It's Snarkurday!

Jennifer Garner is getting the Poor Jen read after her marriage to Ben Affleck crumbled under the weight of NannyGate, but is she really all that innocent?

Garner was once married to Scott Foley when she was ALLEGED to have done the nasty with her Alias co-star, Michael Vartan; Foley says the breakup was due to the pressures of stardom, but were they really "stars"? I think not. And then there’s the tale that Garner dumped Vartan the minute she hooked up with Affleck, and there may have been some overlap in bang time there. In fact, during a 2013 interview, when Jen was with Michael and Ben was with JLo, the duo was very openly flirtatious, so maybe ….

But now it appears that Garner has taken a step back, er, backwards, and has reconnected with Vartan and is “secretly hooking up” with him as he also deals with a broken marriage of his own

Well, I say, good for her, because at least Vartan isn’t the Garner-Affleck pool boy because schtupping the help is Ben’s area of expertise.

Okay … ALLEGEDLY.

Rumor has it that Susan Sarandon, who recently broke up with her table-tennis boy-toy, has set her sights on Jake Gyllenhaal.

B*tch! Jake is 32 years younger than Susan, who met him and smiled at him, and even kinda cuddled him, at the Southpaw premiere, which is what started all the rumors.

A source — and it could be Dina Lohan speaking to us from the bottom of a box of Chardonnay — says:

“The rumor is they’ve been hooking up on the down-low.”

Can’t we just say that Jake is on the down low? Can’t I just have that much?

There are always so many Kylie Jenner stories these days since she finally became of legal age … like the one that says Kylie is two months pregnant with Tyga’s baby, but they waited until she was 18 before telling anyone because, well, statutory rape.

But that’s apparently not a true tall tale, though what might be true is that now that Kylie is no longer jail bait, Tyga can actually appear on Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes and is set to make some $500,000 a year on the show.

It’s his romance with Kylie that has spurred the talk to get him on the show, and has spurred That Woman … That Mother … to invite him on their Bora Bora vacation.

It looks like Kylie is the one getting pimped out now that Kim is married for longer than a minute, and Khloe is busy with her lip injections and Kourtney is not yet divorced and Kendall doesn’t want to be a Kardastrophe.

Who else can That Woman pimp out?

Whatever happened to Mel Gibson? I mean, he was a huge movie star and everybody loved him until he got busted for a DUI and gave that epic anti-Semitic rant.

Then the confirmed Catholic divorced his wife to hook-up with his Baby Mama and that didn’t last. And so he made a couple of movies that went nowhere, and so, since his career has never been the same, what is Mel to do?

Mel, who is fifty-nine, is Australia right now with his 24-year-old girlfriend, Rosalind Ross, on a “working” vacation, though they mostly seemed to be out and about posing for the paparazzi. And that’s where Mel got ugly … again.

Mel and Rosalind were getting snapped by photographer Krista Miller when he went ape-shit, er, Mel-shit, and now Krista is telling the tale.

She took a picture of the couple on the street when Mel claimed she invaded his space and went off:

“I took a photo of Mel and his girlfriend and when I turned around he shoved my back really hard. It shocked me because I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t know if it was his hands or elbow. I thought he was going to punch me in the face. He was spitting in my face as he was yelling at me, calling me a dog, saying I’m not even a human being and I will go to hell. He swore and called me a c**t. It was non-stop, he didn’t even breathe.”

Finally he stopped after his 35-years-younger girlfriend told him to snap out of it.

Yeah, it takes a twenty-something to keep a nearly sixty-something Mel Gibson in line. I wonder if she’s more nanny than girlfriend?

Miller reported the incident to the police, who are investigating and hoping to find some camera footage of the incident. Meanwhile, Mel’s’ ‘people,’ and that may be just a bartender at his local pub, is saying that nothing happened; nothing at all.

Like his career?

Justin Bieber has a new song coming out and his representatives aren’t taking any chances that he’ll do something stupid and ruin the money train they’re all riding so they have scheduled no live interviews with the little brat.

Too bad they can’t so the same thing for his, um, singing?

Well, it looks like Terrence Howard’s ongoing personal drama — he is in the midst of divorcing his third wife, while still fighting the divorce settlement with Wife #2 — is affecting his role on FOX’s Empire.

Apparently Howard’s role on the show will be “scaled back” this season because of his ongoing courtroom battles and the resurfacing of domestic violence allegations.

At the end of last season, Howard’s character Lucious Lyon was arrested for murder, so maybe it’ll be easy to film without Howard.

A source — and it may be Cookie or it may be Boo Boo Kitty — says:

“What they are doing is two-fold. They have him locked up so you won’t be seeing him in as many scenes. But they are bringing in so many, and I mean so many, guest stars and cameos that the average viewer won’t realize it because there is so much going on.”

Guest stars like Mimi and Pitbull, Chris Rock, Ludacris, Alicia Keys, Lenny Kravitz and Marisa Tomei.

But that doesn’t matter to me because the best part of this — besides less Howard, an actor I find sleazy even when he’s not playing sleazy — is that Taraji P. Henson’s role as Cookie Lyon will be beefed up.

More Cookie is always good.

Well well well … look who’s back: Lindsay Lohan.

So, we know that Lindsay is now the European Unions’ problem, no? And we’re fine with that, yes?

She considers London to be her home, but has spent the summer partying on the continent, and recently attended a wedding in Florence where, as in typical I wanna be the star fashion, Lohan showed up in a long white gown with a tiara in her head.

Uh huh.

And while at the wedding Lohan also acted the fool, and since the rumors of her bad behavior broke, she is now claiming that “someone” drugged her at the wedding.

Sidenote: does anyone know it Cosby was in attendance?

Anyway, after being drugged [?] at the wedding, Lohan apparently went back to her villa at El Motel Sesso, and was running around naked saying she was drugged.

But that wasn’t all … during the actual ceremony Lohan ALLEGEDLY passed the time painting her nails. And then, at the reception, she fumed because someone took her picture, and began shrieking, in a British accent — wait, so she’s Madonna, now? — “Who took my photo?” and then commandeered the DJ booth so she could play Brandy’s ‘The Boy Is Mine’ over and over again.

Oh, and then she claimed that someone stole her jewelry while she partied, which is odd because usually it’s Lohan who cops the gems.

So, does anyone really believe that anyone other than Lohan drugged Lohan? Does anyone else wonder why you’d play ‘This Boy Is Mine’ at a wedding unless you were trying to send the bride a message … especially when you showed up wearing white?

God, how I have missed my Lohan!