It's Snarkurday!

Did we learn nothing from Being Bobby Brown? That ratchet show destroyed what was left of Whitney Houston, so why would anyone, least of a diva like Mariah Carey, want to do a reality show?

But she is; Mimi is shooting a show for E! — the same channel that infected us with Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes and I Am Cait­ — that will follow her as she is wheeled around Vegas to do her casino show, and then follow her on her European tour.

Currently, the working title is Mariah’s Squad, or, as I see her being wheeled around like a corpse, Mariah’s Squat.

Well, it looks like the days of Madonna giving her son Rocco a little space lasted about … a day.

While Rocco and Guy Ritchie were in a London court to continue the custody fight, Madonna was performing for a private crowd in Melbourne. The invite-only show was supposed to start at 10:30PM, but it didn’t start until after 1AM perhaps because Madge was, literally, busy applying clown make-up so she could sing a bunch of songs she never sings, ride around on a tricycle, and perform Send In The Clowns in front of a giant picture of Rocco … something Rocco has begged her to stop doing.

Next up she’ll be channeling Baby Jane Hudson and doing her rendition of I’ve Written A Letter To Rocco. Or maybe she’ll just crash and burn.

In the Whoever Came Up With This Idea Deserves To Be Fired file: Lindsay Lohan is a guest editor at the London newspaper, The Sun. Calm yourselves, I know what you’re thinking: Lohan can write?

In her first of what is sure to be one article for The Sun, Lindsay Lohan wrote about how she almost banged Harry Styles. Lohan says that early one morning in 2012, there was a knock on her hotel room door and when she opened it, Harry Styles was there, asking if he could um, er, schtup her … fulfilling another day of her paid escort title:

“I didn’t know it was him. He was in a suit. I said, ‘Well, you’re very good-looking – can I help you?’ That was it. He was like, ‘I’m Harry. Gavin and Michael sent me here.’ I was in bed. I was like, ‘I’m going to bed but it was nice to meet you.’ It was 2am, I had just come back from an AA meeting. I looked like shit too. I was wearing a big hotel robe, I had a slip under it. It was not a good look. It didn’t click who he was at the time.”

First off, Lindsay Lohan turning down anonymous sex with a stranger knocking on her door at 2AM is like Oprah saying, “No, no more cookies for me.”

Lohan says she met Harry again at a party in L.A. and he said that he knocked on her door at because some friends dared him to.

“C’mon, Harry, bang her. She’ll do it, all you gotta do is ask.”

The funny thing is this sounds eerily close to a story that that other Hollywood whore-let, James Franco, says about the time Lindsay Lohan appeared in his hotel room at 2AM to, um, er, schtup.

Lindsay Lohan, plagiarist … and whore.

Meanwhile, back at Madonna onstage at that private show in Melbourne … where she guzzled from a flask and called Guy Ritchie a “son of a bitch” and then begged someone in the crowd, anyone, to “f**k her”:

“Someone please take care of me, please. Who is going to take care of me?”

Where’s Harry Styles now? Or Lohan for that matter?

Sally Field. Two-time Oscar winner and expert at dumping people. Who knew?

Sally was on Watch What Happens Live and during a game of Plead the Fifth she admitted she faked her way out of dating Johnny Carson. After Andy Cohen asked Field to describe the relationship — she dubbed it, “The Octopus And The Reluctant Little Guppy” — he took the bait … see what I did there? … and asked if that meant Carson was all hands. Sally nodded and then told how she was able to end the relationship:

“I was never a person who knew how to say no to people. When it came down to things, I said, ‘Yeahhh!’ Ultimately the only way I could get out of many things was to tell people I had lost my mind. I told him … I was having a breakdown and being sent away. I couldn’t figure out how just to say I’m really am just not into this. I just said, ‘I’m so sorry. I have to go away. They’re putting me in a home.'”

Brava, Sally; you took that Sybil character and brought her to life to get out of dating Johnny Carson. I like you. Right now, I really like you.

California is still suffering from a drought but don’t tell that to celebrities because they need more water than regular folks … it takes a whole lotta H2O to keep a movie star lawn green, and a movie star pool filled, and a movie star hair clean of LA smog … even if they pay a fine to get it.

California put its cities on a water diet by forcing cutbacks by as much as 35%, though the folks in 90210 only had to reduce their usage by 32%. But they failed at that so state water officials fined the city and now they are Water Shaming celebrities.

Beverly Hills officials sent warning letters to their biggest water wasters, including David Geffen, director Brett Ratner, Will & Grace co-creator Max Mutchnick and … wait for it … who knew … Amy Poehler.

For two months last summer, David Geffen’s estate used an average of 27,000 gallons of water a day — sixty times what the average LA family uses — and he was fined $30,000 for it, while Ratner and Mutchnick took the “It’s a leaky pipe” plea when they were publicly shamed.

But Amy Poehler rolls like Geffen, and her family used 170,000 gallons of water in two months, for which she was fined more than $20,000.

Look, celebrities aren’t regular people, and they shouldn’t be treated like us; if Poehler and Geffen and Ratner and Mutchnick wanna fill their homes with water and swim nekkid in it all day we should just be happy they’re being kept alive to keep us entertained … while we die of thirst.

More Madge? Well, the stories of her messiness on tour are growing, with the press and her fans complaining about shows starting late and Madonna appearing drunk and disorderly onstage, swilling tequila onstage, falling off tricycles, begging someone to f**k her.

But Madge is fighting back, saying all these stories are bulls**t because any time a fan or a newspaper criticizes her it’s sexism and misogyny:

“Thanks for supporting me. Too bad people don't know the art of acting and playing a character. I could never do any of my shows high or drunk. And yes underlying all of this is sexism and mysongony [sic] which proves that not only do we not get equal pay but we are still treated like heretics if we step out of line and think outside the box!  Sexism is alive and kicking but i am ❤#livingforlove”

Madonna can’t spell misogyny so she was either drunk when she wrote that, or just dumb. But what pisses me off is that every time anyone criticizes her, Madonna plays the Sexism and Misogyny Cards when, in fact, the criticism is because she’s self-indulgent, egotistical, and only cares about herself … not her fans.

Ageism is alive and well in Hollywood and it’s all kinds of crazy …

About a year ago, 38-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal was told that she was “too old” to play the love interest of a 55-year-old man, and now Olivia Wilde is saying that she auditioned for, and did not get the part, of Leonardo DiCaprio’s wife in The Wolf of Wall Street because she was “too old” to be Leo’s on-screen wife.

Wilde was 28 went she auditioned to play the wife of 38-year-old Leo, so the role went to 21-year-old Margot Robbie. Wilde says she was told she was “too sophisticated” for the part, but knows that in Hollywood-speak that means “too old.”

Look, we all know Leo likes ‘em young off-screen, but, sheesh, does he have to marry high school girls on film, too?

And, since she’s all over the news with her antics, let’s end with More Madonna: she showed up two hours late for another concert last week and she blamed it on … her fans:

“You were here too early. You should have taken your time doing your hair and make-up, then I wouldn’t have been late.”

In addition, the show, which started late, ended early because local trains in Brisbane stop running at 1AM so the arena needed to be cleared out.

Thanks Madonna! Too bad she was ALLEGEDLY too drunk to ride her tricycle because maybe she could have given some fans a lift home.