It's Snarkurday!

I have been enjoying Seasons 1 and 2 of Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath because I love the fact that she’s exposing the Cult of Scientology for all its evil. And I especially enjoyed when Remini, Scientology’s Public Enemy #1, took part in a Reddit AMA about her show and, well, went Cruising ...

See, Leah was asked by a Reddit user if Cruise, with whom she used to be friends when she was brainwashed, was a “good person” and she did not hold back:

“No! Just going to get straight to it, no! There is a public persona of the guy who looks at you directly in the eye and shakes your hand and hugs you and is an attentive person to you and there’s the person behind the mask who is a completely different person.”

And she wasn’t done:

“Someone could say we all have that—what we are to the public and who we are behind the scenes, but the people who are around Tom and work for Tom, not even people who are Scientologists, they will say he is diabolical.”

Leah goes on about the Special Relationship between Tiny Tom and his BFF, Scientology tyrant, David Miscavige, are virtually twins separated at birth: pretty much indistinguishable from one another.

“He’s very similar to David Miscavige, they could be twins.”

And that chapped the hides of Scientologists around the world because you never go after Cash Cow Cruise, and they issued this statement:

“Leah Remini has been obsessed with the leader of the Scientology religion and with Mr. Cruise for years, ever since she made a scene at Mr. Cruise’s wedding when she couldn’t get the seat she wanted. Remini is only commenting on these two prominent individuals to generate media coverage for herself and her hate campaign. Remini is bent on inciting hate and bigotry against a worldwide religion and its parishioners and she will stop at nothing to grab attention.”

Except she rarely speaks of Tommy; she mostly talks about a church that forces women to have abortions, that separates children from their parents, that encourages Scientologists to cut off their non-CoS friends and family, a cult that is so strongly anti-psychiatry that when its own members become so depressed and suicidal, the “church” looks the other way and then tries to cover up the death afterwards.

That’s not a church; even the Catholic Church isn’t that vile. Think of it this way: the Church of Scientology says it’s here to “clear” the planet and make life better for everyone, but, ask yourself, what exactly have they done?

Cue ::::crickets:::: so I am all Team Leah and her exposé on CoS and Cruise, too.

I love seeing hypocrites squirm.

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You know that feeling you get when you receive a letter from the IRS and know they’re coming for you because you forgot to pay 27-cents on last year’s tax bill? Well, try being Mary J. Blige and being told you owe millions in taxes, on top of the news from a judge that she has to pay her ex-husband, Kendu, $30,000 a month.

But ... is this IRS bill a fact or just a ploy being used by Blige and her attorneys to avoid paying spousal support, because when it comes to getting coins, the ex-husband will always take a back seat to Uncle Sam.

See, Mary is claiming she cannot pay her ex any money because, ahem, she owns two “unrentable” houses—one an “eight-bedroom, ten-bathroom New Jersey mansion” and another place she calls “boarded up” and in a “state of disrepair”—and that she experienced a “large reduction” in her royalty payments in 2016.

Sidenote: Get it that Mary J. Blige owns at least two homes in which she does not live and makes some $326,923 a month in earnings and royalties from her production company.

Life isn’t so hard, Mary, you just want to keep your coins, eh, girl?

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Last May, hottie actor and sweatpants model—if you’ve seen The Leftovers you’ll get that reference—Justin Theroux filed a $350,000 dollar lawsuit against his neighbor, lawyer Norman Resnicow, with whom he’s been feuding for decades, and so this week, Resnicow filed a counter-suit filled with “get off my lawn” old man-isms. Resnicow’s suit is in answer to claims Theroux made, and he ALLEGES Justin’s take on the brouhaha is “as fictional as the television series in which he recently starred.”

So, let’s dig in to the petty ... as in when Justin filed suit claiming that Resnicow killed some ivy growing on a terrace and then cut off the power and electricity to Justin’s home. Ivy killer? Ivy? Or, is it that Resnicow says he’s been living in hell from the endless noise of decades of renovations being made to Justin’s apartment and the ALLEGATION that Theroux of “deliberately” dropped heavy workout weights on the floor.” Well, maybe Justin and the missus, Jen Aniston, that is, are banging each other extra joyfully? But when Resnicow put a note under Theroux’s door complaining about the noise he got no response and so ... lawsuits.

One particularly interesting bit is Old Man Resnicow’s claim that Theroux once asked him “to handle—on a discreet basis—the exiting of Theroux’s longtime live-in girlfriend from his apartment because Theroux had broken up with her and was living in a hotel.”

Wait, what? Is Norman supposed to escort Justin’s leftovers—see what I did there—from the apartment when Justin’s done with them? Poor Jennifer; I imagine Norman will roll her up in an Oriental rug and slide her down an elevator shaft at some point.

