Grudgingly

Well, it's been a couple of weeks now since The Friend sent the email about how I am not good enough for Carlos and it has me wondering about grudges. We've all had people say or do things to us that we don't like, that we may actually hate, and we get angry. But how long do you hold on to that anger? Can you tell yourself you've forgiven the indiscretion and move on, or do you forgive and yet not forget, so the tension is still there?

I think I fall into the latter. I have forgiven the friend; I've told her via email that I've forgiven her. But I still have no desire to speak with her yet. It isn't this intense I will never speak to you again kind of anger, it's more of a Meh kind of temperament.

I feel like she's turned into someone I don't know, someone that I've never known, so I have neither the need nor the desire to speak to her. I've told Carlos that I don't want this to affect his relationship with her, and I don't think it will. I think he was hurt by her words, but he is much more, not forgiving, but forgetting, than am I. I do know that if her words had made me angry I could have lashed out and it would have been over. But the words hurt....sticks and stones...like a punch to my gut, and I can still feel them when I breathe.

I'm not there yet. And wonder if I ever will be.