It's Snarkurday!

Christine Ouzounian, the former nanny who worked Jen Garner while she … ALLEGEDLY … schtupped Jen’s husband, Ben Affleck and was fired, loves all the media attention she’s getting.

She gets photographed a lot — usually after she calls the paparazzi with her whereabouts — putting gas in her new Lexus and has actually called the police to help her get away from the horde of shutterbugs she summed to watch her walk to her car; and let’s not even talk about the two, oh wait, now it’s three, bikini photo shoots she’s done since being outed as The Other Woman.

So, in case y’all forget, it’s Ouzounian who is keeping the “Affleck slept with the nanny” story alive and her name in the tabloids though maybe she’s had some help from Ben who might have bought her that new car and might be for her stay at the Bel Air Hotel.

Except the hotel, via a source — and it ain’t Lohan because she can’t afford four-star accommodations — says Ben “did not cover the Bel-Air bill. You would not find his card there, plain and simple.”

Wait. So his card wasn’t there? Well, howsabout his cash? Howsabout, ALLEGEDLY, billing the nanny’s stay to his manager and then paying the manager off?

Uh huh.

Madonna has always been known as a type-A perfectionist … or a bitch. You decide. And now comes word that she’s bringing her C U Next Tuesday-ness to her Rebel Heart Tour and her crew has just about had it.

According to an insider:

“Madonna is a real piece of work. On Monday night, the dancers declared mutiny on Madonna because she is working them way too hard. One dancer even went so far as to take off his credentials, throw it in her face and say, ‘F*ck you. I quit!’ She had to call security to protect her and escort her remaining dancers out! On another occasion, one of her dancers broke her arm during rehearsals and instead of showing concern, Madonna had a nuclear meltdown.”

But it gets uglier:

“Everyone is required to wear black head-to-toe at all times and she has said, in her own words, that there are ‘no fat c*nts allowed in her presence.’”

So is she a perfectionist, or is she a bitch who’s so concerned about the flopitude of the album Rebel Heart that she’s gone nuts with rehearsals for her upcoming tour?

I think you know.

In July 2014, Sherri Shepherd’s lawyers filed paperwork in her then-ongoing divorce battle with her husband, Lamar Sally stating that she did not want any part of the child she and Lamar were expecting via a surrogate because she’s a Christian! Or something.

Sherri claimed that Lamar was using the baby in an attempt to defraud her into paying his way for life, through child support and she wasn’t having it … except now a judge has ruled that Sherri is the baby mama, and since she doesn’t want the baby, she’ll be paying child support to Lamar, unless she can prove fraud. But that’s impossible when you go back in time to read all the interviews she gave where she talked endlessly about wanting this baby.

It’s very clear that, now, she doesn’t want the child because she might have to actually pay for it and she’s more about the coins than the children.

But remember, she’s a Good Christian … like Josh Duggar is a Good Christian.

Sharon Stone has had a varied career: Basic Instinct, an Oscar nomination for Casino … and then there was Catwoman, Basic Instinct 2, Diabolique, Sliver, Intersection, Gloria, and Allan Quatermain. But still, given all those bombs, Stone is now saying the worst thing that ever happened to her was a role on Law & Order: SVU.

Quelle horrors. Whilst posing nude for “Harper’s Bazaar” Stone discussed her humiliation at being on Law & Order and says her career had hit rock bottom when she got that script, but she had to do it to make that money.

“That was humiliating. Having worked with the finest people in the industry, I was like, ‘Wow, I’m really at the back of the line here. I’m wearing L’eggs panty hose, and in makeup they start out by putting this white primer on my face.’ I’m like, ‘This is so bad. What did I do to deserve this?’ “

But, ever the trooper, Stone endured the show:

“I thought, ‘You know what? I got thrown off the bullet train, and now I’m going to have to crawl up a hill of broken glass, get back on the train that’s going a million miles an hour, and work my way from the cattle car up. That’s just the way it is, so I’d better get humble and shut the fuck up and do the job. Because if I can’t do this job, I’m certainly not going to be able to do anything else.’ “

And she did it! She suffered through the humiliation of being on a hit TV show when the movies stopped calling; she suffered through the indignation of L’Eggs pantyhose and is now back to posing nude in a magazine. She’s fought back, tooth and nail to find herself once again staring in a lead role in a multi-million-dollar Oscar-worthy film role as … wait, what?

Oh, this Fall Sharon Stone will be starring in a new show for TNT and as a spokesperson for Restylane.

Yeah, she’s back, baby!

From the It Pays To Be A Celebrity File:

I posted this story already, but here’s a recap and an update: Earlier this year at Sundance, actor Emile Hirsch was accused of assaulting Dani Bernfeld, a Paramount VP. He was ALLEGEDLY very drunk and very pissy when he began “aggressively picking on” Bernfeld, He began by shouting at her for being a “rich kid” and “so tough” and then put her in a headlock until she passed out, at which point he body slammed her to the ground.

