Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Instant Noodles Make You Gay ... Or So I've Been Told

We’ve all heard the stories, the myths really, about why people are gay — though we’re gay because we were born that way, so let’s get that queer right up front; I mean, it’s nature, it’s nurture; it’s domineering mothers and absentee fathers; it’s child molestation ….

Well, according to Arief Wismansyah, the mayor of Tangerand, an Indonesian city with a population of over two million, it’s milk formula and instant noodles that makes people gay.

I knew I should’a stayed away from the Ramen noodles in college. Damn!

But are there other crackpot theories about what makes people gay, or turns people gay, or makes them choose the gay lifestyle? Let’s listen in …

1] Prison Makes You Gay:
Future failed presidential candidate, and ALLEGED neurosurgeon, Dr. Ben Carson was on the campaign trail when CNN asked him if he thought homosexuality was a choice:
“Absolutely, because a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight — and when they come out, they’re gay.” — “Doctor” Ben Carson.
So, the rule of thumb here is ‘Don’t Do The Crime If You Don’t Wanna Be A Big Old Flaming Queen.’

2] Juice Boxes Make You Gay:
According to radio show host and conspiracy theory king Alex Jones, the reason there are so many gay people now is because the government wants to encourage homosexuality with chemicals so that people don’t have children. And these chemicals are being distributed in juice boxes.

Moms? You better think twice about that after school snack.

3] Tattoos Make You Gay:
Mallam Ya Wadudu, a West African spiritualist, said that getting a tattoo could unknowingly make a person beholden to spirits which would then punish them by pushing them into things like homosexuality, alcoholism, prostitution or stealing.

Uh oh. I have six tattoos … but then I got them after “turning” gay. But, Wadudu may have a point because, if the tattoo spirits make you steal or turn to prostitution, and you get arrested and sent to jail, BAM, you’re gay!

4] Standardized School Testing Makes You Gay: 

Florida State Representative, and Republican of course, Charles Van Zant spoke at the “Operation Education Conference” in Orlando, and warned that officials implementing Common Core — academic standards in mathematics and English language arts/literacy — were promoting the LGBT agenda, and Van Zant claimed Common Core was determined to “attract every one of your children to become as homosexual as they possibly can.”

Straight-acting or Flamingly Gay … gay is gay.

5] Disney’s Frozen Makes You Gay:

In a radio broadcast, “Pastor” Kevin Swanson, said:
"I wonder if people are thinking, 'You know, I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way.' I wonder if the average parent going to see 'Frozen' is thinking that way."
And the not-so-good “Pastor” wasn’t alone; author Kathryn Skaggs agreed that Frozen promoted homosexuality to children: 
"I could blatantly see that the homosexual agenda, to normalize the practice, was not simply an underlying message in the movie 'Frozen,' but is the actual story."
Note to parents: no Disney films until the kids turn eighteen, because apparently The Gay doesn’t rub off when children grow up.

6] Eating Chicken Makes You Gay:
Back in 2010, Bolivian President Evo Morales spoke at an environmental conference in Cochabamba and said that hormones in chicken cause … no, not cancer … homosexuality and baldness.

Next time you’re at KFC look at all the bald men; chances are, they’re queer, too.

7] Eating Tofu Makes You Gay:

Religious author Jim Rutz says soy is the reason children are turning into homosexuals:
“Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.” No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can’t remember a time when excess estrogen wasn’t influencing them.”
Dear Baby Jeebus? No chicken? No tofu? No juice boxes? What will I have for lunch???

8] Doritos Make You Gay:
Conservative blogger Ed Straker says Doritos are “the perfect gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality” and then added:
“I think we should push other companies to launch pro-heterosexual campaigns.  Perhaps we could persuade a hot dog maker and a hot dog bun company to do a joint effort promoting man-woman relationships.”
Um, sorry Ed, but hot dogs are always gay.

9] Dancing Makes You Gay:
A group of men were arrested last year by Saudi Arabia’s morality police for dancing at a birthday party because that kind of behavior "because it can lead to immorality and even homosexuality."

So, please parents, and expectant parents, keep your children away from snacks, Disney films, school testing, Ramen noodles, chicken, vegetarianism, and tattoos. Otherwise your children will be gay.

Naturally, though, even if you do all that, please keep your children away from prison, too, because that’s just bad whether you’re straight or gay.


anne marie in philly said...

ramen, chicken, doritos, dancing...I should be such a HUGE lesbian by now! :)

sorry, I was born str8 and will always be str8.

rethuglicans and religious freaks are asshats!

Michael Dodd said...

As for the Saudis, the joke among my friends in high school was that some evangelical Christians were forbidden to have sex standing up because it might lead to dancing.

And on an unrelated note, does checking a box really prove I'm not a robot? Might I not be a robot that knows how to check boxes?

the dogs' mother said...

Wait. a. darn. minute! How many of these things were around since the dawn of time?
I don't think we've ever uncovered a bag of Doritos in a cave.

Blobby said...

Never seen 'Frozen' - so dismissed. Don't have a tattoo. Next. Tofu? blech! Never had a juice box nor have i been to prison.

I HAVE had chicken and danced. I've even chicken danced. Super gay!

Frank said...

I remember years ago sitting at a lunch counter when this old (I'm not sure how old as I was a mere 20 year old) Jewish guy began expounding upon the idea that eating pork caused homosexuality and that so many more Jewish boys were becoming gay because they were not obeying the prohibition against eating pork. Being Italian, we ate lots of pork without guilt (but never on Friday) so how could I possibly argue with this old man's reasoning?

Kevin said...

i'd like a huge heaping plate of tofu ramen noodles with chicken, washed down with a nice crisp sparkling apple juice, preferably in a box.

i'd like to follow that up with some doritos (TO GO, because i JUST know i'm gonna get some munchies later).

I'm still in love with my phoenix half-sleeve tattoo. everyday is a standardized fucking test and my life is a fucking prison.


just keep that Disney shit away from me. I don't want to be queer.

Raybeard said...

Bit strange that no one is saying 'God makes you gay', at least no one on THAT side. That would be a bit TOO fanciful for them, I guess - well beyond their limits of 'plausibility'.

Helen Lashbrook said...

@Raybeard God is the one who told these nuts that dancing, doritos, Disney et al makes you gay because he doesn't want people to enjoy themselves. God just wants to fuck with your mind according to all the old men.

Anonymous said...

I've experienced all of those things. Now it explains everything. Personally I blame my mother.

mistress maddie said...

And all this time I thought it was because I ate Fruityy Pebbles as a child.

Sadie J said...

I kind of lived on Ramen when I was in college and it just happens to coincide with my sluttiest years. And, hmmm, thinking back, there were no women in the mix. I must have been buying the wrong Ramen?

Gene Perry said...

Hey, gotta agree about the tofu.

Fearsome Beard said...

I'm still trying to figure out what is it that makes people think being gay is a bad thing?

Chris said...

I've read your 1 Mar column and I'm sorry to say that every cause listed was either before my time, something I've never eaten, or spent time living in. But still I can remember not being gay -- you obviously haven't gotten at the real root causes, unless those of us born before all of these things you listed came to be means that we can't be gay. What a shame -- what do we do, turn strait??

Mitchell is Moving said...

I've always wondered what made me gay [no, I haven't]. Of that entire list, the only thing it could be is the chicken!