Friday, August 16, 2013

PR 12 Ep 5: There's A New Bitch In Town

Well, with Sandro gone, I sense a much calmer workroom this week … Boy! Was I wrong! I’ll get to that, but first, this week’s challenge.

The designtestants meet Tim in the Meatpacking District where they find him with Brian Bolain, Corporate Manager for Lexus, and four Lexus automobiles. I’m a’scurred this’ll be like the challenge a couple of years back when the designtestants tore apart new Saturns and used the materials for their looks—seatbelt dresses, again?

But, thankfully, or not, this is a convoluted challenge. The designers are broken up into teams — not again — and told that they must create a Luxe Mini Collection, with three looks, made from — What? Again? — unconventional materials found at 2 of these three stores: a vintage wallpaper store, Garden of Eden, a specialty food store, or Surprise! Surprise!, a home goods/party store. They can use the Lexus to navigate through La Grande Apple, and can be inspired by the car, and they will have $1500, as a team, to spend and have one day to compete their looks. I imagine Sue — who overspent last week on her way to the bottom — will spend all of the money on her look.

As the teams are selected, I can already predict those who shine — Bradon’s Team and Kate’s Team — and those who will stumble —Helen’s Team and Ken’s Team. In fact, Ken gets started right away with how much he loathes Sue and isn’t so fond of Alexandria. It’s on bitches.

Now, before we get to the Best and the Worst and The Safes, let’s talk about Sandro’s Mea Culpa to the workroom. He seemed to have been dragged in by Tim and made to apologize like a naughty schoolboy; he was a bitch and a bastard because he’s Russian, or passionate, or Helen’s friend. Something like that. But, quicker than you can say straitjacket, he was whisked away, to be forgotten, again.

On to the ripping …

ALEXANDER I thought the wallpaper pants were cool—though a bit harlequin—but that thing he called a scarf was a little too Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan, if you know who that is. Still, I thought it chic and cohesive, with Bradon’s look.

MIRANDA At least it wasn’t a pencil skirt, though it bordered on pencil. Plus, it didn’t seem to fit with the volume and structure that Bradon and Alexander featured. I think Miranda should thank the Challenge Goddess for pairing her with Bradon because his look saved her ass this week.

BRADON To me, this was the winner, though maybe Miranda’s yawn brought the team score down. Sure, it was bridal, but it was fabulous bridal and the only one of the three looks that seemed luxe.

DOM Mistake #1? Being teamed with Helen. Mistake #2? Spending just $600, out of a suggested $1500, for their looks. Had they spent more, they might have done more. That said, Dom’s look was modern and sharp—so sharp I think I cut myself on those shoulder details; too much. I think after getting praise for his Japanese-inspired looks for two weeks, she took a trip to the Orient again. She needs to rethink that if she’s going to The Tents.

HELEN What an effing trainwreck. Helen was also lucky to be teamed up this week, because this butcher paper looking mothereffer should have been used to wrap her clothes up before she was sent home. Dodged a bullet this week, Helen.

JUSTIN He said he hadn’t made pants in six years, and he struggled with them. I think they turned out nice, not luxe. His top, with the low-cut back, and the Goji Berry details was very cool, but again, he might have been on the losing team had the losing team not been such a clusterf**king trainwreck. And speaking of …..

Standing in the Meatpacking District, as they were paired up, I knew instantly that this was going to be a hot, ugly, vicious mess. When Sue asked ken if he was going to be their chauffeur, he shot her a look that should have killed her on the spot.

Not good.

Shopping was a d-i-saster because whatever Sue and Alexandria wanted Ken shot down. Ken, simply put, is a bitch who does not play well with others; he’s a Little Black Sandro, a Mimi-Me-Masmanidi, a b-i-t-c-h in a Devil’s beard. Ken is very argumentative, sassy, mean-spirited, not at all helpful, and just plain rude; I hadn’t seen this side of him before, but I guess Sandro was given the Bitch Edit while he was around.

That said, his dismay that Sue cannot sew—she says she can sew on her machines at home but not on these Brother machines which are clearly from the future—but, um, Sue, it’s been weeks now, and you should have learned how to thread a bobbin, or whatever it is you do before you start sewing.

But I was absolutely gleeful when Tim critiqued their looks and shredded all three of them—though he was soft on Alexandria, who seemed to play peacemaker. He ripped them all a new one—especially Sue—for using FABRIC in an Unconventional Challenge! He wondered if she’d ever seen the show before because, girl, Nina will cut a bitch that sews a tablecloth into a gown and calls it unconventional.

"This makes me sick!" he said to Team AlexKenSue.

Their collection looked like a bad 80s video costume for a long-forgotten hair metal band. Ken’s was a duct-taped disaster, while Alexandria’s vest looked cool, but her skirt Jiffy Popped as the model walked. Sue’s look was barley finished—we learn that her model actually finished sewing the dress in the bathroom—and, well, was just bad.

Of course, on the runway, this team couldn’t even articulate their POV, and had to be reminded to Speak UP!! Almost immediately, The Adorable Zac Posen™ goes in for the kill: “Bad fabric! Bad sewing! Bad taste!” He dubs Alexandria’s vest a “cocoon without a butterfly" and says Ken’s duct-taped skirt makes the model look wide. Sue’s dress is called an uneven coffee filter and badly tailored, but hey, her model sewed it, right?

