Bobservations

I’ve said before that Carlos uses Voice Over and Siri on his phone and both are set somewhat loudly so he can hear them. The other morning I joked that he and his “team” are too loud and he was confused.

“When I’m back in the office, and you’re practicing your trumpet in the sunroom, I hear Siri count down your timer, and I also hear you ask her to tell you a joke.”

“You do not.”

“And then, when I’m in bed and you come into the room, you turn off Voice Over and it yells:

“VOICE OVER OFF.”

“And you ask Siri to set a 7AM alarm and she says: YOUR 7AM ALARM IS SET.”

“I’ve been trying to do that before I come back to bed.”

“And I can still hear you. Maybe you should go up the driveway to the street and give your commands.”

“Maybe I will.”

“But then you’ll wake the entire neighborhood.”

That stunned him  into silence.

This Tuxedo Memory is from July 2015

“A Bit of Tuxedo

He doesn't like Daddy on the computer and he hates when Daddy takes his picture.

And these are either from the fireworks ... he hates the booms ... or, again:

"For the love of God, Daddy, put down the camera, I'm just a cat!"

Oh Tucky, you are more than just a cat.”

And he was the Best Cat Ever.

Inmate # P01135809’s new joint fundraising agreement with the Republican National Committee [RNC] directs donations to his campaign and to a PAC that pays the criminal’s legal bills before the RNC gets a cut.

The illegal-sounding diversion of funds to the Save America PAC makes it more likely that GOP donors could see their money go to lawyers for the criminal, who have already received some $76 million over the last two years to defend him against four felony indictments and multiple civil cases. And some Republicans are worried that the criminal’s takeover of the RNC could shortchange the cash-strapped party, making it harder for them to run for office.

Good. These asshats thought they were hooking their wagons to the savior of the party but they’re now chained to the man who will bankrupt the RNC like he does most of his businesses.

Little known fact: in the years before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home. You’re welcome. 

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife MacKenzie Scott is once again opening her wallet to donate some of her billions to worthy causes, which has the rightwingnuts crying foul.

Scott announced that she will donate $122 million to 67 migrant-advocacy organizations for legal aid and other assistance; she will also give $117 million to 67 prisoner-advocacy groups and other organizations helping prisoners and ex-convicts, and will donate $72 million to 43 groups that promote “gender identity,” “sexual orientation” and other LGBTQ causes.

In a world full of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk be like MacKenzie Scott because that’s how you billionaire.

During an appearance on “Hot Ones” former actor and current annoyance to the world Gwyneth Paltrow was asked about a long-standing rumor that former President Bill Clinton slept through a White House screening of her 1996 film, “Emma.”

“True. He was snoring right in front of me. I was like, ‘Wow, I guess this is going to be a real hit movie.’ But it was, so f–k you, Bill Clinton!”

If Goop is gonna cuss out everyone who falls asleep during any of her films, she’ll be touring the world and dropping f-bombs for all eternity and won’t have any time to make her vagina scented candles.

Moving through the probate process is a tedious experience; it’s a lot of hurry up and wait. The attorney who drafted my father’s will is the one I hired to manage the process and I would occasionally get stressed out, wondering if I was doing the right thing at the right time. But I was assured that it’s just a slow process but will be over before I know it and then this happened …

While at work on Monday I got a phone call from the lawyer’s legal assistant and she told me she had bad news.

Stress level up! The attorney I hired … died.

Seriously. He contracted pneumonia and was hospitalized at which time they discovered he also had leukemia, and he passed very quickly.

Stress level way up! But, his assistant talked me down, I offered her and his wife my condolences, and was directed toward a new attorney to take on the probate. Hopefully, there won’t be much longer time to complete the process.

Fingers crossed.

Nathan Slaten is a model and actor and dancer, and perhaps horny gay man, but Would You Hit It?

It's Monday and I'm ...

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith put on a united front on Thanksgiving, at least on Instagram, looking quite the happily married couple that hasn’t been separated for six or seven years.

Color me suspicious since these new family photos appeared right after Will’s former assistant Brother Bilaal claimed that he walked in on Smith having sex with actor Duane Marin in a dressing room several years ago.

Cue happy family pictures, I guess?

Naturally, a rep for Will vehemently denied the allegations and another says Will is “considering taking legal action” over the accusation but as of right now he’s just playing the part of happily married straight man on Instagram.

Oh goddess Gwyneth Paltrow is back again. Since she decided—or did we decide?—that her career was over Paltrow only makes headlines when she runs over skiers and then complains that her vacation was ruined.

