We start off this week with armed guards outside Parsons and I instantly think, ‘Design terrorism.’ And I’m hoping they don’t hurt Timothy when they haul him away to the Project Runway version of Guantanamo Bay and torture him with pictures of models in fur and full hair and make-up.
But, alas, it’s just an armored truck filled with $30 million in diamonds, AKA just another day in the life of Heidi Klum.
The challenge: create a glamorous red carpet look that showcases the jewels.
Sounds simple, eh? We’ll see; but first the Dreaded Button Bag™ makes its first appearance of the season and Bradon, who won last week, and has immunity, gets to pick his model. Then the rest pick theirs. They will have just one day for the challenge, and will have their first trip to Mood.
I was hoping for some You stole my girl drama, but there was none; there will be drama to come, though, in the name of Sandro, so we do have that to look forward to.
Let’s rip ….
THE SAFES: left to right, top to bottom
ALEXANDER: It was kinda negligee-ish to me; neither here nor there.
ALEXANDRIA: Kinda meh; boring and, in my mind, too short.
BRADON: Chic and elegant; extra points for having a model who knows how to rock a runway
JEREMY: This was my favorite. It was really nothing new, but it was beautiful, moved well, and showed off the ice. Should’a been Top Three over Sandro.
JUSTIN: Flowy, but way too safe.
KAREN: Odd color, and looks cheap; she apparently spent just $160 of the suggested $300 budget.
KEN: Marilyn Monroe in The Little Mermaid.
MIRANDA: She loves her some bare midriff; now if she could sew something that doesn’t look so sloppy.
SUE: Looks a little too much like last week’s design; change it up, or be the next Aufee.
THE BOTTOM THREE
Helen tells right out of the gate that this is her forte, evening wear and wedding gowns, so we all know how this will end up.
It ends up with Helen trying something—cups … not of coffee, but of breasts—she’s never done before. And when Tim stops by, he tells her she’s being overly ambitious and she says she can do it.
Cue the Ominous Drumming™
She can’t do it; she can barely finish. It looks like her girl was stapled into the dress in the back. In fact, it’s so awful that Helen has a meltdown during the runway show before the dress even walks. They had to stop the show so Tim could
bitchslap comfort her,
as only Tim can do.
I gave it a one word critique: ‘Awful.’ It looked like brown and beige sheets! On a red carpet! It was shredded and ill-fitting and just sad; like paper bag in the rain sad.
Heidi couldn’t understand why Helen would try to tackle breast cups if she’d never done them before—and this was a one day challenge, at that! She also called it bad and said Helen was trying too hard, which caused Helen to mutter, It’s my forte! which caused Heidi to mutter Really? The Adorable Zac Posen™ tried to explain to Helen that there are no elves that swoop in at night and Bibbety Bobbety Boo it’s a new dress. He also said she tried to do too much in one day.
Eric Damon, Emmy® Award-winning costume designer, lamented the bad hem, the bad fabric and Helens’ utter lack of time management. Nina said there were so many imperfections that she was going to pen an editorial for Marie Claire about the dress in the September Issue—the largest issue of the year. But, Nina thought the design was interesting, and when Helen began to cry that she would couture until someone pried the sewing needle from her cold dead hand, Nina kinda melted.
Let’s say that again Nina kinda melted.
Helen Up Close: Heidi hated the shredding at the hips, while Nina said Helen’s ambition needs to be celebrated. Heidi asked What happened to Meana Garcia?
Well, apparently she saved Helen from elimination. She’s safe, which I think is her real forte.
"We have to pick the prettiest diamond, and I think that's very superficial…I'm not inspired by money."
And yet he tried out for a design show with a prize package of half-a-million bucks; shut it, Timothy.
While at Mood, Timothy continues to demand more airtime by, almost, dumpster diving for bits and scraps of fabrics, and then finds some loose pieces of Blue Velvet and he’s good to go; I think he spent $4.70.
