Why Is It ...

… that people need to stop sending boob shots and dick pics; send me a video of you reading so I know you’re not dumb.

… that people don’t see that I’m what Willis was talkin’ ‘bout.

… that while I am not excited about getting older I do enjoy how no one asks me to help them move anymore.

… that when my dentist told me I needed a crown my first response was, “I know, right?”

… that when someone tells me they don’t like me I often say, “Ouch! You hit me right in the I Don’t Give A Fuck.”

… that the older I get the more I understand why the cats walk away mid-conversation.

… that my nighttime routine includes a final pee, a back-up pee, and a ‘just in case’ pee.

… that no one has ever suggested that hemorrhoids should be called assteroids.

… that when my therapist asked about my intention for the day, I said, “May the bridges I burn light the motherfuking way,” and she just said, “No.”

… that my friends have just realized that I have “ROMO,” the Relief Of Missing Out.