A Grammy Stream Of Consciousness

I went all gaga as the show opened....As a former naysayer to all things GaGa, I have come around....I still don't "get" the weird outfits, but, dayum, girl can sang....And put on a show....And give us a GaGa-fied Elton John....I think This is gonna be good but then....Stephen Colbert? Yes....When I think Grammy's....When I think music....I think comedic hack....No...I don't....Five minutes in and the cringing begins.....SONG OF THE YEAR....to Beyoncé for Single Ladies....Love the song, though Beyoncé is dangerously overexposed....More on that later....Suddenly we have JLo....Is she gonna sing?...Thank goddess, No....She's just an intro-girl....For Green Day and the B'way cast of American Idiot....Note to Green Day: don't sing with B'way singers because, well, you just can't....Mr. Fergie and some girl come out to whore some movie and ask me to vote on which Bon Jovi song I wanna hear them sing live....But I cast my vote to have Jon Bon Jovi sing nekkid because that's how I roll....I'm not sure my vote counted....BEST COUNTRY ALBUM....Taylor Swift....Seriously?....Now, I am no country music, whaddyacallit, afficionado, but isn't Taylor Swift a little less country and a little more inane bubblegum pop....She's like a not slutty Mylie Cyrus....And I am so over her "Who? Me? I won?" brand of insincere hokum....I so wanted Kanye to come out onstage and beat her over the head with that tiny golden victrola statue....But alas, no Kanye, no drama....HOT FLASH...Simon Baker....HOT FLASH.....He intro's Beyoncé....Who Tyra's down the aisle with her army of minions....It's nice to see she brings her own wind machine....Now, I don't dislike Beyoncé, but, sheesh, girl, bring out a cast of thousands, throw in some fake audience participation, toss in the kitchen sink....Way to keep it simple....Next time, B, just sing....And, you at home?....The next time you kvetch and kmoan about how long these shows are, blame people like Beyoncé, who give twenty minute versions of two-minute songs....I did love her ending though, with the patented Miss Diana Ross Wing Span!.....Dee.Vah......HOT FLASH...Seal...HOT FLASH....offers up Pink....The anti-Beyoncé....It's just Pink....Just singing....Just looking fabulous....Then she strips down into a strappy little glitter number and goes all Pink du Soleil....Spinning overhead....Singing while spinning overhead....All wrapped up in a giant sling....No, not that kind....And then Pink gets herself baptized onstage....She's spinniung again....She's raining on the crowd....She is a hurricane...She is fan-freakin-tastic...So, yeah, um, take note Beyoncé...That's entertainment...Leave the wind machine and the platoons at home next time and just sing....HOT FLASH...Keith Urban...HOT FLASH....BEST NEW ARTIST....Zac Brown Band....Okay, a little country, a little grunge....Okay...I'm gettin' it....Mylie Cyrus....Trying hard not to look like a teen prostitute....Then she opens her mouth and intro's the Black Eyed Peas....To sing the most overheard, overrated, overplayed, overannoying song of the decade...And we're just....One.Month.In....Seriously, I don't get the appeal....And what's with the guys in tin foil and cardboard....I was wearing that for Halloween when I was six and wanted to be a robot....I gotta feeling that this song won't soon go away....The Jonas brothers...The cute one...The dorky cute one...The not-dorky-not-cute one....Who, when he said "s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-stunning" I said "Ping!"....They intro Lady Antebellum and I said "Twang!"....Some TV comedy girl and....HOT FLASH...Juanes...HOT FLASH....I met him once in Miami....He's quite nice....he's so, mmmmm, Latin....and, of course, he's very hot....Juanes is a Triple threat....COMEDY ALBUM...My girl Kathy is up, but Nooooooooo....The Grammy goes all Stephen Colbert....I was hoping Kathy would beat him to the stage and tell him to suck it!....Norah Jones and Ringo Starr....The Young and the Talentless....I mean, c'mon, what has Ringo really done since The Beatles broke up....Crickets....Crickets....RECORD OF THE YEAR....all of the nominees are divas....Except for someone, or someones, called Kings Of