Oscarvations

Well, here we are again … the 97^th Academy Awards and me, writing my 97^th post about show; okay, so it feels like I’ve been blogging for 97b years! It was a good show, not a great show, and had some fun and funny  moments and some STFU moments, and good fashion and bad fashion, so let’s rip …

The show opened with what I thought was going to be about the recent fires in LA and rebuilding the city but then we had Ariana Grande, in ruby slippers no less, onstage singing ‘Over the Rainbow’ from The Wizard of Oz quite beautifully, followed by Cynthia Erivo giving her gorgeous rendition of ‘Home’ from The Wiz. Then the two united and sang ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked; beautifully done, though of course this queen loved anything Oz-ish.

Conan O’Brien was host and we see a stage hand knocking on his dressing room but he’s not inside. Instead it’s Demi Moore from The Substance giving herself the shot and then collapsing on the floor. Her back rips open and out crawls … Conan, ready to host except … he lost a show. So he dips back into Demi, literally, and retrieves the footwear before heading to the stage  to a voiceover …

Please welcome to the stage, a four-time Oscar … viewer!

And Conan hit the stage …

Hi, Demi. How are you? That was weird. Yeah, awkward. I’m missing some car keys.

Welcome to the 97th Academy Awards. It’s Hollywood’s biggest night, starting at four in the afternoon. Everyone here just had brunch — I don’t understand it.

O’Brien did an extended bit with Adam Sandler, wearing a hoodie and basketball shorts in the audience, which I thought was going to evolve into a Zelenskyy bit about his lack of wearing a suit to meet The Felon; that was a missed opportunity, I thought. But hey, they can’t all be gems, so let’s dig into the show, with some of Cona’s bits sprinkled throughout.

Robert Downey Jr. presents OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR  … Kieran Culkin for A Real Pain. He reminded his wife of a promise she made:

'About a year ago, I was on a stage like this and I very stupidly, publicly said that I want a third kid from her because she said if I won the award she would give me the kid. Turns out she said that because she didn't think I was gonna win. Later, she goes, "Oh god, I did say that. I guess I owe you a third kid." And I turned to her and I said, "Really, I want four,"' and she said  I will give you four when you win an Oscar.'

Andrew Garfield is out to present with Goldie Hawn and some uneasy banter ensues about her career and how loved she is only making her appear old, which she is; they present … BEST ANIMATED FILM … Flow … and then BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM … In the Shadow of Cypress.

Little fact for you: ‘Anora’ uses the F-word 479 times. That’s three more than the record set by Karla Sofía Gascón’s publicist.

O’Brien then pitched his voice up to imitate Gascón’s reps:

You tweeted WHAT?!

The camera cut to Gascón, who seemed to be in on the joke, making prayer hands.

Karla, if you’re going to tweet about the Oscars, remember, my name is Jimmy Kimmel.

Lily Rose Depp, Elle Fanning, John Lithgow, Connie Nielsen and Bowen Yang all present … OUTSTANDING COSTUME DESIGN … with Bowen wearing his Wicked costume to … Wicked … and to Paul Tazewell—HOT MAN ALERT—the first Black man to ever with the award.

Amy Poehler is up and, as usual, every time I see her on an awards show stage, my first thought is, ‘Where’s Tina Fey?’ … she says she’s ‘honored to be here to present the two most important awards, Most Athletic and Best Hair but first BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY … ‘I believe it was William Shakespeare who said, ‘writing is a bitch’’ … Sean Baker for Anora … then BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … Peter Straughan for Conclave

If you haven’t seen ‘Conclave,’ its tagline is: A movie about the Catholic Church, but don’t worry.

Chalamet will not get hit on his bike ride home tonight in that suit

No Smart phones were allowed on the set of Dune. The director didn’t want them Googling what the film was about.

June Squib and Scarlett Johansson are out to present … June says she got a little makeup done and is actually being played by Nosferatu’s Bill Skarsgård … ‘Half the time you see me in public, it’s Bill Skarsgård. The Real June Squib is at home with a book.’ … BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP … The Substance

Note to Garfield and Hawn: that’s awards show banter.

Another movie nominated for best picture is ‘I’m Still Here.’ Incredible film. It’s about a woman who forges ahead alone after her husband goes missing. When my wife saw it, she called it the feel-good movie of the year.

Amazon has taken over creative control of the 007 franchise. They just announced the next James Bond. It’s Amazon Senior Vice President of Global Affairs Steve Belsky! Ladies love him!

Halle Berry looking stunning in Siriano … pays tribute to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and their Bond franchise that they no longer control with singer Lisa singing ‘Live and Let Die’ … Doja Cat giving us ‘Diamonds are Forever’ while literally dripping in gems and Raye singing ‘Skyfall’ and making me long for Adele. Raye’s good, but, c’mon, Adele.

Conan shows off his new film viewing service, Cinemastream … a movie theater screen made up entirely of cell phones for people who don’t go to the movies but watch them on a 3’ by 5” screen.

Timothée Chalamet is nominated for his portrayal of Bob Dylan in A Complete Unknown. Bob Dylan wanted to be here tonight, but not that badly.

