Why Is It ...

… that I haven’t been able to teach my body that the fight or flight response is supposed to be for life or death situations, and not answering an email.

… that whenever I see two people arguing online I believe whoever spells correctly.

… that blocking someone on social media isn’t enough; I want them to have lice.

… that every so often I burn sage in the house and then I pass out because I’m the negative energy

… that when life gives me lemons I just eat them whole; I choke that lemon down … skin, pulp, pith, seeds, and all. And I don’t break eye contact with the lemon. I figure life will stop being a bitch if I show it that I am done fucking around.

… that no one seems to be aware that, for me, the lack of coffee may cause memory loss and sometimes memory loss.

… that it took me this long to realize I have just Three Moods: What the Fuck? Are you Fucking kidding me? And Fuck this.

… that those who like my social media posts are happier, more intelligent and better looking than those who don’t … according to a study I made up in my head.

… that being human is sometimes so miserable that I’d rather be a baby hippo who is allowed to bite everyone.