So, how does Gwynnie get back in the spotlight? By attempting to prove that she and Dakota Johnson, who is currently dating Paltrow’s ex, Chris Martin, truly are good pals.

During a Q&A on Instagram Paltrow  was asked to post a photo with Johnson and suddenly there she was, holding hands with Dakota.

The thirst is real with Paltrow who wants nothing to do with show business but is clearly still thirsty for fame.

Now it’s Christina Aguilera’s turn to join the What Happened To Her Face Club.

After posting a TikTok video hundreds of fans commented that Aguilera looks almost unrecognizable under a full face of glam, complete with a glittery smokey eye and dark red nails and fans weren’t having it:

“no way thats Christina Aguilera.”

“Someone is pretending to be Christina Aguilera.”

“Wait, What? Is that woman Christina Aguilera?”

“I have no idea who that is??”

“that’s Christina Kardashian.”

The fans weren’t sure if she’d gone Kardastrophe or Lindsey Lohan or Madge, but she doesn’t look herself. Some fans even noticed that Christina’s signature icy blue eyes appeared to be brown.

“Who is THAT! That is not xtina, she has blue eyes not brown! And the whole thing looks like clone.”

And my favorite:

“This has gotta be AI Xtina.”

I’m all for Christians wanting to look her best but please tell me she doesn’t think her “best” is as a Kardastrophe.

Another blast from the past is one Jonathan Taylor Thomas, former Home Improvement co-star, who has apparently “resurfaced” after not being seen in two years.

The former ’90s heartthrob wore a black beanie, glasses, a light brown sweater and jeans while getting coffee in Southern California. The last time JTT was photographed was more than two years ago when he was spotted going out for a walk with his two small dogs in Los Angeles and before that, he hadn’t been glimpsed in public for eight years.

Is it drugs? Is it poverty? Or is it just him living his own life?

You see, Thomas opted out of Home Improvement in 1998 to focus on academics. He went on to study philosophy and history at Harvard and graduated from Columbia University in 2010, and also attended St. Andrews University in Scotland:

“I’d been going nonstop since I was 8 years old. I wanted to go to school, to travel and have a bit of a break. To sit in a big library amongst books and students, that was pretty cool. It was a novel experience for me. I never took the fame too seriously. It was a great period in my life, but it doesn’t define me.”

Good on him for choosing a life over the spotlight, and education over fame. Maybe he should DM Gwyneth Paltrow and show her how it’s done.

Snarky Thoughts

The smugness and hilarity of Gwyneth Paltrow and Terry Sanderson’s 8-day ski accident trial held many of us in a tight grip a while back. It ended when the jury sided with the Oscar-winning actress … hold for laughter … and awarded her the $1 dollar in damages she’d requested; she was also asking that Sanderson pay her lawyer fees because the crash caused her to miss a half-day of skiing, but we now know that lawyers for both parties have agreed to drop that part of the suit. 

My Thought: Maybe that haughty, I’m-too-good-for-this-nonsense bitch face caused Paltrow’s attorneys to rethink their money beg.

photo

Halle Berry is making Madonna look absolutely parched, she’s so thirsty. Like Madge, Halle has posted a nude photo of herself sipping wine on a balcony to social media, with the caption:

“i do what i wanna do. happy Saturday.”

In the photo, Berry is covering her breasts with her arm and leaning against a railing that covers her nether regions.

My Thought: This is pure thirst because Halle had her boyfriend take the camera downstairs and outside while she perched on the balcony so he could snap the photo. I guess doing what she wants to do for Halle means sending her boyfriend to the yard to take a nudie pic.

photo

Who needs Adele or Elton, or even Paddington Bear when you’ve booked Katy Perry, Lionel Ritchie, Winnie the Pooh and Tom Cruise for your coronation?

My Thought: King Charles and those wacky Windsor’s are scraping the bottom of the celebrity  barrel to make this coronation a thing.

photo

Another Kardastrophe, well, to be fair, a Kardastrophe-adjacent, family member is pitching  a hissy over the idea that people think she's had plastic surgery. Kylie Jenner admits to having lip fillers but wants y’all to know she isn’t all that plastic:

“I think a big misconception about me is that I’ve had so much surgery on my face and that I was some insecure person, and I really wasn’t!”

But she always “wanted full lips” but claims it’s not due to insecurities saying she was “always the most confident person in the room” as a child and “the girl performing for everyone,” but because of her “one lip insecurity thing” she chose to make a change.