Resnicow also claims to have suffered through “years of endless day and night barking, yowling and crying of the several rescue dogs Theroux left for several years in the apartment after he de-camped for California.”

Seriously? Dogs left unattended in an apartment for several years? Norman, honey, switch to decaf and get a hobby.

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Mariah Carey is was a singer extraordinaire, a diva and a legend her own mind but never, ever, have we described Mimi as a dancer ... she’s more of a stander, and a person who moves, or is moved, over there. But, back in the day, she did at least try and move while singing, until she became this stand-in-one-place-and-have-dancers-dance-around-her-or-move-her across the stage manually. So, why, Mimi? Why the lack of movement? Hooker heels too high? Bathing suit costumes too tight? Nope; according to her former choreographer, Anthony Burrell, Mimi has simply no more f**ks to give about dancing:

“It’s just typical Mariah. Mariah is clear: when she doesn’t wanna do something, she doesn’t do it. She’s performing with lackluster [effort] and no f**ks given, and it’s taking away her star.”​

Burrell says he spent years trying to make Mariah comfortable onstage, not just a singer, but an all-around performer:

“Working with an artist like Mariah, who’s not a mover first, it’s always a challenge to get them to think physically and not just vocally. You always have to keep in mind that they’re a singer first. The priority is not teaching them 100 counts of 8, or endless routines. I wanted to give Mariah a modern push to revamp her, give her a fresher, more modern feel, make her more aware of her body and her lines, and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking.”

That last line—“and not look like her feet hurt when she’s walking”—gives me life. Though I think Burrell might have had better luck if he just had one of Mimi’s back-up dancers sprinkle Skittles along the stage; that way she’d be moving to find them, or skidding on them and falling down.

But at least we’d have movement.

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If you ever wanted to have a Made For TV relationship, and have it blow up in your face, take a page from “Sock Maker” Rob Kardastrophe and his ex-Baby Mama and former stripper, Blac Chyna.

Since their relationship and TV show are over, the couple is mostly battling online about property, money ... oh, and custody of their baby Kream Dream.

Rob, who used the internet to get revenge on Chyna by posting explicit pictures of her without permission, and probably compensation, and Chyna recently met with lawyers and that’s when he accused her of trying to steal his car.

See, Chyna, and her team of five lawyers—because that’s what it takes for strippers to divorce footwear kings, went to Rob and his lawyer’s office and fought about who did what and for whom and for how long and how much money that means and will it be on TV, to no avail.

And, while Chyna was leaving, Rob hid out in a hallway to avoid seeing her and that’s when she ALLEGEDLY tried to get into his Range Rover and speed off ... until her lawyers reminded her that grand theft auto doesn’t play well in a child custody suit.

But, Chyna insisted that the Range Rover was hers because Rob ... and remember, he makes socks ... gave it to her along with a Ferrari and a Lamborghini; she says those cars were returned and the Range Rover should have gone back to so she could get some of the leasing coins in her bank account.

Seriously; this is all stuff made for TV and yet even That Woman can’t secure a filming deal for these two losers.

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Remember when Hillary Clinton called _____ supporters a “bag of deplorables” and the deplorables went nuts? Well, maybe she didn’t mean them, but meant the deplorables, and wives of deplorables, in _____’s administration.

See, there’s this “actress,” Louise Linton, who is married to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, who is filthy rich because he’s a Wall Street Thief, and Louise likes to flaunt their wealth every chance she gets.

And she did that when she posted an Instagram last week of herself and Mnuchin disembarking a taxpayer-funded plane in Kentucky. In the photo Linton tagged all of the designer labels she wore ... #Valentino ... #RolandMouret ... #TomFord ... #Hermesscarf ... etc. And then someone called “Jenny M” called Linton out for her ridiculousness:

“Glad we could pay for your little getaway. #deplorable”

Louise—a real C_U_Next_Tuesday—went off on Jenny, after finding Jenny’s account and looking through her photos of her family and children, because how dare a commoner come for her:

“@Jennimiller29 cute!….Aw!! Did you think this was a personal trip?! Adorable! Do you think the US govt paid for our honeymoon or personal travel?! Lololol. Have you given more to the economy than me and my husband? Either as an individual earner in taxes OR in self sacrifice to your country? I’m pretty sure we paid more taxes toward our day “trip” than you did. Pretty sure the amount we sacrifice per year is a lot more than you’d be willing to sacrifice if the choice was yours. You’re adorably out of touch. Thanks for the passive aggressive nasty comment. Your kids look very cute. Your life looks cute. I know you’re mad but deep down you’re really nice and so am I. Sending me passive aggressive Instagram comments isn’t going to make life feel better. Maybe a nice message, one filled with wisdom and hunanity [SIC] would get more traction. Have a pleasant evening. Go chill out and watch the new game of thrones. It’s fab!”

