TV, Um, yeah, it does. You moron.
And, is it just me, or does Miranda look a little like Timothy. Perhaps another DNA test to see if there wasn’t some Wisconsin Wife Swapping back in the day.
Ken? A turban? Really. No, honey, no.
Next week we get Sandro’s meltdown and his attack on a cameraman, but ….
What did YOU think?