In the workroom, he has decided to Blue Velvet the model’s boobs, causing Tim to shriek, "Where's the design? Right now, this is one big hot mess." So, Timothy rethinks the minus sign breast plate and comes up with the idea of a racer back. On.The.Front.
My critique? Tim was right; it’s still a hot mess.
The judges don’t understand why Timothy would make a high-necked gown to show off a necklace, but Timothy had a story about a jewelry box and a ballerina and, possibly, a unicorn. Heidi loathed it, but was glad the model had make-up—apparently L’Oreal has animal free make-ups, but their hair products are … ALLEGEDLY … made from the skin and bones of children, so Timothy did nothing to his model’s hair.
The Adorable Zac Posen™ noted the use of the scarps of Blue Velvet and said they had come from his design studio, adding snarkily, ‘We chose not to use it.’ But, he likes the velvet, and hates the racer back front. Nina and guest Judge Eric also bemoaned the bassackwardsness of the top.
Timothy Up Close: The Adorable Zac Posen™ said, “The sewing isn’t bad.” And Meana, er, Nina, replied, “Really?” Heidi and Nina both wondered what kind of bra could be worn with a backwards dress, while The Adorable Zac Posen™ tossed in a ‘Who wore it worse?’
Still, Timothy was safe because, well, there was this …
She was this week’s What Can Go Wrong, Will Go Wrong.
First off, in this one day challenge she picked a silk charmeuse, a fabric she has never used before, and a fabric that, according to other designers and the judges, is very hard to work. Plus she chose a print that Alexander said looked like camouflage only it couldn’t hide the puckers and gaffes Kahindo created.
During his critique, Tim tells her that the silk charmeuse print is kind of hideous, and offers the suggestion of covering it with a sheer green organza fabric to mute the hideousness.
I kind of liked the dress—at first—but it was not a Red Carpet outfit. It was more Discount Shopping At The Rifle Range.
Heidi told her that the dress wasn’t enough; it was simple, and boring, and, quelle horror, off-the-rack. Eric liked the color on a redheaded model, but said the colors did nothing for the diamonds. The Adorable Zac Posen™ said the print was hard to work with, and called it reminiscent of Sand Art, and called the construction bad. He saw Heidi’s off-the-rack and raised her a Sales Dress. Nina thought it was too nice, though there was no excitement; and we all know that nice don’t get you to The Tents.
Kahindo Up Close: The Adorable Zac Posen™ called it ‘too standard’ and when Tim shows them Kahindo’s original print—now hidden beneath organza—the judges gasp and thank him for saving them from seeing it.
So, it was Kahindo who got the Auf.
THE TOP THREE
Sandro is a lunatic. He shouts incoherently—either because of his accent or because he’s a lunatic—at anyone and everyone. Plus—and, I admit I kinda like this part—he’s the Russian Karen Walker from Will & Grace, in that he cannot be bothered to remember anyone’s name. Last week, Jeremy was ‘Irish Guy’ and this week Alexander becomes ‘Red Hair.’
I may start calling him Not Freddie Mercury.
Sandro yells at Ken in the sewing room though we don’t know why, but, Lucky Justin was able to remove his hearing aid and continue; not so the other designers who muttered things like, Ladies! Please!
And then Sandro gets pissy again later on when he asks the other designers how to use the steamer and they all act like they’ve removed their hearing aids as well. Sandro storms out the door, looking for a ‘manager’ and tugs some unsuspecting PR assistant into the work room that cannot help him either. He shouts Thanks for help as the kid wanders out of camera range.
Crazy. But then, on the runway, as Helen is being torn a new one—later on she says she was literally torn in half—Sandro begins to weep as he comes to her defense. Like I said last week, he’s gonna go Amanda Bynes on someone, and perhaps push a sewing machine out a window, or light someone’s design on fire in Heidi’s driveway.
But I digress. His dress; I thought it looked tacky and a little cigarette girl in a Porn Theater.