Meana Garcia said, "It all looks bad, weird, funky, ugly. All of it." Heidi calls it random and unsurprising, while Guest Judge, June Ambrose, said it wasn’t luxe, though it was kinda funky in a ‘disco to the daytime’ kind of way; she called it the Run Out Of Time Collection.

When Alexandria tosses Sue under the bus for lack of sewing skills, Nina shrieks, “None of you can sew” and points out Ken’s duct-taped belt and skirt. The Adorable Zac Posen™ suggests they all get Auf’d.

Then Alexandria calls out Ken, talking about ‘walking on glass’ around him and how you have to ‘pet the cat’ to get him to calm down; I loved that. I didn’t love Ken and his, “I’m talking now so I need you to be quiet attitude.

Sue’s model comes clean about sewing the strap on her dress so she wouldn’t go topless down the catwalk, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ gives Alexandria credit for the tailoring of her cocoon vest, June Ambrose liked the rusching on Alexandria’s skirt as well.

The Adorable Zac Posen™ dubbed Ken’s look unfortunate, and visibly grimaced when Tim said the skirt was a shower curtain covered in duct tape.

It was down to Ken The Bitch … Don’t Look At Me Ken … Little Black Sandro … Mini-Masmanidi … or How-Do-You-Thread-A-Bobbin … What’s-All-This-Talk-About-Pattern-Making … Sue.

In the end, bitchiness, rudeness, meanness is safe, and lack of skills goes home. Sue gets Auf’d.

I will admit that when Jeremy was making his dress I thought it looked stupid and simple; and when he began gluing glitter to it, I thought, Well, why not just break out the papier mâché and have a go at that? I thought it awful.

And I worried about Kate because, again, unconventional challenge, and she’s being so conventional—with the exception of going black so she could, as she trumpeted on the runway, ‘Show you my dark side.’ Honey, we saw your dark side last season; you’re a bitch—not a la Sandro or Ken, but a bitch none-the-less.

I also worried about Karen because I have no idea who she is or why she’s till there, unless she’s using her Go Card to buy lunch for everyone.

Jeremy turned placemats, wallpaper and glitter into sex, while Kate was a whiz with Black Rice as a stitching detail—how long did that take? Oy! And, all right, I’ll give … what’s her name … hold on … it’ll come to me … Karen … props for using seeds and glitter and coconut shaving as embellishments, though her look seemed a mismatch with the other two, being a color-blocked sheath while the others were form fitting and sexy.

This team really went unconventional and it worked. Their collection was by far the most cohesive, and looked elegant and luxe and high-end. Heidi praised Jeremy for not going ‘Madame’ this week, and how good the boobies looked, although I felt the top seemed to be pushing down on the, um, breastial region. She loved the insane fit, while June Ambrose said, ‘Clavicles are the new cleavage.’ Not sure what that means, but I kinda liked it.

The Adorable Zac Posen™ said this team captured the essence of the car—a point I missed entirely, no matter how many times Karen and Kate mentioned it … and Jeremy, for some odd reason, talked about a stingray as his inspiration. He liked the fabric cohesion of the trio, though he said Karen’s look was more fabric collage.

Nina said Jeremy’s look was curvy and fast and effortless.

Nina marveled at how much Jeremy’s placemat dress looked like fabric, and I muttered, Placemats are fabric, sometimes, Nina. Then I shuddered when Nina seemed to glare at me through the TV. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said Jeremy’s look had va-va-voom automotive and I said, Zac's dimples are so cute. Nina shot me another dirty look.

As for Karen, The Adorable Zac Posen™ liked the seeds and rice and coconut, while June Ambrose loved the mixed media-ness of it all. Heidi said it was luxe and I was gonna say something but Nina shot me a look.

The Adorable Zac Posen™ loved the fit of Kate’s dress while Nina called it crazy beautiful and June Ambrose said it was 24-hour Couture.

In the end I think my Don’t let it be Kate Don’t let it be Kate mantra helped Jeremy to make a comeback from last week’s mess to this week’s winner.

Karen was lucky being teamed with Kate and Jeremy and Helen was lucky to be with Dom and Justin. Imagine a Sue, Helen Karen team? Night.Mare.

I am now officially over Ken. He is not only a diva—in the bad sense of that word—but he is rude and condescending and nasty. He really is Sandro, Lower Decibel Sandro. Just because he doesn’t shout doesn’t make him any less mean. I had been hoping that Helen or Karen might go soon, but I think I may be wishing for Ken to bitchslap a camera and Auf himself.

I really like Justin; he's so sweet. I really hope he steps it up so he can stick around longer than some of the riff-raff.

June Ambrose was fabulous and fun and kinda wacky. She sparked up the judging with her comments.

Next week Tim cries and when I find out who made him cry, I’m’a go SandroKen on their ass.
Just sayin’.

What did YOU think?


the dogs' mother said...

I get the feeling that they ran a couple polls and discovered people like unconventional challenges and team drama. Noting how they picked the teams this time around.
Wonder what the behind the scenes meetings with Sandro went?
Ken disappointed us.
*breastial region* snort! chuckle!
The product placement is a little over the top this season, even for Project Runway. There ought to be a category in the Daytime Emmys for it.

Anonymous said...

I have so much to say about Ken, I'll likely write a rant about it tonight after work. Maybe he's all pissy because he's shorter than Kevin Hart?

I love Kate's look. If it were in my size, I'd wear it.

I'm sure Tawny Kitaen wore Alexandria's dress in a Whitesnake video twenty-five years ago.

Helen's dress made me reminisce about how we used to cook Jiffy Pop popcorn on the stove when we were kids.