Daryl Hannah is out to present but first says Slava Ukraini, the battle cry of the Ukrainian military in one of the very few political references last night … ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING … Anora and Sean Baker again!

Da'Vine Joy Randolph … BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS …  Zoe Saldaña … Emilia Pérez … My fellow nominees, the love and community you showed me, I will pay it forward. Zoe thanks her husband—HOT MAN ALERT—Marco Perego-Saldaña before saying she is the American of Dominican origin to win that award.

Ben Stiller, whom I do not find funny at all, won me over a bit last night after the stage got stuck lifting him up to present so he had to hop up and down before finally crawling out … BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN … Wicked

Mick Jagger … all 81-spry-years of him … stayed tuned later this week for a Tale of Carlos about Mick …is out to present BEST ORIGINAL SONG … I wasn’t the first choice to present this award the producers wanted Bob Dylan but he refused saying the best songs were in A Complete Unknown and he suggested they find somebody younger … so here I am … to—HOT MAN ALERT—Clement Ducol—Camille, and Jaques Audiard for ‘El Mal,’  Emilia Pérez

I really liked Babygirl … in which Antonio Banderas plays a man who doesn’t know how to give his wife an orgasm. He described it as the most challenging role of his career.”

A complete unknown and a real Nosferatu; just some of the names I was called on the red carpet tonight.

Selena Gomez and Samuel L. Jackson … BEST DOCUMENTARY  SHORT FILM … The Only Girl in the Orchestra … Molly O’Brien and Lisa Remington … and BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE … No Other Land … Basel Adra, Rachel Szor, Hamdan  Ballal, Yuval Abraham

Next up was a Salute to LA Firefighters … after the longest ovation of the night, deservedly so, Conan asks three of them to tell a joke even he wouldn’t say:

Our hearts go out to those who lost their homes and I’m talking about the producers of Joker 2.

To play Bob Dylan Timothee Chalamet had to learn to sing, in fact his signing was so good he almost lost the part.

It’s great to be back with Conan. Usually when he calls he’s stuck in a tree

Miles Teller and Miley Cyrus … two  of my least favorites who seem to think everyone loves them … got news for you, they don’t … BEST SOUND … Dune Pt 2 … Gareth John, Richard King, Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill

At the first Oscars Emil Janning won for The Way of the Flesh and two years later he won for the sequel, The Way of the Flesh 2: Electric Flesh-aloo.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is so prestigious and it’s also a sidewalk.

We’re at the halfway point of the show so it’s time for Kendrick Lamar to come out and call Drake a pedophile.

Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot … BEST VISUAL EFFECTS … Dune Pt 2 … Paul Lambert, Stephen, Rhys Salcombe, Gred Nefzer … followed by Ana de Armas and—HOT MAN ALERT—Sterling K BROWN … BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … I’m Not A Robot … Victoria Warmerdam and Trent.

Morgan Freeman is out to pay tribute to recently deceased Gene Hackman and then we get The Death Crawl In Memoriam … with a choir … I haven’t heard tell of who got left out of the tribute … yet.

Joe Alwynn—HOT MAN ALERT—Alba Rohrwacher, Zoe Saldaña, Dave Bautista and Willem Dafoe present OUTSTANDING CINEMATOGRAPHY … The Brutalist, Lol Crawley

I loved ‘The Brutalist,’ I really did. I didn’t want it to end, and luckily, it didn’t.

MARK Hamill … looking rode and put away wet … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE … The Brutalist Daniel Blumberg

Oprah Winfrey … goddess why is she here … and Whoopi Goldberg salute the career of Quincy Jones before Queen Latifah … why … performs  Ease on Down The Road why … in some sort of Tin Man madness.

If your speech goes on too long we cut to John Lithgow looking slightly disappointed …or show one of your old had shots … Chalamet in the womb .

Penelope Cruz presents BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM …  I’m Still Here … Brazil

If you’re still enjoying the show you have something called Stockholm Syndrome.

Cillian Murphy … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A LEAD ROLE … Adrien Brody—whom I find very hot—The Brutalist … spoke of gratitude and respect and getting along and divisive times and uniting and working together and acting and his parent … in what would have been a good speech if it wasn’t so long that the orchestra attempted to play him off … twice!

Quentin Tarantino … loathsome … full of himself ….obnoxious …. BEST DIRECTOR … Sean Baker, Anora … again … who pleads for people to go to the movies and enjoy film on a big screen

Emma Stone … last year’s winner … OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A LEAD ROLE … Mikey Madison, Anora … I had expected Demi Moore to win since she’d won so many awards this year for The Substance …but Mikey read a nice handwritten looooong speech or her college thesis

Anora’s doing well tonight. It picked up two awards, I guess we’re happy to finally see someone stand up to a Russian.

Meg Ryan, finally settling into her new face, and Billy Crystal, the greatest Oscars host ever … I used to work here … … BEST PICTURE … Anora, Sean Baker—his fourth Oscar of the night, Samantha Quan and Alex Coco … who pleaded for more independent films to be made.

And … it was an okay show, no real drama, some funny bits, no surprise except for Demi Moore losing … all in all, I’d give it a Meh+ … goodnight!