I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so we know that Lindsay Lohan got a pretty sweet $2 million dollar deal from Oprah and so now she’s looking for a way to spend her wad’o’dough, and she’s thinking … sperm.

Lindsay is ALLEGEDLY thinking that she needs to have a child so she’ll be less likely to steal jewelry, kidnap people, drive drunk, snort cocaine, make bad movies, etc., and now, according to a source — Dina Lohan — Lindsay has approached several male friends and asked them to be sperm donors:

“She thinks having a baby will keep her on the straight and narrow! She has it in her head that she’s totally clean, and wants a baby because she feels it’s the one thing that would keep her grounded. She’s talked about having a baby before, which we all thought was ridiculous and we still can’t believe she’s thinking about it now – but she’s actively trying to recruit sperm-daddies!”

Um California, I know you’ve had issues with Lohan in the past and seem to have a special place in your legal heart for her because she rarely gets punished for anything she does, but if you let Lohan become a parent then I may have to ask for your secession.

And speaking of Lohan and Oprah, the Big O is getting a lot of heat for paying Lohan the 2 mil for the interview/reality show docu-series. But that’s nothing compared to what a former co-star is saying about her.

Rae Dawn Chong co- starred with O in the The Color Purple so before we get to the juice, let’s talk smack about Oprah and the movie. See, Oprah was sure that Purple would make her a huge star, in more ways than one, and while she was making the film she begged Steven Spielberg to put her name above the title alongside Whoopi and Danny Glover on the movie poster. Spielberg said, and I quote, “Who are you and why are you eating all the cookies?” 

And then he said, ‘No.’

But on the last season of the Oprah show, when Big O was having a Purple reunion, Purple producer Quincy Jones finally caved and presented O with a movie poster that had her name on it. It was ridiculous.

And here’s where we get to Chong.   While she says Oprah was “lovely” to work with on The Color Purple, it was when Chong did her next film, Commando, with Arnold Schwarzenegger, that O flipped out on her, according to Rae Dawn:

“I starred in Commando. And she just wasn’t having me. She’s competitive. She didn’t like me. She just wasn’t having me. [She was a] total beeyotch. You know what? It was like, ‘F-ck you bitch.’”

Not nice, especially since today it’s mostly, ‘Who is Rae Dawn Chong?’, and with O it’s still, ‘How come you ate all the cookies?”

But then Rae Dawn goes on to praise O, saying “All I can say is she is amazing. I respect her. I think she’s done great things for women of color, for women of a certain size.” Ouch.

Then she flips back: “The thing that’s really great about Oprah, that you can’t take away from her, is that she’s a great brownnoser. If you were in a room with her, she will pick the most powerful person and become best friends with them. When we worked with her, the one thing about Oprah, she was that fat chick that was that cheerleader, or the wannabe cheerleader in school, that was the student council president that was best friends with the principal…she was that fat chick in school that did everything and everybody loved her. That’s Oprah. Love me, love me, love me. You gotta respect her, no matter how vile she is, ‘ cause ultimately she’s all about Oprah and she’s boring.”

Wow. But then it goes on; when asked to rate Oprah’s looks on a scale of 1-10, Rae Dawn says O is a ‘4’: “If  you look at the way she looks, she looks like 60 years ago she would have been a housekeeper, luckily. She would not have been a house n—-r. She would have been a field n—-r.”

Chong’s agent — apparently with a straight face — insists that Chong wasn’t saying anything terrible and that you have to “listen to the whole interview” and that all of these parts were — get ready for this classic — “out of context.”

And Chong took to Twitter to insist, “In context, I was actually complimenting Oprah.”

WTF. I’d hate to see what Rae dawn has to say about you when she’s knocking you down.

Kanye West is a big fat douche.

He hates paparazzi, and even writes raps about how much he hates them, and then he goes and sperminates the biggest paparazzi-loving whore on the planet.

Big fat stupid douche; and to prove that, Kanye apparently, not ALLEGEDLY, started a fight a paparazzo, Daniel Ramos, at LAX last weekend.

It all started when the guy began to question Kanye and Kanye wouldn’t talk, and then muttered something about how the photographer was trying to rile him up so he’d do something stupid: “You’re trying to get me in trouble so I have to pay you, like, $250,000.”

And then he did the something stupid. He tackled the paparazzi and tried to take his camera, which, in my world, means he assaulted the man and tried to rob him.

According to sources — the thirty or so other paparazzi who were there that night — Kanye “shoved [Ramos] to the ground, yelling at him” after the guy tried to take his photo. Kanye "grabbed his shoulders and punched him.” Paramedics were called to the scene and now the paparazzo wants to press charges for what could be felony assault.

Although I wish he’d get arrested and tried for assault, this is California, where Lohan gets away with actual murder — I mean, c’mon, she singlehandedly killed her career — so I don’t expect Kimmy’s Baby Daddy to get actual jail time.

Sadly.

UPDATE: Apparently Kanye makes enough money off his, um, music to afford a really good attorney because law enforcement sources say it’s virtually certain he will not  be charged with any crime in connection with his assault on the photographer.

So Kanye will skate and quite probably beat up another paparazzi.

Sadly.

Kris Jenner’s new talk show Kris! is so low rent even baby North West will not come on, which caused Granny Kris to steal a baby from someone on her staff and pretend it was North. Still, I bet Kim comes on soon and talks all about being a mommy because, well, she’s the first woman to ever give birth.