Dani recovered; Emile was charged with felony assault; Emile checked himself into alcohol rehab. And then came the trial, and his punishment for attacking a woman and choking her into unconsciousness,

Hirsch was sentenced to 15 days in jail and must pay a $4,750 fine and do 50 hours of community service.

Naturally, Dani Bernfeld isn’t happy:

“This act of violence has greater implications than the physical injuries I sustained. The long-lasting effects of this assault will remain with me. Mr. Hirsch’s plea, however, provides that in 90 days his case will be dismissed without record. There is no assurance that he will serve any of the 15 days of jail time associated with his plea. Quite simply, this punishment does not fit the crime. While I appreciate that the court is trying to send a message to Mr. Hirsch, the message to him and those who may follow needs to be louder and stronger.”

But, hey, he’s an actor, right?

Speaking of spoiled self-indulgent entitled celebrities: Jason Derulo.

Who? Yeah. The 25-year-old singer and his posse were kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight Saturday, after he and his bodyguard got into a verbal spat with an airline employee before boarding the jet.

It all began when Derulo’s team requested an escort, and preferred boarding, and were denied and they believed they were being treated unfairly because, you know, Jason Derulo.

Who? I said. When Derulo’s team voiced their concerns rather rudely and loudly they were told they could not fly but then proceeded to the plane anyway. At that point the Southwest agent called the authorities and removed them. Derulo and company opted to fly private, and  then he offered up his side of the story.

According to Jason’s rep, TSA precheck was down and Derulo and company were in too much of a hurry to do what every single other passenger boarding the plane was doing because, Jason Derulo.

Who? Wait. So, when told they had to wait, “someone” in the group said “bullshit” and the group was bounced.

Um, lemme see …. You say “bullshit” in an airport and you can’t board a plane? Uh huh.  I’d be on a no-fly list permanently.

So, Alec Baldwin hasn’t beat up a paparazzi lately, or had a meltdown on the street so maybe he’s settled down? Or, and this is probably more apt, maybe he’s too busy working to pay for the five nannies his wife Hilaria hired to take care of their two children.

Now, to be fair, maybe the Baldwin’s are both too busy with work that they need these five extra people to care for their children, and, well, they can no doubt afford, but when Hilaria Instagrammed a thank you to the Five Nannies — Lizzy, Sandra, Zena, Lisa and Avril — it created a social media storm requiring an explanation.

Hilaria posted her answer to Instagram and want y’all to know that not all five women are nannies … some are “babysitters.”

Oh ….

While divorcing his third wife, Terence Howard is also still in the middle of divorcing his second wife, Michelle Ghent and it is still all kinds of ugly.

At a hearing last week new testimony ran the gamut from suicide threats to drug use to blackmail to the, wait, what, Holocaust when Howard compared of giving in to ALLEGED blackmail threats from Ghent to  “the Jews giving in to the Germans [and going] to Auschwitz.”

Yup, the holocaust. And then to make matters worse, Howard continually interrupted the judge, often shrieking at him that the hearing was an “ambush” until the judge, and it should’a been Judy, told him to “learn some restraint.”

Howard talked about he and Ghent’s drug use — weed, coke and ecstasy — as the “only times [we were happy]” and talked of the threesome he and his wife had, and the time his wife had to Mace him and his family during a vacation.

Lovely, no? And then Ghent brought out the recordings and texts Howard sent her:

“I’m sitting here at lunch hoping you’ll call … every minute of every day I feel like putting an end to this miserable existence … every lie I’ve told to you are equal in my mind to putting bullets into a clip and firing them at my future. … I am devastated by my stupidity.”

 “I couldn’t do anything but sit there [looking] at a f—ing razor blade … I just wanted to die … I’ll look for you in my next lifetime.”

“So if you are planning on living without me, you should have someone put me out of my misery.”

And when that didn’t work, he went all Boiling The Bunny on Ghent:

“I will never allow another man to be with you. Whoever tried to take my life will lose his existence.”

“I will never allow a restraining order or anything to keep me from my wife.”

And then he claimed to be in fear of his wife:

“I loved her and was also afraid of her. Love is a very complicated thing. … I was in love with the person who [was holding me] captive.”

Wait. Isn’t that from an Empire episode?

Howard also admitted to Ghent that he would leave his now third ex-wife Mira Pak if Ghent would only come back to him — Howard and Pak married after dating for four weeks, had a kid and are now divorcing.

Yup, only in Hollywood can you still be fighting with your second ex-wife in divorce court while being sued for divorce from your third ex-wife.