Snarky Thoughts

If you haven’t been seeing the snippets of the Paltrow v. Sanderson lawsuit from Park City, Utah, consider yourself lucky for having missed the smug performance of a Kim Kardastrophe wannabe and low rent Martha Stewart hopeful in Oscar bought-and-paid for by Harvey Weinstein, Gwyneth Paltrow. This week Paltrow won her case in which she says a large man rammed into her, fell, and he cracked and broke four ribs and suffered a head injury, while thin-a-s-a-rail, bone both drinking  Gwynnie skied down the slope, ate lunch and had a massage while complaining that she was robbed of a half day of skiing.

My Thought: She won because she’s Gwyneth Paltrow though she was only awarded a dollar. Still, for me, that .99-cents too much.

My Other Thought: That smug face; we know she’s a horrible actor so I guessing she had her entire mug and limp hair Botoxed to the Sad Clown Degree.

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While promoting the Dungeons & Dragons movie this week Hugh Grant complained about how these days actors no longer fall in love and screw like rabbits on film sets, but instead go home to their loved ones and their own lives. And he blames it all on cell phones:

“All of that stopped because of telephones. Everyone goes home and looks at Twitter. It’s so sad.”

My Thought: Maybe the women he works with know that Hugh Grant is a serial schtupper and the father of five children, overlapping in age, with two different women … meaning he was schtupping both at the same time. Ick.

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By 2008 Mike Myers’ career of playing corny, one-note unfunny people, and comic villains was just about over, though Myers apparently was the only one unaware. Which may explain why Canadian radio DJ named Jay Brody, who was hired to work as set security for The Love Guru but was fired after just four hours on the job because he broke one rule: he made eye contact with Myers.

My Thought: Was it just eye contact, or was it eye roll contact, as in, seriously, you aren’t funny Mike Myers.

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In 1996, Brooke Shields guest-starred on Friends as Joey’s obsessive fan, and during a date scene, she had to—and by that I mean ‘forced to’—lick Matt LeBlanc’s hand and fingers. In the audience was Brooke’s then-boyfriend Andre Agassi, who later became her husband and then ex-husband, and according to Shields Agassi lost it because he thought the two were flirting … on a TV set … in front of a camera … with an audience … and a full stage crew. Brooke says he ran out of the studio and later screamed at her for making a fool of him and broke all of his tennis trophies in a rage; what Brooke found out later was a meth-fueled rage.

My Thought: Andre clearly has never heard of acting, or else he thinks everything you see on TV is real.

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Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her face so much that she’s pretty much a living reboot of her former self. Now, in the past, Khloé has blasted people for suggesting she’s the product of scrapes and pills and injections and scalpels, oh my. But this week, on Instagram, a fan—do Kardastrophe’s have fans or people they pay to be fans—asked her, “Do you miss your old face?” and she replied, “No.”

My Thought: The answer should have been “Which old face,” because at the rate she keeps changing it I think that one day soon she’ll end up looking like Khloé Kardastrophe circa 2007.

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Alexander Ludwig, from the Hunger Games, posted a stripped-down nekkid Polaroid to his Instagram this week, alongside one of his wife also posing nude; she was celebrating her 32nd week of pregnancy and he was celebrating being a hot nekkid soon-to-be Daddy.

My Thought: Alexander should pose nudie pics to Instagram all the time, not so blurry and not so dark, and then maybe I’ll look at my page more often than once every six months.

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