But the funny part of the story is the reviews for Jenner’s show; most are bad, some are downright nasty.

Linda Stasi, from the New York Post, said Jenner had as much right hosting a show as her ‘talentless daughter had for hosting a talent show’ and that she comes across as a ‘demented Norma Desmond.’

Hey! I know Norma Desmond and Kris Jenner? You, sir are no Norma Desmond!

I digress. Kris was said to be so incensed by Stasi’s review that she tried to bribe her way to a better one by sending gifts and a passive-aggressive note. She sent Linda Stasi a dozen Magnolia cupcakes, a $325 sterling silver Tiffany pen, and a note saying, Stasi should use the pen to write a ‘better review next time.’

Not smart Kris, because Stasi wrote another column, talking about the bribes Jenner had sent, and ended with this: ‘I cannot be bought for a pen. A pen and pencil set, maybe, but just a pen? To improve your ratings, Mrs. Jenner, either you somehow become interesting, which given the data seems as likely as the pope turning Jewish, or you do better with the bribes.’

Funny, cuz it’s true.

So, Barbara Walters was all about The Bay this week on The View, mainly because ABC decided to throw her a bone and let her anchor a news special about the birth of a child.

And on The View she went on and on and on about the baby while across the table Whoopi Goldberg — like me — rolled her and said she just didn’t care.

Well, Babs doesn’t like her minions deriding the twilight of her career, so she took a little jab at Whoopi on air, saying, as she leaned across the table and looked at Goldberg, “I would really like to talk about tonight. Whoopi will not be watching, but we hope you will, and we hope there are a lot of people who give a damn, because we’ve worked hard on this.”

As Babs plugged her show — because her time on TV is almost done —Goldberg looked off set to make a face.

After the show, Barbara apparently was quite angry with Whoopi for being, um, Whoopi, and chastised her again, which, according to the New York Post, ended up with Whoopi saying something like, ‘I can’t wait until you’re gone, you Apple Granny looking mother**ker.’

Or something.

A source — and it could be Behar, since she’s also leaving the show — says Whoopi ranted backstage, “I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t wait till she retires. I’m tired of her cutting me off.”

But, in true Whoopi fashion, when asked to comment on the story, she replied, “Who the f**k told you this? I don’t rant at ‘The View’ for seven minutes for any reason. That would not have come out of my mouth, especially not at ‘The View.’ I’m not stupid.”

Still, I have seen Whoopi roll her eyes when Barbara goes off on one of her WTF tangents so I can see her getting annoyed when Grandma starts riffin' during Hot Topics.

Just sayin’.

Will Smith is somewhere stomping his feet right now. First, his latest bombed worse than a Lindsay Lohan Liz Taylor Lifetime bio-pic, and now the not-Scientology school that he and his wife, Jada, founded in 2008 has gone belly up.

The school—in Calabassas, California—was  called the New Village Learning Academy, and while they didn’t equate themselves with Scientology, they used only Scientology teaching methods, including something called Study Tech—which may or may not be a school on a spaceship somewhere—or might actually be an unproven educational concept developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

And the staff at not-Scientology School? Most were Scientologists. In fact, the original principal, an actual not-Scientologist was replaced by a Scientologist when she started to question the use of Scientology teaching methods.

Is it surprising? Well, not when you realize that Will Smith has lost some of his mojo, and not when you realize that people—the not-Scientologists—are becoming more and more leery of anything Scientology-related. But still, it’s got to be a blow for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who poured their own millions into the school, and who sent their own children there, until they realized their children would be better served by working.

As described in its tax returns, the school took in $1,235,000 from the Smiths’ WJS Trust to get the academy going in 2008 and then the Smiths financed the first three years of the school. But contributions kept going down—like a Will Smith box office—and now the not-Scientologists have to find a new place where they can be taught by Scientologists using Scientology methods in a not-Scientologist school.

Just sayin’.

There's a story, or stories, going around about the ALLEGED hook-up-booty-calls between Eva Longoria and George Clooney while Clooney's soon-to-be ex Stacey Kiebler was out of town. And we learned that Eva don’t like being booty called and told George no more hook-ups till Stacey was gone.

Shorthanded: Clooney took too long dumping Kiebler and Longoria found someone newer, and younger, and, yes, taller; Ernesto Arguello. And the theory is that Eva picked up Ernesto—who was a contestant on her failed dating-reality show—when Clooney wouldn’t dump Stacey and that Eva has taken to “flaunting” Ernesto all over the place so Clooney would get jealous.

Now, Clooney could get jealous, because of the younger and taller and newer boyfriend, but, um, Eva? Your new boy-toy is $4 million in debt so I imagine Clooney is laughing all the way to his overflowing bank.

Still, Eva wants this relationship to work so she is having a part written for Ernesto on the show she’s producing, Devious Maids he can start contributing financially to their budding union.

And does it remind anyone else of that JLo/Casper mess? Hiring the boyfriend—i.e. putting him on your payroll—so he can help with the bills? I mean, why not just cut him a check for being around to bone you and then he wouldn’t have to work. He could just be your beck-and-call-boy.

And let’s not ignore the fact that he’s pinging on my Gaydar like a game-show bell ringer.