I Should Be Laughing

… that most people never learn that there is no bond like the bond between two coworkers who hate the same third coworker; am I right, Gary?

… that my friends take forever to figure out that once you get past the resting bitch face, the OCD tendencies, the slight aggressivenss and the sarcasm I am actually a delight to be aound

… that I highly doubt my name gets defended when I’m not in the room but I know it gets quiet AF when I walk in

… that when my boss suggested I think twice before speaking I instantly said I speak twice before I think

… that my new work word is Bitchuation… any situation that forces me to act klike a bitch

… that as I age I no longer spring out of bed but instead I perform a detailed systems check before attempting liftoff

… that I told the kid next door that when I was his age I used to get 10 CDs for a penny in the mail and I’m sure he thinks I’m lying about what a CD was, or what a penny is, or what’s the mail … or all three

… that when my therapist asked what I wanted to say to my inner child I said, “At least the trauma made us funny.”

… that whenever someone mutters the phrase ‘Have your cake and eat it too’ I always respond, ‘Wrong bakery, bitch.’

… that people say you should forgive and forget but I always say Fuck you and fuck that