Of course, the internet sided with Jenny and suddenly Louise was all apologetic:

“I apologize for my post on social media yesterday as well as my response. It was inappropriate and highly insensitive.”

And that falls under the category of Too Little, Too Late because now a government watchdog group—Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington [CREW]—is looking into the Mnuchin’s use of a government plane for their ‘daytrip’ to Kentucky:

“The requested records would shed light on the justification for Secretary Mnuchin’s use of a government plane, rather than a commercial flight, for a trip that seems to have been planned around the solar eclipse and to enable the Secretary to secure a viewpoint in the path of the eclipse’s totality. At a time of expected deep cuts to the federal budget, the taxpayers have a significant interest in learning the extent to which Secretary Mnuchin has used government planes for travel in lieu of commercial planes, and the justification for that use.”

Yup, they used a government plane and your money to go to Kentucky to look at the sun.

But Linton probably doesn’t give a whit about any watchdog group, so designers Valentino and Tom Ford are hitting back, and smacking down Linton for what she did and for using their names in her little ego-driving Instagram account.

And you just know that irks Louise “Let them eat cake” Linton more than anything.

Deplorable.

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Looks like Tina is after Gwyneth Paltrow. No, not Tina Knowles, or Xtina, or even Tina Yothers—Goddess I’m old—but TINA, AKA Truth In Advertising.

While GOOP, Gwyneth’s emporium of jade eggs, vaginal steamers and $900 t-shirts, is the most ridiculous site on the web, it wasn’t until this week that TINA took notice and issued an admonishment. See, Tina doesn’t like GOOP’s goods, nor does she like GOOP’s medical advice like, you remember, Earthing ...

Now, GOOP maintains, either expressly or implicitly, that its products and its promotions can treat, cure, prevent, alleviate the symptoms of, or reduce the risk of developing, any number of ailments.  But, as TINA notes, GOOP does not have any competent and reliable scientific evidence ... required by law ... to backup their claims.

Oh TINA, are you new here, because I’ve know that since Paltrow tried to get women to Stanley Steamer their cooches or deposit jade eggs up their hoohaws.

Well, for her part, TINA did reach out to GOOP and allow them time to explain themselves, but after eleven days of silence, TINA filed a complaint with the California Food, Drug, and Medical Device Task Force.  And that’s when GOOP pooped out a response:

“We responded promptly and in good faith to the initial outreach from representatives of TINA and hoped to engage with them to address their concerns. Unfortunately, they provided limited information and made threats under arbitrary deadlines which were not reasonable under the circumstances.”

Notice they didn’t say that TINA was wrong in its claims.

Paltrow has yet to respond because she’s busy boiling the public hair of virgins, oils from the scalps of newborn babies, kitten claws, and fresh mint—because it smells pretty—in a cauldron somewhere in the Middle East hoping to cure anal warts.

Or something.

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It’s hard to go from media whores to nobodies, so what can a once-famous-for-nothing-more-than-birthing-a-slew-of-babies ex-couple do for attention? Call the cops.

Apparently, cops were called on Jon and Kate Gosselin twice in the past month after the two reality whores got into a screaming match while one of their children was at the dentist; and the fight wasn’t about the bill and who’d pay for it, no, the Gosselins fight over important stuff like which one of them would drive the kid home.

Seriously, Neo-Nazis are marching in the streets but the cops gotta work out which Gosselin runs the carpool that day?

The other time the cops were called for Gosselin Mayhem was on August 15th, when the idiot parents were fighting in a parking lot after Kate tried to yank their 13-year-old daughter Hannah from Jon’s car. Hannah didn’t want to get out, and tried to resist Mama’s Claws while Jon stood off to the side saying things like:

“Hold on. Hold on. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. I can’t help you. Hold on. Hold on.”

This event lasted ... wait for it ... three hours, with police looking on and eventually calling an ambulance after Hannah said her arm was injured.

Again, the Klan is in the streets and we need police and medical teams to help Jon and Kate take care of their kids? I hope those kids wise up and get a lawyer to emancipate them from these horrid people.

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Speaking of Famewhores ...

I’m’a keep this short because even writing this little bit is giving me the dry heaves but ... hold on to those eclipse glasses ...

That Woman, AKA Porn Peddling Media Whore Kris Jenner, is so in love with her new thinner—Photoshopped?—body that she is looking for a high-end magazine to publish a nude photo shoot of her.

Field and Stream has yet to respond, but keep that eyewear handy in case Modern Dog takes That Woman up on her offer.

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