I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

We have a lot to get to, y’all, so settle in and be warned: LINDSAY’S FREE!!!!

But first … Sharknado.

Never saw it, don’t care to, the title alone says it’s stupid. Plus, it star’s F-listers Tara Reid and Ian Ziering.

Stupid.

But, ALLEGEDLY, some folks watched it and now a sequel is planned. That’s the bad news; the hilarious news?

Tara Reid will not be asked back to reprise her role. So, you just know your career’s in the crapper when you don’t get asked back for part two of a web movie about a tornado full of sharks.

Just sayin’.

The last we heard about Reese Witherspoon she was all kinds of drunk and asking police officers if they knew her name; you know you’re really drunk if you hafta ask a cop to tell you your name. But I digress.

I think Reese might still be drinking because girl just went to a hair salon to have her hair dyed back to blond from the brown she wore in the movie she was making when she was all arrested and stuff.

I say she must still be drinking because Reese paid $1500 to have her hair colored.

I hope they colored in with real gold for that price.

Sidenote: She ALLEGEDLY knew her own name in the salon so there was none of that uncomfortable silence.

Justin Bieber is spitting again.

I think he should change his stage name to D’Spitter and just come onstage and spit on folks because it seems it’s what he does best.

I mean, he spit in the face of one of his neighbor’s who yelled at him for speeding, and he spit in the face of a DJ who had a camera in his hands, and now he apparently took to spitting all over his fans from a Toronto hotel balcony.

The photos were snapped Thursday in Toronto, show Miss Justine perched Evita-like atop her hotel balcony and dropped a saliva bomb to the crowd below.

At least he didn’t treat his fans like a mop bucket and piss on them.

Okay, so Lohan’s out of full-time rehab and is ALLEGEDLY staying at a sober-living house—which means she’s not at Dina’s.

But she has plans; she’s off to La Grande Apple to promote her porn film The Canyons and then she’s doing an interview with Oprah—for two million bucks—and she might go one Letterman.

But then she says she’s going to Europe to ‘relax’; for Lohan that means party like, well, Lindsay Lohan. Apparently one of Lohan’s friends/dealers is offering to pay her expenses for a ‘job well done’ in rehab, and Lindsay hopes it will give her some privacy during her post-rehab days.

It’s Europe … what could go wrong?

I mean, last time there were pictures of her snorting coke in a hotel room, and then there was the time she partied so hard she lost her passport and couldn’t make one of her many court dates.

Yeah, this bodes well.

American Idol just never learns. Do they?

It seems producers want JLo back now that Moo-riah is out to pasture, Randy Jackson is dawg tired, Nikki Minaj is hawking perfume and only Keith Urban looks like a returning judge.

But, as with all things JLo, it isn’t about the time, or the schedule, or the desire, it’s about the number of zeroes on the check.

During her first stint on the stale show, JLO earned some $15—nearly fifteen times what she gets for singing happy birthday to tyrants and murderers—but now she wants well over the $20 million mark. But a salary north of $20 million for four months’ work would sets a bad precedent for a TV show that has seen it’s audience dwindle from 21 million an episode in season 11, to just 14 million an episode this last year.

Yeah, it still looks stale. Both JLo and Idol.

Back to Lohan ….

Lindsay says she’s ready to make some big changes in her life, including plans to cut ties with some of the toxic friends in her circle. I wonder if she means the gal pal in London paying for her to party in Europe.

Still, rumor has it that Lindsay has made that list, and checked it twice, and will cut the people who are naughty, not nice.

Sources close to the actress—it’s Dina, looking for a payday—say Lindsay recently sat down at Cliffside and made a list of 100 friends … Friends? Dealers? Suppliers? Forgers? … and will remove 80 of them from her life.

No word on which side of the list Dina and Michael fall, but if Lohan is serious, her parents should be Top Two on the Cut List.

Scott Thorson — whose life with Liberace was turned into film Behind The Candelabra — is talking, again, about his affair with Michael Jackson. And I thought it was icky that he and Lee were doing the deed but this ….

Thorson says he “was introduced to Michael Jackson through Liberace back in 1977 and we had a fantastic relationship. … When [Liberace and I] broke up in 1982, Michael swept me off my feet and said, ‘Hey, I’m breaking away from the Jackson 5. I’m going solo’. This is when the Thriller tour started. Michael swept me off my feet.”

And, he says, they were lovers for a short while. Thorson — currently on US probation for identity theft — said he and Jacko stayed pals until Jackson died in 2009 from a drug overdose. And Thorson, who endured hours and hours of plastic surgery to look like his former lover, Liberace, blames the plastic surgery for Jackson’s death: “Michael started his drug addiction because of the plastic surgeons.”

Or, maybe he started his addiction when he realized he was screwing a Liberace knock-off.

Just sayin’.

Last we heard from Britney Spears she was being all edgy and stuff, singing a song called, ‘If U Seek Amy,’ which is a subtle — or not so subtle — way of saying, F**k me. Go ahead, say the name of the song out loud and really listen; I’ll wait.

Good, you’re back. Well, how does one follow up a F**k me song? By singing ‘Ooh La La’ in the new Smurf’s movie. And then showing up at the premiere looking like you have no idea who all the tiny blue people are and what they’re doing there. Or maybe she saw the movie already and her face is her review ….

Britney. Britney. Britney.

More Lohan? I knew it!

After leaving rehab, going to Europe, promoting her porn film, spilling her guts to Oprah, talking to Letterman, Lindsay will have an actual paying job!

Lohan is set to guest host Chelsea Handler‘s Chelsea Lately.

Bad idea, say what? Isn’t Chelsea Handler a comedian? Isn’t her show all kinds of bad taste funny? How will Lohan even measure up unless ….

The whole idea is for Lohan to guest host so that when Chelsea comes back she can spend a week ridiculing Lindsay for her really awful, high-lariously bad, interviewing skills.

I mean, picture Lohan asking her guests questions: Where do you score prescription meds? How do you manage not to show your firecrotch when getting out of a car? Will you take my parents away from me?

This.Could.Be.Huge.

And, speaking of Lohan parents: Dina Lohan.

While her daughter was in rehab for her decade’s long addictions to alcohol and drugs, Dina Lohan made an appearance at the premiere of Lindsay’s porn film, The Canyons.

And, I guess since she was representing Lindsay, Dina felt it best to show up in all kinds of intoxication. And she brought along the lawyer that Lindsay fired, mid-trial, Mark Heller, who appeared to need to hold Dina up.

Seriously, Lohan, I know you read this, because your name is your Google alert, Put yo mama on the toxic list.

And, let’s end up back at a story about American Idol; or, at least, former Idol bad guy, Simon Cowell.

He’s gonna be a daddy, y’all! It seems like Simon has done knocked up some New York socialite named Lauren Silverman; and, the, um, interesting thing is that Lauren Silverman is a married lady. She and her husband, Andrew, aren’t even legally separated and no paperwork has been filed, though they are said to be estranged.

And the sick part is Simon and Andrew were/are friends.

I guess the friend that impregnates your wife is, well, not really a friend. 

And apparently, he’s not keen on daddy-hood: “God, no. I couldn’t have children. If I had them here drawing on the walls I’d go nuts. With kids, you’ve got a routine you can’t escape from. You’ve got to be up at a certain time. Got to listen. When all you want to do is sit in a corner thinking.”

Yeah, this’ll be good.