My Thought: That little lip thing really made her face and body and breasts totally different, and that makes it one special filler.

photo

Alec Baldwin is back in the news, though not for killing someone … this time. See, after the manslaughter  charges against him were dropped he posted a slideshow of his seven kids calling them “seven reasons to carry on during tough times.” Trouble is, Baldwin has eight children and appears to have forgotten his daughter Ireland, whose mother is Kim Basinger, and whom he famously called a “pig” years back in a telephone rant.

My Thought: Not exactly father of the year material, eh? I mean if you have so many children you forget the first one.

photo

Snarky Thoughts

If you haven’t been seeing the snippets of the Paltrow v. Sanderson lawsuit from Park City, Utah, consider yourself lucky for having missed the smug performance of a Kim Kardastrophe wannabe and low rent Martha Stewart hopeful in Oscar bought-and-paid for by Harvey Weinstein, Gwyneth Paltrow. This week Paltrow won her case in which she says a large man rammed into her, fell, and he cracked and broke four ribs and suffered a head injury, while thin-a-s-a-rail, bone both drinking  Gwynnie skied down the slope, ate lunch and had a massage while complaining that she was robbed of a half day of skiing.

My Thought: She won because she’s Gwyneth Paltrow though she was only awarded a dollar. Still, for me, that .99-cents too much.

My Other Thought: That smug face; we know she’s a horrible actor so I guessing she had her entire mug and limp hair Botoxed to the Sad Clown Degree.

photo

While promoting the Dungeons & Dragons movie this week Hugh Grant complained about how these days actors no longer fall in love and screw like rabbits on film sets, but instead go home to their loved ones and their own lives. And he blames it all on cell phones:

“All of that stopped because of telephones. Everyone goes home and looks at Twitter. It’s so sad.”

My Thought: Maybe the women he works with know that Hugh Grant is a serial schtupper and the father of five children, overlapping in age, with two different women … meaning he was schtupping both at the same time. Ick.

photo

By 2008 Mike Myers’ career of playing corny, one-note unfunny people, and comic villains was just about over, though Myers apparently was the only one unaware. Which may explain why Canadian radio DJ named Jay Brody, who was hired to work as set security for The Love Guru but was fired after just four hours on the job because he broke one rule: he made eye contact with Myers.

My Thought: Was it just eye contact, or was it eye roll contact, as in, seriously, you aren’t funny Mike Myers.

photo

In 1996, Brooke Shields guest-starred on Friends as Joey’s obsessive fan, and during a date scene, she had to—and by that I mean ‘forced to’—lick Matt LeBlanc’s hand and fingers. In the audience was Brooke’s then-boyfriend Andre Agassi, who later became her husband and then ex-husband, and according to Shields Agassi lost it because he thought the two were flirting … on a TV set … in front of a camera … with an audience … and a full stage crew. Brooke says he ran out of the studio and later screamed at her for making a fool of him and broke all of his tennis trophies in a rage; what Brooke found out later was a meth-fueled rage.

My Thought: Andre clearly has never heard of acting, or else he thinks everything you see on TV is real.

photo

Khloé Kardastrophe has changed her face so much that she’s pretty much a living reboot of her former self. Now, in the past, Khloé has blasted people for suggesting she’s the product of scrapes and pills and injections and scalpels, oh my. But this week, on Instagram, a fan—do Kardastrophe’s have fans or people they pay to be fans—asked her, “Do you miss your old face?” and she replied, “No.”

My Thought: The answer should have been “Which old face,” because at the rate she keeps changing it I think that one day soon she’ll end up looking like Khloé Kardastrophe circa 2007.

2007 2009 2013 2015 2020 2021 2022 2023

Alexander Ludwig, from the Hunger Games, posted a stripped-down nekkid Polaroid to his Instagram this week, alongside one of his wife also posing nude; she was celebrating her 32nd week of pregnancy and he was celebrating being a hot nekkid soon-to-be Daddy.

My Thought: Alexander should pose nudie pics to Instagram all the time, not so blurry and not so dark, and then maybe I’ll look at my page more often than once every six months.

photo

Snarky Thoughts

We never hear from Jewel, not that I’m complaining, but when we do, it’s huge. It seems Jewel claims her own mother embezzled some $100 million from the singer when she was Jewel’s manager, and now Jewel is some $3 million in debt.

My Thought: How did Jewel make a $100 million??

photo

Apparently sometime last year 90s boy bander and Love Is Blind host Nick Lachey accosted a paparazzo and has now been ordered to attend anger management classes and Alcoholics Anonymous. It all happened when Nick and his wife Vanessa were leaving Mastro’s steakhouse in Beverly Hills and Nick noticed female paparazzo Jody Santos taking photos of the couple and drunkenly started flipping her off before walking up to her and trying to steal her phone.