Leon....And.They.Win.....Howard? Help a gay out here....Who are they?....All I got was bad hair and ill-fitting suits and a drunk joke....HOT FLASH...Robert Downey Jr...HOT FLASH....Am I glad to see him....He intro's opera....Which turns into Jamie Foxx....Who I think is the most hysterical man EVER....When.He."Sings"....Thanks goddess for DVR....Fast.Forward....Kesha....glittering like a two-dollar whore....and a little boy named Justin Bieber who made a very lame Beyoncé joke....Awkward....Katy Perry and Alice Cooper....Mis.Match....BEST ROCK ALBUM....Green Day....Okay....Yeah....Whatever....HOT FLASH...Chris O'Donnell...HOT FLASH....When did he get all sexified?....I may have to start watching his show....NCIS-CSI-SVU-L-M-N-O-P....He brings out the Zac Brown Band with Leon Russell...America the Beautiful....Beautiful....Then, off they go into a brand of Leon-Honky-Tonk....Ryan Seacrest....Intro's Taylor Swift....The boring announces the boring to the bored....The best thing about Swift's off-key singing was when she brought out Stevie Nicks to sing Rhiannon....The worst thing....Taylor Swift singing with Stevie Nicks....Aw, shucks, I'm.Over.Her....Lionel Richie....No....The inevitable Michael Jackson tribute as though he is, or was, the Most.Relevant.Musician EVER....And they bring out Celine Dion....I so hoped her heart wouldn't go on....Usher...Who gave the Best performance By An Actor At A Funeral at Jackson's memorial....Smokey Robinson....Who looked like he was thinking, Why is Carrie Underwood up here?....Or maybe that was just me....And, my girl, JHud....She blew all of them off the stage....In the audience Beyoncé was rockin' in 3D and Rihanna was sleepin' in 3D....Meanwhile, back onstage, they trot out two white children who say they are Michael's children....Wearing MJ-style armbands....Scary....Eerie....Sad....Sheryl Crow announces Bon Jovi....HOT FLASH...for Jon Bon Jovi only...HOT FLASH....I've had a thing going on, ahem, down there, for JBJ since his big hair and leather pants days....Placido Domingo and Mos Def in what is billed as the most Odd Coupling of the night....Neither man really speaks English....Placido is all Italian....Def is all hip-hop....BEST RAP COLLABRORATION....Jay Z-Rihanna-Kanye...Yawn...Mostly cuz Kanye wasn't there to muck it up...Wyclef Jean intro's David Foster, Andrea Bocelli and the divine Mary J Blige....Bridge Over Troubled Water...all the money raised from an iTunes download will go to Haitian Earthquake Relief...Do it!...And a sidenote to Grammy....Next time let Mary J do a solo...Brang the house down, that girl....Adam Sandler....Still unfunny after all these years...Dave Matthews Band.....Always a good show with DM....Gleek alert: Lea Michele and...PING!....Ricky Martin....Who kept asking the audience to make him feel the heat....Some sort of gay subtext, methinks....BEST FEMALE VOCAL...Beyoncé...In.Tin.Foil....Was she onstage with the Peas earlier and I missed it?...But she took over the "Show The Breastial Appendages Movement" From Mariah Carey...HOT FLASH...LL Cool J...HOT FLASH...Seriously, I'ma start watchin' NCIS-CSI-SVU-L-M-N-O-P....His guns and O'Donnell's baby blues are what I would call Must See TV....Maxwell and Roberta Flack, doing a little Where is The Love....Though all I could think was Where are Roberta Flack's facial expressions?....Bo.Tox.Much....HOT FLASH...Jeff Bridges...HOT FLASH....A decades long hot flash if you get my meaning....Jeff Beck and Immelda May....How High The Moon....sublime...FUGLY FLASH...Quentin Tarantino...FUGLY FLASH...Note to QT: on a big girl such as yourself, polka dots are not slimming...and your pompous posing as some sort of rap or hip-hop star was, well, annoying, and rather funny...It's like seeing my Dad go all Eminem...And not know who Eminem is...Go away, Tarantino...HOT FLASH...John Legend...HOT FLASH...and Carlos Santana...ALBUM OF THE YEAR...Mammy Yoakum, I mean, Taylor Swift...Pho.Ney...I get cavities just watching her...So, there you have my Grammy stream of consciousness....Take note Grammy's...Next year, less spectacle and more Pink....More Mary J....More Dave Matthews....More Jeff Beck....More JHud...More GaGa...And, of course, lots more HOT FLASHES!