Eric thinks there are too many lace details, but Heidi—the self-professed boob-obsessed judge—loved the top; she said Sandro tends to do too much, but that this week it worked. The Adorable Zac Posen™ says it borders on trashy, but he liked the non-traditional red carpet fabric, though, he said not knowing of the drama, that Sandro needed to steam it before showing it. Nina liked that it was short, and also loved the fabric choices.
Sandro Up Close: The Adorable Zac Posen™ said it showed good technique and fit the model perfectly, while Eric said he couldn’t tell if it was stripper or chic.
It was, however, safe.
She kinda got the non-edit this week, except for a lengthy Tim critique, so I thought she’d go Middle Ground. But she didn’t; and she did listen to Tim when he told her the double slit that she had planned would make the dress look too beachy, and who—besides me—wears emeralds to the beach? But, I guess because Dom was in beach mode, she put a headband on her girl which read Ooh I got sand in my hair!
She also got the helpful edit when she once again showed Sue how to use the sewing machine and Sue once again never said Thanks! So, we get Dom the Nice, and Sue the Ill-Mannered; I’m wondering if that’s a set-up for a later in the season sewing room showdown.
But enough of that, Howsabout the dress? I thought it was pretty, though I didn’t like the print with the jewels and I was not a fan of the asymmetry.
Nina thought it looked very serious—which caused me to wonder what dress Nina was seeing—and then she added that the print made it fun and youthful. Heidi loved it most of all because it was boob-o-licious and fun and hip, but she hated, hated, the headband. The Adorable Zac Posen™ agreed with that but loved the way the dress moved and how the print worked with the jewelry. Eric called it young and ‘estate chic’ and I thought, What the hell does that mean?
Dom Up Close: Heidi still loves it and Nina likes that Dom took a chance.
To be safe, I’m guessing.
I will say up front that I don’t like her. I don’t like her saying she has to work harder and do more because the judges expect it. I don’t like that she says she’s not a bitch because, clearly, she’s a bitch.
Maybe not. What the hell was this thing? It looked like a sloppy leftover costume from a Les Miserables battle scene; I swear to Mizrahi I thought I saw Seyfried in this in the movie. But Kate had some cock-a-mamie story about Marie Antoinette stealing away in the night wrapped in sheets and jewels. WTF?
It.Was.A.Costume. Which we could tell because Eric, the costume deigning judge, said so. Still, Heidi loved it; loved the color with the jewels, and loved the corset—which, interestingly enough—was the exact same corset Kate made in her previous season on the challenge to create a dress for Heidi; and she won that challenge. Yeah, Kate totally manipulated that. Bitch.
Eric, in addition to praising Kate’s costume, liked the color with the jewels, while Nina greed, though she noticed some flaws in the dress—like it was the exact same corset … I’ll stop.
The Adorable Zac Posen™ loved the color and, well, loved the asymmetry and the transparency of the corset which was the exact same corset she … I’ll.Stop.
But not before I’ll add that many of the other designers—and yet, not one single judge—said the dress was very reminiscent of Vivienne Westwood. And it was the exact same corset …. STOP!
Kate Up Close: Heidi calls it beautiful, again, while Eric calls it The New World—so, what? She’s Columbus now? The Adorable Zac Posen™ says it has effect; it effectively spoiled my lunch.
But Kate gets the win and I throw a shoe at my TV.
I would have put Jeremy and Bradon in the Top Three over Sandro and Dom, and been very happy if either one of them had won over Kate who made the same-----
The Go card. I like the idea of them budgeting their own money, and I like that they are given spending guidelines each week. That said, I really want to see one of them spend all their cash and end up creating something out of a Belk purse and some shoes. That would be fun.
Sandro gives divas a bad name; I am so ready for his ‘storm off’.
Sue. For the love of god woman, you’re a designer and you can’t thread a bobbin? I mean, I have no idea what a bobbin is, except for that song where the red red robin comes bob bob bobbin along but I am not on the PR. Learn your business.
Timothy needs to pack his unicorn and go. I mean, wasn’t that him using the electric sewing machine this week? I guess his green POV flies out the window when it doesn’t suit him.
What did YOU think?