My Thought: Hasn’t Nick Lachey been over for a while, so was he trying to beat up a photographer for taking his picture or for not knowing who he was?

photo

Gwyneth Paltrow is in court this week; no, not for her vagina candle, or her over-priced golden dildoes, or even for her loopy, goopy medical advice. It all began back in 2016 when Gwynnie collided with 76-year-old Terry Sanderson on a ski slope in Park City, Utah. Sanderson is now suing Paltrow for $3.1 million for the ribs he broke and the brain injury he suffered after her bony body crashed into him.

My Thought: Don’t ask for cash in the suit; ask that you get the Oscar that Harvey Weinstein bought her for Shakespeare In Love.

PS That trifecta of photos of Paltrow up there, taken inside the courtroom, show that she can’t decide if she’s constipated, having a good time, or terrified of being in a room with commoners.

photo

So the question on everyone’s mind is where in the world does Everything Everywhere All At Once Oscar winner Jamie Lee Curtis keep her award?? Jamie Lee, who has also announced that her Oscar uses the pronouns they and them—I can see Large Marge’s head splitting open as I typed that—she also said she keeps it on a shelf next to her SAG Award for EEAAO and her EEAAO character’s fictional butt plug-shaped award for “Auditor of the Month.”

My Thought: How past Academy Award winners have used their Oscar as a Butt Plug?? Just sayin’.

photo

During a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter  Ben Affleck spewed some nonsense about how he had a good time with his current wife, JLo, at the Grammys earlier this year, despite the sourpuss he wore all night. But even more ridiculous was when Ben said the comment he made about his previous wife, Jennifer Garner, that if he were still married to her, he’d probably still be married to the bottle too wasn’t very nice.

My Thought: It doesn’t look like his stint at rehab didn’t take if he blames his ex-wife for him being a drunk.

My Other Thought: If that’s Ben having fun, I’d hate to see him miserable.

photo

Bobservations

Carlos was doing an interpretation over Zoom at a Mediation hearing and during one of the breaks in the daylong hearing, the mediator asked Carlos if he lived in Camden as the mediator needed the name of an interpreter. And Carlos said:

“Have you heard of the Blind Interpreter? Cuz that’s me!”

And the mediator had heard of him, and now I think we need to have new business cards made …

Tuxedo has been listening to Jim, er, Gym Jordan, and Rafael Cruz and BoBo and Empty G—thanks to Upton for that one—talk about how much better things will be is they win, and yet they offer no plans at all, just whining and crying.

Oops, sorry not sorry, ma’am, but the Supreme Court has rejected a request from Lindsey Graham to quash a grand jury subpoena in a Georgia prosecutor’s probe into alleged interference in the 2020 presidential election.

Pack your girdle and your smelling salts, Miss Lindsey.

In the continuing saga of who is dropping Kanye next, did anyone have Goodwill on their lists?

Apparently Goodwill sent a memo out to their stores, instructing them to remove all Yeezy items because they don’t want to be associated with him in any way. In addition, Yeezy products cannot be sent to eCommerce, eCommerce will not sell any Yeezy products online, stores/boutiques are to immediately remove any and all Yeezy products from store shelves. They will also have to be placed in trash bags, and outlets are to remove any Yeezy coming through the “tippers” daily.

When Goodwill says ‘No,’ it means No.

I bought this for a Halloween costume but never got to wear it, so I’m thinking of doing some “Glitter Balls” and calling it Christmas Couture.

I’ve seen the GOP sink low, but to watch many in the party lie, spread false rumors and outright laugh about the hammer attack on Paul Pelosi sickens me.

The GOP isn’t even trying to hide it any longer; if you are a Democrat and beaten with a hammer it’s a plus for the Party of Hate.

Is Maya Rudolph trying to be as thirsty as Madonna? It seems she recently complained in a WSJ interview that David Letterman made her feel “embarrassed and humiliated" during a 2009 interview when he mispronounced her name.

Rudolph didn’t say a word in 2009, ‘10, ‘11, ‘12, ‘13, ‘14, ‘15, ‘16, ‘17, ‘18, ’19, ‘20, or ‘21 but in 2022 she tells the tale?

PS Letterman apologized for the mistake in … wait for it … 2009.

In an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity, Doctor Quackers AKA GOP Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz criticized his Democratic opponent John Fetterman over his “radical” views on crime and his faltering performance during the live televised debate on October 25:

“This is important: We do not have a Republican senator north of North Carolina on the Atlantic coast until you get to Maine, if I don’t hold this seat.”

Perhaps Oz was confused and thinking of the New Jersey Atlantic coastline since he lives in that state.

It’s the Goopiest time of the year. My BFF Little Gwynnie Paltrow is stealing a page out of Oprah’s book, my other BFF, to reveal her Goop’s 2022 holiday gift guide, so let’s dive right in:

Gucci GG Waste Bag Holder so your pet can have their feces scooped up from the sidewalk and deposited in a Gucci bag for just $420.00.

Rowan Hair Color Kit for Dogs; it’s vegan, veterinary dermatologist-approved and comes in bold color sticks and has a “coat shimmer” for a splash of sparkle.$50

Higherdose Two-Person Infrared Sauna with low-EMF carbon and ceramic heaters, LED lights and Bluetooth or AUX capabilities for a hot and sweaty session; shipped to the manse for just $8,099.

Bolin Webb 24-Karat Gold Razor Set uses the same disposable razors you already use but this one has a  24-karat gold handle and a matching sleek base for $425.

Kiki de Montparnasse Tufted Boudoir Chaise. Is it a sex chair or just a stylish piece of furniture? Who cares! This sleek black leather recliner with brass details and could almost pass for something out of Architectural Digest and even includes stirrups for just $28,500.

Flamingo Estate The Good Shit . Yes, for $75, GOOP, er, POOP, will give you a literal sack of shit, a “blend of free-range goat, horse, chicken and cow manure” from the Flamingo Estate in Los Angeles.

Tapper Gold-Plated AirPod Chain. Are you still using wires? That’s so 2019. Why not order this 18-karat gold-plated chain for $110.

Chefanie Kama Sutra Dinner Napkins. Just in time for your next Key Party, drop a hint about the after dinner enterTAINTment for $88.

Cowgirl Sex Machine is the GOOP take on the mechanical bull, only you don’t hold onto to it with your hands … if you get my meaning. $1,750.

The Light Phone II is for those who want to go back in time before smartphones without buying a vintage flip phone. For $300 you plug in your own SIM card and limit your phone capabilities to calling, texting, navigation, alarms, music and podcasts! So 2000!

But fear not, the Smells Like Gwynnie’s Cooch Candle is also available!

Edward Adam Senn is an 38-year-old France born American model, actor, and restaurateur but … Would You Hit It?

Snarky Thoughts

Recently, when a Kid Rock show ran late and was subsequently canceled due to extreme weather, his fans, or is it ‘fan,’  lost their, or his or her, minds, and demanded Kid Rock perform for them. When it became clear Kid Rock wouldn’t, they trashed the venue.

My Thought: I’d have trashed the place while he was performing just to get him to stop the caterwauling.

photo

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lynn Affleck—imagine the day, coming soon I might think, that she has to change that name—are honeymooning stunting in Europe on a “Look! We Got Married” World Tour. But it doesn’t look as if Ben is having the time of his life when he was caught sleeping on the photo tour.

My Thought: Being Mr. JLo must be exhausting.

photo

Gwyneth Paltrow has been saying for years she doesn’t really miss acting—her last acting job was 2019’s The Politician—and because she thinks anyone cares, or misses a Paltrow Performance, she went on Sunday TODAY to remind Willie Geist, and anyone watching, that she still doesn’t miss the business “at all.” 

My Thought: She’s trying to remind people she’s an actress so some producer will hire her, while the world, and all of Hollywood think, ‘Yeah, we don’t miss you either.’

photo

Pat Benatar says she’s done performing Hit Me With Your Best Shot during her shows as her “small contribution to protesting” against gun violence. And while she says her fans are not happy with the decision, she’s doing it out of “deference to the victims of the families of these mass shootings.” Pat tells the fans who are pissed off about this to listen to the song at home, dammit.

My Thought: Maybe we should get Britney to stop singing [Hit Me] Baby One More Time. I mean, not because of any violent undertone, but because Britney can’t sing.

photo

Demi Moore has announced that she will never, ever again let a movie hairstylist take a pair of scissors to her hair for a role in a film. She says if the role requires short hair, get her a damned wig.

My Thought: Demi Moore is still acting? I thought show biz cut her off like they did Paltrow. And if she doesn’t want her hair going under the knife why does she keep letting surgeons do it to her face.

photo

I guess the newest thing among the self-entitled is to use a private jet to get around town. Kylie Jenner—and this isn’t saying much, but she’s The Dumb One™ in That Family™—does it, and now so does Drake. He has been using his private jet  to take a fourteen-minute trip from Toronto to Hamilton, Ontario Canada which costs some $3,000 in fuel and releases 4 tons of CO2 emissions into the air as opposed to making the drive which is about an hour.

My Thought: Sentence Drake and Kylie to work TSA at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport as punishment.

photo